‘My sister-in-law gave birth to my daughter’

Sanne: “It was Saturday evening, January 3, 9.30am, three days after the due date. I was already in bed when my husband Mark entered the bedroom. Our brother-in-law had just called: the contractions had started. A week before, I had already taken unpaid adoption leave from my work as a teacher: as a prospective parent you are not entitled to maternity leave. This was the phone call that we had been anxiously anticipating for a week – or rather, for years. It was time.

Soon we warmed up the hot water bottles in the carrycot and checked the starter bag for the hundredth time. An hour and a half later we were in the hospital where Marlies was due to give birth. Marlies had indicated beforehand that she would like to do the birth alone in the presence of her husband, something I fully understand. As I understood all her choices. Marlies may have carried our child in her belly, it was her pregnancy and her body.

I had just looked at my watch: it was exactly midnight. A few moments later, the midwife entered the waiting room with her arms outstretched and said, “She’s here!” So it was a girl. The delivery had gone well. Easier than when my sister-in-law gave birth to her own two children.

A fantastic feeling

We were immediately allowed to go to the delivery room. There she lay, our daughter, with a huge head of dark hair. On Mark’s sister’s belly. I immediately felt it: that unconditional love that everyone was talking about beforehand. It was a very emotional moment for all four of us. After we made sure it felt right for Marlies, I had my daughter placed on my chest. Twenty minutes after she was born, I breastfed her for the first time.

Six months earlier I had started taking hormones, combined with an anti-nausea drug, which has the side effect of increasing milk production. After four months I started pumping: the first week every hour, the last two months every three hours, also at night. Successfully; we even had to buy an extra freezer to store it. It was a fantastic feeling that I could breastfeed her myself and that I can still do it now, a year and a half later.

surrogate mother

I have known that I have MRKH syndrome since I was fifteen. Women born with this syndrome have no uterus and no vaginal canal. My ovaries are developed normally and therefore produce ‘normal’ eggs. When I met my husband twelve years ago, I immediately told him.

Because we really wanted a child, we first studied adoption. After much hesitation, we decided to submit our wish to have children to Mark’s sister. Would she consider a surrogacy? One night I was working at school when Mark called. ‘Marlies wants to carry our child’, he said. I had goosebumps all over my body and quickly started looking for a place where I could let my tears flow.

Later we heard that after the first delivery, which had also been quite heavy, Marlies had felt strongly: I will also do this for my brother and his girlfriend. My sister-in-law is a very sweet, down to earth woman who has both feet on the ground. “If a horse can carry another’s embryo, why can’t I?” she said.

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Checkups and procedures

In the VUmc, at that time the only hospital where women can go who for medical reasons cannot become pregnant themselves, we went through an extensive process. That started with medical check-ups of all four of us and conversations with a psychologist. He also wants to rule out the fact that there is no financial motive; commercial surrogacy is prohibited by law.

After the hospital gave us the green light, I could start injecting hormones so that enough eggs could be harvested. The eggs had to be removed through an external puncture. Using contraception, our ovulations were artificially put on the same track.

The placement of the embryo is very precise: the embryo is only thawed when the surrogate mother’s cervix is ​​the right size. If that goes well, the surrogate mother will be injected with a hormone that prevents her own egg from ‘jumping’. Then we had to go to the hospital with squeaky tires to have the embryo inserted. After three times it was hit.

A family child

Marlies’ husband also supported her choice and of course experienced the pregnancy up close. It is impossible to put into words how grateful we are to them. Marlies is actually Kim’s aunt, one with a very special bond with her niece. On Mondays, my mother-in-law looks after all her grandchildren, then they are all together. My father, who, like my mother, never dared dream that he would become a grandfather, said the last nicely: Kim is really a family child.

A brother or sister

We really hope that Kim can have another brother or sister. Hopefully it will work, because we haven’t found a surrogate mother yet – my sister-in-law will stick with it this time. She wanted to give birth to our daughter, because she also allowed us that feeling of love for your child. An act that everyone around her is so full of praise for. “I’m really proud of myself for being able to give this to my brother and his wife,” she said shortly after giving birth. She still says that. And she should be proud too. For us it is the best gift ever.

There are more people who want to have children who, like me, cannot become pregnant for medical reasons, for example because they have had cervical cancer. In the Netherlands, sixteen girls a year are born with MRKH syndrome. Surely there are more women like my sister-in-law who are willing to carry someone else’s child. But unfortunately there is not yet a match system to bring those two groups together, such as the one in Great Britain. A number of prospective parents are currently setting up such an office. That will take years. We don’t have that time.”

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This article was previously published in Kek Mama.

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