“Sometimes she calls at 2:30 am because she has something to say”
Image: Nine IJff
Shary-An Nivillac (30) is a singer-songwriter and mother of Billie (1) and baby Claes. Her mainstay Annemieke van der Togt (40) is a photographer and mother of Panter (8) and Ridder (4).
Shary-An: “Annemieke is always there for us. We share joys and sorrows and I dare say we know everything about each other. Sometimes she calls at 1:30 am because she has something to say. When I’m awake, we’re endlessly on the phone.”
Annemieke: “I can always vent to her. We text almost every day. About our children and everyday life. Actually, we never talk about work, even though we know each other from it. Shar participated in The Voice, where I photographed. I never approach a candidate, but when she had sung I thought: wow, how cool. We immediately bonded.”
Aunt Lioness
Shary-An: “Miek has a mega-creative child, Panter. He wanted a drag shoot for his birthday. He will receive it with make-up and all the trimmings. He can be who he is and discover everything. I think that’s very nice to see. He couldn’t have grown up in a better family. Panther once wanted to go to a school party wearing nail polish and mascara, but other kids thought that was crazy. Then I’ll be Aunt Lioness; I was looking for pictures of men with nail polish and sent it to him with: ‘Let the other kids talk, you’re just cool and put on your cool shoes too.’”
Annemieke: “It is so nice and important that she supports us and Panter in this. Things are a bit chaotic at home. Then I ask ten times: who’s coming for dinner, who’s taking off the disco ball – and oh, there’s another kid on the swing. Shar is always prepared and clear in what is and is not allowed. When her children grow up, she only has to call once and everyone is immediately seated at the table, bet?”
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If you can do it, so can I
Shary-An: “Music is always on at home, they have a drum kit and piano, their house is a color explosion, there are three pets walking around, everyone chatting at each other. I’d go crazy. In Miek’s chaos I often think: if she can do it, then I can do it too. She gives me confidence. What I admire is that she is so sweet and airy in life. She has worries, like everyone else, but she doesn’t let that ruin her whole mood. Wherever she is, she brings a nice energy with her.”
Shary-An: “In Miek’s chaos I often think: if she can do it, then I can do it too. She gives me confidence”
Annemieke: “But I was handed everything on a silver platter. I am an only child and grandchild, my parents and grandparents were always there for me and everything was allowed. That’s just having the wind. Shar hasn’t had it easy in her childhood. Then I think: look at what you have achieved privately and in your work. She is so strong and has done everything herself, that is much more beautiful.”
Annemieke: “She is so strong and did everything herself, that is much smarter”
Shary-An: “Well, of course I am also insecure about certain things. But that’s part of motherhood.”
Annemieke: “When you have a child, you don’t get a manual, you have to figure it out yourself. You have to do that with your heart. And what you do is good anyway, because you feel it. I never pass judgment on another mother. If you do it with full conviction, fine. Everyone is different, every child is different, everyone reacts differently.”
Together
Shary-An: “I think that’s cool about her, she sees the good and the best in everyone. We do a lot together, often with our partners and children. And Miek attended both our births. At Nena [haar partner die hun eerste kind baarde, Shary-An baarde de tweede, red.] it took just under two hours, then she arrived just in time. It took me a whole weekend and she stayed with me the whole time.”
Annemieke: “It took so long, Nena and I guided her through it together. It was exciting and happy with good
outcome. But at that moment I had to cry loudly every now and then. You are so focused on whether everything will continue to go well. I took photos and a video of the last part, the birth.”
Shary-An: “I have almost no words for it, it really is one of our most beautiful moments and gives a deeper layer to our friendship.”
87% of mothers in the Netherlands have to deal with mom shaming, according to research by Kek Mama. The editors found this so shocking that they started a campaign: Kek Mama launches mombracing, the counterpart of momshaming, and calls on all mothers to support each other instead of criticizing from now on.
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