‘Since he left, he has never seen our children’
Image: Getty Images
Five years ago, Jaqui’s partner in crime suddenly announced that the man he was as a father was not right for him. Two weeks later he was gone.
Jaqui (40) is a full-time single mother of Mano (9) and Lola (7).
“Jut and Jul, Peppi and Kokki, Romeo and Juliet; no couple was as intensely connected as Eric and I. He was my best friend, my soul mate, my lover and my partner in crime.
We were together since we were seventeen and discovered life together. We shared love and loss, together we explored the boundaries of what was allowed and possible. We took our first puppy and put him to sleep together thirteen years later, heartbroken, and bought our first house together. We were a given, a fact. An indestructible unit. But then we became parents.
Surprise
It seemed like a logical step in our lives. We were over thirty, had experienced and traveled everything. A child was all that was missing. We always harbored the wish, latently. Still, we made the decision rationally. With everything wanted to do done and plenty of free rooms in the house, this seemed like a good time ten years ago.
“We were looking forward to the baby, and terrified at the same time”
We were both in shock when I held up a positive pregnancy test two months after our decision. Okay, we wanted it, but it wasn’t meant to be that fast. Very quickly we had to internalize the idea that we were becoming parents. We rejoiced, and were terrified at the same time. Our alliance would now consist of three people, the whole dynamic would change. Eric and I were almost one person, we were completely focused on each other. From now on that attention went to someone else.
Dream team
I think we both sensed it: our lives would never be the same again. That goes for everyone who has a child, but Eric knew and I knew: this was the end of our unity. Maybe it was one self-fulfilling prophecy. Throughout the pregnancy we were so busy with everything that would never be possible again, that we forgot to enjoy all the beautiful news that came into our lives.
Mano was born and we were a dream team. Eric turned out to be a great nurturer, and I was amazed at the primal intuition I had inside me. We were so busy with our baby that we didn’t have time to worry about us anymore.
Also read – ‘That Daddy left us for good this time, only I knew’ >
In the doldrums
Two years later, Lola was born. We had hardly discussed it, it just seemed logical. With parenthood now in our fingers, we cycled after her without much effort. Like Mano, she was an incredibly easygoing, calm baby, which helped. But that also made us realize soon after she was born that our relationship had reached a dead end.
“He couldn’t even tell if he loved the kids”
We decided on an extra day of childcare on our joint day off, expanded the sex toy box, and had a weekly date night. We invested our lives in each other until Eric announced during a day in the sauna five years ago that he didn’t want this life. He wanted me, the two of us, but the man he was as a father didn’t suit him, he said. He liked Mano and Lola, but when I asked if he loved them too, he couldn’t answer. Two weeks later he was gone.
Broken
To this day I wonder if he has a psychosis, or something of that nature. How could he just break our covenant, leaving his own children behind? He pays alimony generously, but he has never seen our children since he left. He doesn’t even send birthday cards. Fortunately, the children don’t know any better and rarely ask about him. So many peers live with one parent.
I still regularly receive letters from Eric, handwritten. That he can’t live without me and will never be truly happy again. Then come back, I think in those moments. For me there will never be another. Although I also know that this is no longer possible. That he would rather suffer than be a father is something I will never understand, nor forgive him.”
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