Shy child is more likely to have an anxiety disorder later on: ‘Parents also have an influence’

Afraid to go to school, not daring to go to a children’s party, shutting up when someone asks: shyness in children manifests itself in different ways. And that sometimes starts in the cradle. “Even a baby can sometimes be seen to be a bit more scared,” says Nina Komrij, principal researcher of Cool Little Kids, a research project that focuses on parents of shy children between the ages of two and six.

Anxious or shy child

Shyness is sometimes difficult to recognize because young children cannot always explain what they are feeling. “A child who sleeps badly or often has a stomachache for school or swimming lessons may also be scared or shy.” It is not unique for a toddler or preschooler to be a bit shy. When do you ring the bell? “If your child always goes to school with a stomachache, it is good to visit the child health clinic to investigate whether there is a medical cause or whether fear may play a role.” Komrij notices that parents often downplay shyness. “’It’s just part of it’, I hear. But a child can really suffer from that. It’s hard to see other kids playing with friends if you don’t dare.”

Causes of Embarrassment

Research into shyness in young children is important because it can have unpleasant consequences in the long term. “The chance that very shy children develop anxiety disorders later on is seven times greater,” Komrij continues. “Shyness is very normal and in most cases not that bad, but if your child is extremely shy and you don’t act on it, there is a high risk of anxiety problems.” According to the researcher, severe shyness may be a possible early symptom of anxiety. But why is a child shy? “Research shows that anxiety is partly genetically determined. If one of the parents or another family member has or has had an anxiety disorder or depression, there is a greater chance that the child will also have to deal with it. In addition, girls are generally more anxious than boys.”

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Subconscious comments

The Cool Little Kids project does not focus on shy children, but on their parents. “They influence the way a child develops, especially when they are still young,” says Komrij. “In part, shyness is innate. You can’t magic it away, but you can influence the prevention or maintenance of fear.” Therefore, as a parent, be aware of your own behavior and comments. Komrij gives an example: “Suppose your child is afraid of a dog on the street. By continuously emphasizing that a dog is not scary, a child will find him scary. It backfires.” Does your child find it exciting to go down a high slide? Don’t say, “Be careful, be careful,” because you’re actually saying that a slide is scary and dangerous.

To overcome fears

Watching your child struggle in exciting or new situations is not easy. Many parents therefore tend to take away or avoid their child’s fears. But that is not wise, according to Komrij. “If your child does not dare to pick up a piece of bread at the bakery and you therefore do it yourself, you are actually confirming your child’s fear. Also avoid avoiding things that your child finds scary, for example by always walking around a dog with a wide berth. Instead, you face that fear together. Don’t expect your child to overcome his fear immediately, it comes in small steps.”

Tips for parents of a shy child

What do you do if your child is extremely shy? Many parents don’t know. That is why the Cool Little Kids researchers provide parents with some simple tools in two programs. For example, they organize a digital training of six meetings in which you learn how fear arises and which simple techniques you can use to make your child more resilient, led by professionals. “The second program is a book with some more general parenting tips. We then investigate whether the training is really necessary to prevent anxiety problems in the long term. In Australia, where the training comes from, it is a success: eleven years after parents followed the training, their children still experience fewer anxiety complaints. It’s very promising,” said Komrij.

Is your toddler or preschooler shy or more anxious than other children his or her age and would you like to know more about the Cool Little Kids project? On the website you will find more information and you can register for one of the programs for free.

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