‘Sex? Suddenly I didn’t have to think about it anymore’

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Emma couldn’t get enough of sex until she went on antidepressants. Not much happens in the bedroom since then.

Emma (35), married to Jason (35), mother of Thomas (13), Sanne (11) and Arne (7) :

“Until a year ago, I had a sky-high libido. I couldn’t keep my hands off my boyfriend and dove on him every day like an adolescent. Certainly in the beginning of our relationship we easily did it four or five times a night. Even though Jason was satiated at one point, I woke him up for another lovemaking. I always felt like it.

How different it is these days, now that we’re both on antidepressants and all the lust seems to have flown away. If I didn’t commit myself to it once a month, we wouldn’t be doing it at all.

Tropic years

My life has been very difficult in recent years. I didn’t know a good childhood and then chose the wrong men. My first friend, father of son Thomas, had such loose hands that I had to flee to a shelter.

After two years I thought I would find my fortune with the man who became the father of daughter Sanne, but he was struggling with a game addiction. I had no support at all from him. We only communicated via app and we no longer had any intimacy. Those were tropical years in which I worked hard to stay afloat and give my children stability.

“These were tropical years in which I worked hard to stay afloat”

It was only with my current boyfriend Jason that I found true happiness ten years ago. He is the first man who truly loves me and is a good father. I’ve always had the best sex with Jason. He is super sweet, both inside and outside the bedroom. That’s why we got married in 2020. Because of corona we kept having to postpone our wedding, but in the end we kept it small and did it between the lockdowns.

Nightmares and crying spells

But despite the happiness of this safe, equal and loving relationship, I haven’t felt really happy in recent years. My tough past played up more and more often. I had nightmares and crying fits. I didn’t show that, by the way. Nobody saw anything about me. I wore the mask of the cheerful Emma. I’m an expert at hiding gloomy feelings, I had taught myself that over the years with my abusive ex.

In retrospect, I probably also had postpartum depression after Sanne was born and it never completely disappeared. In the end I barely managed to get up in the morning and look after the children. In the end I went to the doctor, who listened to me and prescribed antidepressants.

That had an almost immediate effect. My gloom disappeared, as did the negative moods and my grumblings. I was always very annoyed by clutter. My husband is a slob and I also have three children and a dog. Where I would normally have become angry or sad about mud feet and rubbish everywhere, I now remained very calm. Even labile.

Flattened

But unfortunately all my feelings leveled off. The downs and the ups. Unfortunately, this also included the erotic. After just a few pills I stopped thinking about sex. I even called my GP concerned about it, but he said it was a known side effect. I felt bad, but especially bad for Jason.

“After a few pills I stopped thinking about sex”

He had to get used to this new woman. He knew me nothing but warm-blooded, someone who was constantly on, now I lay like a dead bird in bed. He became unsure. Fortunately, he understood when I explained that I still thought he was sexy and handsome but that my body no longer wanted to cooperate.

And that understanding was reinforced when he, too, went to the doctor. With the same depressive symptoms. His life had not been easy either, he was addicted to drugs and had never learned to talk about his feelings. My story prompted him to do something about his problems, too. And so a few months later we were in exactly the same boat: both on medication, both listless and zero sex drive.

The usefulness of a lovemaking

But Jason had an additional handicap. A side effect of his antidepressants is that he can no longer ejaculate at all. In any way whatsoever. The times we do have sex, he only does it for me. He’s ready when we shower together or when I give him a blow job, but that’s about it. By missing an orgasm, he lacks any use for lovemaking.

“The times we do have sex, he only does it for me”

Sex isn’t necessary for me either, but I want to do it at least once a month to keep the connection. My advantage is that I still get an orgasm. I can’t do it vaginally, but I’ve learned to cum clitorally. I use a vibrator for that. Sometimes I think that’s selfish. That I can come and Jason can’t. That’s why I often grab my toy when he’s gone. Then I can relax for a while and he doesn’t know about it.

Also read – He never makes sense: ‘I sometimes feel like a nymphomaniac if I just pick up my vibrator’ >

Intimacy

As long as there is intimacy in a relationship, sex is not the most important. But you have to work very hard not to live past each other. That’s why we cuddle a lot. We crawl into bed an hour before going to sleep. We use that time to watch TV, but also to cuddle and talk.

I have high hopes for the future. I made an appointment with a psychologist to work on emptying my backpack in addition to the pills. This is not forever. It was not. The fact that we are both on medication means we want to get better. I see it as an investment for now, to have a beautiful, happy future together with the children. Hopefully I will be the mother, wife and lover I used to be.”

Would you also like to be interviewed for this column? Then you will receive a ‘fun package’ from EasyToys worth € 75. Mail to redactie@kekmama.nl.

This article can be found in Kek Mama 07-2022.

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