‘Pizza with the curtains drawn is the best Christmas I could wish for’

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Roos (34), mother of Jasmijn, grew up with a strict Christian mother, which resulted in a cold, Christmas-less December. Now that she has a daughter of her own, Roos prefers to buy the biggest Christmas tree she can find.

“My father disappeared from view when I was a baby. My mother found solace in the church. I was happy for a long time: during the service on Sunday there was a children’s service in the attic. That meant playtime with girlfriends that was no longer possible for the rest of Sunday; then we rested.

Furthermore, I initially had a childhood like most others. My mother worked full time in a nursing home and I met up with classmates after school, who were always allowed to stay for dinner. Okay, then we were obliged to read from the Bible afterwards and my mother asked test questions, but my friends thought that was interesting.”

Chilly atmosphere

As Roos grew older, the atmosphere at home deteriorated. “My mother’s faith grew darker in my eyes. I was in seventh grade when my mother stopped attending church. She thought her church was too popular; more of a charade that appealed to ‘gentiles’ than that it really revolved around the word of God. That became her new hobbyhorse. She immersed herself more and more in the Bible and decided that we didn’t celebrate Christmas anymore either. According to her, there was no evidence anywhere that Jesus was born on December 25. Moreover, the celebration as we know it had become pure kitsch, she thought.

“While girlfriends made wish lists for under the Christmas tree, the Christmas spirit never materialized for us”

While girlfriends made wish lists for under the Christmas tree, the Christmas atmosphere in our three-room flat was gone forever. I refreshed myself in the warmth at friends’ homes. My mother was getting colder and colder. In retrospect, I think she was already depressed. When, after years of rebelling – I became ‘gothic’ at the age of fourteen – I left home at the age of seventeen, my mother took her own life.”

Read also – Mama is gone, Papa stays behind: ‘Damn, I sometimes think, she and I should have done this together’ >

Nasty aftertaste

Christmas continued to have a bad aftertaste for Roos. “My mother was right in a way: it is a puppet show. People who have nothing to do with Christianity suddenly go to church. Families who have had nothing to say to each other for years find Christmas a reason to force themselves to be cozy, while nobody really wants to be there.” So she skipped the party for years.

Until five years ago – also single – she became the mother of Jasmijn. “I didn’t find it a problem that Christmas was celebrated at the nursery. I have let go of faith and how others want to fill in that period is up to them. I remember how cozy I found the Christmas tree and lights myself as a child. Jasmijn was too young to notice that we didn’t celebrate at home until she started primary school. Then she asked why we didn’t have a Christmas tree.

“Jasmijn and I traditionally have a movie night on Christmas Day”

With my own chilly childhood in mind, I’ve been buying the biggest tree I can find ever since. But we spend Christmas together just the two of us. Since I have no family, I am welcome with friends, but I am happy that I have no obligations. So Jasmijn and I traditionally have movie night on Christmas Day and she gets to choose what we eat. Pizza with the curtains drawn is the best Christmas I could wish for.”

113 Suicide prevention

If you need help yourself, or if you ever think about suicide, there is a special telephone number where care providers can be reached. This can be done 24 hours a day via the website of 113 Suicide Prevention or via telephone number 0900-0113.

This article was previously published in Kek Mama.

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