‘Our sex life would blossom on its own, I thought’
Image: Unsplash
Margriet and Peter made love to the stars every day, until they had four children in two years.
Margriet (34), married to Peter (36), mother of the twins Lois and Romee (6) and Luuk and Sem (4):
“I remember exactly the last time I had sex: it was exactly a year ago, except for two weeks. The reason I remember it so well is because it was on Peter’s birthday. Not even intended as a special surprise. More coincidentally, because we were going to bed at the same time and he suddenly curled up close to me. But it was a one-time celebration, because it hasn’t happened since.
Peter and I have known each other for eight years now. We have been through a lot in those years, we had four children in just two years and were completely absorbed in caring for the family. That cemented our relationship and deepened our love, but drove us apart as lovers. At least that’s where I put the blame. We are now too many parents and partners and too few lovers.
Tropic years
When we first met, we didn’t need any encouragement. We had met on Tinder and got into bed on the third date – there was a huge click. We made love every day and enjoyed it too. When I became pregnant with twins, that average already collapsed. I struggled with low blood pressure and felt bad for months. Moreover, my huge belly got in the way of exciting positions. I was rounder at 25 weeks than someone with a 40 week singleton pregnancy. We barely had sex. I felt quite guilty about that at the time, but Peter didn’t mind. We cuddled, had a nice chat on the couch and had a great time together. Anyway, I thought: this is temporary, soon our sex life will blossom on its own.
After the birth we were very busy with the babies. In the beginning we drove up and down to the hospital because the girls still had to stay in the incubators, after that it was feeding every three hours. We barely had time to breathe. Sleep trumped fluff between the sheets. And just when everything was back on track, we carefully started making love again, I unexpectedly became pregnant. Again from twins, we turned out to be hereditary with multiple births. Again the story repeated itself: sick, weak, nauseous and sleep deprived. To call it survival sounds too hard, but they were tropical years.
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That is now all behind us. The children are much less dependent on us, can dress themselves independently, enjoy themselves with a movie or tablet at the weekend and are also fantastic sleepers. We put the stuff to bed at seven and have to wake them up for school the next morning. In that regard, we cannot complain.
Yet we fail to bring the passion back. I still want to, but it just seems like Peter hardly has any lust. In any case, I don’t know how to turn that button on him anymore. Every now and then I make another attempt, but it seems like he’s consciously cutting me off. When I want to kiss him in the bedroom, just at that moment he takes a hug from the bed that the children have left behind, to play with it for a while. If I show him a new lingerie set, it’s just faint: ‘Nice’. When we see a sex scene on TV, he fiddles with his phone. Even the time we saw a threesome and I said I could imagine it was every man’s dream, Peter answered soberly ‘that it just seemed a little too busy for him’.
Libido
I sometimes talk about it with my girlfriend: does she think a low libido is normal for a man? Peter is really at freezer level. We still give each other a kiss, but never very wildly or with the tongue. More of a neat kiss before going to sleep, when we wake up and when leaving for work or the supermarket. My girlfriend told me not to worry. Her guy also has periods of no need for sex. That reassured me again. Not that I’m afraid of Peter cheating; he’s not the type for that.
My girlfriend joked that I should find a lover. But no, I couldn’t. I don’t want to endanger my family. Besides, I love Peter too much and have too much respect for him to hurt him. For now, I’m looking for toys. I always go to bed earlier anyway; If I feel like it, I’ll grab Tarzan.
Does Peter realize that? No idea. He knows I have vibrators in my nightstand. The children also know: that is forbidden territory, because those drawers belong to mom. I like to discharge myself every now and then with a toy. Does Peter also masturbate? Well, no idea when he’ll have time for that. He is almost never alone in bed and when he showers, the bathroom is often full of teeth-brushing children or I am waiting there, because most of the time I go after him.
A pile of pillows in between
I’m not angry, just a little frustrated. I miss the connection. The touch, the nice feeling, the confirmation. After two duo pregnancies, I did not come out unscathed. I have a lot of loose skin on my stomach and I can feel insecure about that. Peter does say that I don’t have to wear a bathing suit if I complain that bikinis are no longer possible and that he thinks I’m beautiful the way I am. But then I think: take the initiative for once! Grab me, tell me how sexy you think I am and how you long for me.
By now I am almost to the point that I want to go to the doctor for help. I think we’re way too young for a drowsy sex life and I’m afraid we won’t get through this together. My in-laws have been sleeping with a pile of pillows between them for years, that’s really my specter. Fortunately we do have one duvet and we lie next to each other. But unfortunately it doesn’t get more intimate than a friendly hug. Not by itself.”
Would you also like to be interviewed for this column? Mail to editorial@kekmama.nl.
This article can be found in Kek Mama 02-2022.
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