Suze divorced her husband after eighteen years: ‘he didn’t even want to fight for it’

‘I turned 40 last summer. I celebrated the milestone with friends and my ten-year-old son, Alex. People were singing, eating cake and drinking wine. It was my birthday, but I missed someone. My husband. This again was consumed by his work for a non-profit organization in Brussels. My friends commented on that. My husband the do-gooder who dropped out in private. They said it with a wink, but the grain of truth hit hard. ‘

Only down the line

‘When our son Alex was born I stayed at home while Richard kept climbing the career ladder. Six years ago he was offered a great position in a large non-profit organization in Brussels. Many working hours with meetings in the evenings. That this job would mean that he would not be home for weeks, he waved away. In practice it would probably be better than expected.

Not so. Richard spent two to three weeks a month in Brussels on average. I was at home with our son and felt left out. I considered moving to Brussels as a family, but the thought of leaving my parents in the Netherlands held me back. Meanwhile, Richard missed important moments in Alex’s life. During his first football lesson, I was among all the fathers along the line. He received school results via text messages. And if he was there two weekends a month, he didn’t seem to mind. ‘

Ungrateful

“When Alex started meeting with friends after school, I took a job as a caregiver in elderly care. Richard wanted me to be there for Alex and we got into an argument over the phone. We had completely different ideas about what family life should be like. I shouted that I missed him, more than half the time I was alone. He thought I was ungrateful, he put money into the drawer anyway. In further conversations that I started, also later at home, he slammed. He was not going to change, he said, and left for Brussels again.

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Adolescent tickle

‘At work I met Maarten, a nice new colleague who was going to make the work schedules. Maarten was everything that Richard was not. Genuinely interested, loving and always close to me at work. The latter with good reason, it turned out. After a month, Maarten confessed that he liked me very much. I felt an adolescent tickle in my stomach, fled home and thought about my marriage. About the man who seemed to care more about his job than his wife. Not long after that I made the decision: I’m going to get a divorce. ‘

Good decision

‘The divorce has been finalized since January and I live with Alex in a smaller house. He is doing well. He is in contact with his father, but it is not more or better than before. Unfortunately nothing has changed in that sense. I sometimes think back to how I expressed my desire for a divorce. Because I wanted a partner who was there for me.

How Richard looked at me and coldly said if that was really what I wanted, he agreed. The fact that he didn’t even want to fight for our marriage made me realize right away that I had made the right decision. Of course I was sad about that. But there was something that eased the pain. Or someone, actually. Maarten. Who watched with all patience from the sidelines. He waited until the divorce was finalized and two months later asked very carefully if I wanted to have a drink with him. I don’t think I’ve ever said ‘yes’ so quickly and radiantly.’