“She taunts until there is a fight and then denies everything”

Image: Getty Images

She is only seven, but Ilse’s daughter Sophia is in charge of the house. The rest of the family walks on eggshells to keep Sophia from getting angry. It exhausts Ilse and it breaks her heart, because she sees that her ‘poor child’ struggles with her difficult character.

Ilse (35) has a relationship with Kaj (39) and is the mother of Sophia (7) and Fee (3):

“Sophia’s start in this world was a bad one. After a full-term pregnancy, she immediately had to be put on a ventilator and in an incubator. Infarcts were found in the placenta. “Did you smoke?” I was asked. But I had not touched a cigarette during pregnancy.

When I think back, it has been unsettled around Sophia from the very beginning; I suffered from blood loss during my pregnancy and regularly felt barely alive. When we got her home, the crying started. She did nothing else for eight weeks. Kaj and I were at our wits end. I walked on my gums. Kaj came home from work during the day to give me time to eat a sandwich. In the evening we ate alternately.

I have sometimes stood outside when Sophia was roaring again. I just couldn’t hear it anymore. ‘I’ll throw her in the organic waste bin!’ I even called. This was not what I had envisioned in early motherhood. There was no pink cloud. In the end, the hospital intervened. Sophia was admitted for two weeks, so that we could relax again. And she was swaddled, which made her a completely different child. Finally the crying stopped.

Changes

My own mother died when I was seventeen. I think that’s why I gave Sophia a lot of attention as a baby and toddler. It was compensatory behavior, but I didn’t realize it at the time. I played with her constantly and didn’t take a second to myself. I sometimes got comments about that, but I didn’t really care.

A week after Fee was born, Sophia had to go to school for the first time. That was tough for her. Quite a bit changed at home and then that added to it. We certainly thought about keeping her home a little longer or a few extra days, but that didn’t seem wise to us; then maybe she wouldn’t want to anymore.

“She didn’t understand that I can only do one thing at a time”

At home, Sophia began to exhibit strange behavior. For example, if I gave Fee the bottle, she would come and stand in front of me and hold a cup of drink upside down while looking at me intently. Of course I was angry about that. Then she started to cry very loudly. “I want to play, I want to play!” she cried. She didn’t understand that I can only do one thing at a time. The toys regularly flew across the room if I didn’t respond to what she wanted. If things really got out of hand, I’d put her in the hallway. Usually followed by a ‘sorry’ and then it really seemed as if she understood that what she did was not okay. But the next day – or earlier – everything started all over again.

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War at home

Saying goodbye at school became an increasing disaster. Sophia really didn’t want me to leave. When corona broke out, we had to hand over the children at the gate. Strangely enough, it suddenly went perfectly. Sophia did and is doing fine at school and at the after-school care. There she behaves in an exemplary manner. As soon as she comes home, in her safe environment, things go wrong. I only have to say one thing wrong and she explodes. If things don’t go the way Sophia envisions, it’s going to be war.

“She behaves in an exemplary manner at school. As soon as she comes home, in her safe environment, things go wrong.”

She also has a hand in it in the morning. For example, she recently thought that she wanted to be the first to go down. “I want to do everything myself,” she said. That didn’t suit me. I also had a schedule and still had to unload the dishwasher and butter the bread. ‘STOP!!!’ she cried. She does that when she gets contradicted, screaming very loud stop. She got very angry and I was able to start a battle right away in the early morning. It’s so exhausting. It wrecks you.

I can see how it can be done with Fee. She is completely different, much calmer. And what I think is very bad: she is afraid of Sophia. Especially when he has another tantrum and screams very loudly, I see Fee shrinking. Sophia also bullies her a lot. Really teasing. Then, for example, she pokes her sister with a finger until there is a fight. When I intervene, Sophia denies everything. ‘Fee hit me’, she says, for example, with a straight face. She doesn’t lie often, but she has no problem doing it. Very, very sometimes they play together. I can then intensely enjoy those few minutes; I know it’s short lived.

Disorganized

Sophia doesn’t handle change well. When she’s in the shower, I count out loud the minutes she has left. “You have four minutes left. Three more…” If I don’t prepare her like that, she’ll get mad. Exciting events also disrupt her completely.

