‘Should I take my daughter (5) to the funeral of her friend’s mother?’
Amira (31) is married to Ryan (31) and mother of Lana (5) and Milan (3).
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“From the first day of group 1, Lana has a regular group of friends. They play together every week and so Lana often visited Mandy, the mother of one of the girls. Until Mandy got sick a year ago. Lung cancer. Mandy and I were never really friends, but we were good acquaintances, like mothers do. The news came as a huge shock. It soon became apparent that the cancer had spread and that a cure was no longer possible. Because her daughter wasn’t aware of the seriousness of the situation—Mandy wanted to wait until she felt really ill—I didn’t tell Lana anything either.
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Say goodbye
The last month Mandy has deteriorated rapidly. I then informed Lana about the situation. She reacted sadly, she felt especially bad for her friend. Then she asked, “Can I play with the water bowl again?” An appropriate response for a five-year-old, she has no awareness of the gravity of the situation yet.
That brings me to a dilemma: should I entrust her with the funeral? It would be her first. All her grandparents are still alive, we’ve never even had to say goodbye to a pet. Actually, I think Lana is very young for something so heavy.
Funeral
Ryan leaves the choice to me whether I take Lana. As horrific as it is, perhaps it’s better for her first funeral to be for someone a little further from her than for her own grandpa or grandma, he says.
For Mandy’s daughter it can also be a support if Lana is there, although I have no idea if that works at that age. At a colleague’s cremation long ago, all the children under ten were just playing after the ceremony. Like it was a birthday. And perhaps that’s so beautiful, death is also part of life. I could use some advice, I don’t know what I’m doing right.”
More episodes of the dilemma? Every Tuesday there is a new story on KekMama.nl. Read the previous dilemmas here.
