‘Nobody told me that after the birth of your child you suddenly no longer have a spine’

‘I have received so many tips, so many examples and so much advice about giving birth. But what no one has said to me is that from the birth of your child you suddenly have no backbone. I used to be able to be very certain about something. Full of confidence I knew what I did or did not want and you could hardly ever talk me into it, but all this suddenly turned out after 24 hours of puffing!

In love

I think every mother can identify with it; a smile, a sparkle in the eyes, or two arms that stretch upwards with a voice ‘mommy!’. All of those (un) conscious manipulative traits that make you ‘turn around’. You can resolve to stand in line and stand your ground, but partly because of that wonderful hormone oxytocin – and sometimes the fatigue – you are tackling.

So strange, in fact, that the enormous amount of oxytocin I had when I fell in love with my husband is different from your child. The crush on your child never ends, and let’s face it, who is in love with her husband day in and day out ?! It’s so damn hard to always be consistent and I catch myself regularly making up an excuse why Micky is allowed, able or willing to do something. Sometimes that is ‘yes, but he slept so badly’, or ‘he ate really well today so it is possible’. The other time it is ‘today is the last time, tomorrow we really start’.

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Sleepless nights

It actually started from birth, the little mutt woke me up about eight times a night and this lasted two and a half years. I thought I was going crazy, doubted myself and everything I did and tried everything. And guess what? As soon as I gave in and he was allowed to sleep with us, we had exemplary nights! But that’s not what you want as a mother. At least, not two and a half years. That can never be good for your relationship – this time it’s not a television, but a child who is stuck in your bedroom.

I remember when my husband and I were going to split shifts, we really planned to keep going: me two nights and then he two nights. I sat next to Micky’s bed every hour, sometimes a bit longer and sometimes a bit shorter, but how proud I was that I had persisted not to take it out, even though my bags were hanging on my thigh. After two nights it was my husband’s turn. I intended to put in earplugs; men have a kind of East Indian deafness in them and otherwise I would still wake up …
And there he was, at two in the morning, with Micky on his arm in our bedroom. I’ve never been more angry and yelled ‘if you leave it out of the room!’. What was he thinking, I hadn’t slept a wink for two nights, but had finally been consistent. So I’m not the only one with an elastic spine, but he didn’t have to give birth first.

I recently googled ‘spine wanted’ and unfortunately got only ergonomic office chairs and reading material about a better spine. I guess I just have to accept that this one will be elastic for the rest of my life.

Sanne Heijen (39) lives in Naarden and has a 4.5-year-old son, Micky. She is producer of Enjoy Life Media and presents Way Of Living, RTL Wintertijd, Eindelijk Tijd and now the RTL4 program Mama’s Wereld.

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