Sinterklaas and Christmas give Sophia way too many stimuli, then her behavior will only get worse. And if she gets a smaller present than Fee for the holidays, she can get very angry and the atmosphere is ruined. Kaj and I often walk on eggshells. Our relationship has suffered greatly under the whims of our eldest daughter. It’s a very bad feeling that sometimes you really think your own child is a bad child.

Form a front

Kaj and I are not always on the same page when it comes to parenting. I tend to side with Sophia, because I can see that she doesn’t want this herself either. She can’t always help how she reacts. I see her struggle and it hurts me. Whenever we were in a fight again and Kaj performed, I dismissed him in front of her. That sent a confusing signal, especially when Kaj and I then got into a fight about it.

Kaj is a lot more patient than I am, but when his patience runs out, it really runs out and a punishment follows; For example, Sophia has to go to her room. Tensions between Kaj and I have run so high that we eventually turned to couples therapy. That certainly helped. We now understand each other better how we stand and try to form more of a single front, which feels clear to Sophia and therefore safe. For me, that means being more consistent.

Search for help

My mental health is suffering from the situation with Sophia. At the beginning of this year I had a burnout, for which I received antidepressants. Where someone else can recover at home in such a situation, I wanted to get back to work as soon as possible. At home I went crazy, that’s where the cause of the problems could be found.

“After my burnout, I wanted to get back to work as soon as possible”

We have now not only called in help for ourselves, but also for Sophia. We want to help her and also prevent us from hating her. Someone else may not be able to imagine that, but that happens if you are always fighting. Sophia cares about anything and everything to us; she calls me ‘pussy mama’ and Kaj ‘pussy daddy’ or ‘idiot’ and Fee regularly ‘stupid Fairy’. I don’t know where she learns those words. Not from us anyway.

Constant struggle

It is not a subject that you easily talk about; I want to protect Sophia. Only my best friend knows, she also has a child who is not the easiest. Yet I now share the situation we are in because I know we are not alone.

Last week I picked up Sophia from the out-of-school care. Fee was already in the car when Sophia thought she wanted to show her friend something. I said this could also be done tomorrow. She immediately started hitting the car. She wanted to sit in the front, she screamed. I told her to sit in the back.

She kicked my seat with her feet the entire ride. When I said something about that, she exploded again: ‘Kutmama! I don’t like you!’ Once home, she immediately tried to climb over the fence. Another battle. Kaj was already home and heard us coming from afar. Upon entering, Sophia threw her coat and bag on the floor and for the rest of the evening she determined the atmosphere with her anger.

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Full head

Kaj and I both feel there is something more going on with our daughter. The teacher has already dropped the word autism, but she does not rule out giftedness either. Sophia is an incredibly perfectionist. It only takes one mistake on paper for her to tear it up.

We always stay in the Netherlands on holiday and that is actually invariably disappointing. Sophia cannot settle down in any other place. The battle is even fiercer there than at home. It has to go exactly the way she wants it to. If she wants to go swimming, we have to swim. If we don’t, she’ll throw a tantrum. “My head is so full,” she told us on the last vacation. She also knows that something is wrong. It’s very sad.

Intense showers

I am awakened by the situation. Constantly I blame myself; what else should I do? Where did I do wrong? I want to have tools with which we can move forward. Nothing helps. Don’t get mad, don’t ignore, don’t hold her tight, and don’t talk about it.

“I often blame myself; what else should I do?”

When Sophia is angry, she freaks out. At the very worst moments, she even seems to see right through you. She looks at you, but doesn’t see you, her eyes are empty. After such a very intense shower she is devastated, she cannot tell what exactly happened. Sophia is currently receiving play therapy, but for the time being that is not helping. We have now sounded the alarm with youth mental health care.

Biggest wish

I dare not think about the future. Sophia is now seven; what will our lives be like when she hits puberty? I hope we get the right help. I hope Sophia feels better about herself. My greatest wish is a house full of peace and cosiness. I try to create as many moments as possible with Fee, I don’t want her to suffer. But I can’t prevent that.

“Every night I tell her I love her, but I find it increasingly difficult to muster”

Every night I try to put Sophia to bed with a sweet word and a big hug. There isn’t a night that goes by that I don’t tell her I love her, but it’s getting harder and harder to handle. Our energy is running out.”

This article appears in Kek Mama 12-2022. For privacy reasons, the names have been changed.

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