‘The day we tried Ecstasy there was no time, only love for each other’

Anne: “A friend of mine told us that she sometimes took a pill at festivals and parties. ‘Very nice, you should do that too’, she would always say. “Nothing scary about it.” But my boyfriend and I are not so fond of those huge parties. And to be honest, I also found it a bit exciting; it’s all about drugs. But curiosity won out, so we decided to give it a try. Not at a party, but just at home, safe on the couch.

That friend got the pills and we took our daughter to my parents. Not really spontaneous no, but this way seemed safest to me. We agreed not to take too much and had the pills tested beforehand. I also wanted to go over a few things with my husband before we started the adventure: are we good together, is nothing bothering you, should something be said? I was afraid we’d blurt out everything with that pill and it would turn into a huge fight. We’ve had something like this after a night of drinking alcohol, and it seemed even more annoying with drugs.

An enormous relaxation

My husband noticed it earlier than I did. He started to talk more, said sweet things. After half an hour I started to catch up with him. A tingling went through my body, accompanied by an enormous relaxation, energy, euphoria, all at the same time. From that moment on it was, in short, really fantastic. Very relaxed, everything was love and beautiful. In my experience we have done nothing but declare love for each other for hours. We told each other what we liked about each other, why he is so sweet, and that I am his dream woman. Basically like we used to do when we just got to know each other and talked endlessly until late at night and mentioned what we loved about each other.

That’s how it was now: there was no time, only love for each other. And also for the rest of the world, life, our friends. My fear of unspoken issues that would suddenly surface turned out to be unjustified. We did talk about some irritations, but suddenly everything seemed ridiculous and unimportant. And so we continued with our endless declaration of love. When it got light, we decided to go outside. I suddenly remembered a nice spot in the park, we had to go there. So there we were, at six o’clock in the morning, up to our knees in a kind of lake with a waterfall, celebrating life.

At a certain point we went to bed, had fantastic sex there and later that day we picked up our daughter. We stayed with my parents. I can still see us sitting at the table like this: it felt like we had a huge secret, made a few faint allusions that only we understood. Also nice: the hangover was not too bad, I hardly noticed anything.

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Over the top

After that first time, we decided to do it more often. Via via we came to a dealer where we ordered a stock. Once every few months we did it, alone or with a friend, and always at home. Naturally, when I became pregnant with our second load, we took a break. But after I stopped breastfeeding, we decided to do it again.

I was really looking forward to it, I was so excited to feel free again. We invited a friend, the weather was nice, we sat on the roof terrace. Maybe it was because the expectations were a bit high, but then I over the top gone. I didn’t feel much, took some more, didn’t want it to stop, took another quarter. In the end I had two pills: way too many.

The trip wasn’t even that fun, the hangover was horrible. For days I suffered from palpitations, my jaw seemed to be locked. I called in sick at work, I felt terribly, very depressed. But above all, I was ashamed that I had let it get this far. It suddenly felt so hopeless: what if something had happened to us? Then my children were orphaned because their parents wanted the pills so badly. Suddenly that thought hit me hard: what kind of a mother am I? This is completely beyond the reason why we want to do this, which is to spend some time together. So we decided not to do it anymore.

‘It became binding’

But after a year or two it started to itch again. And thinking back to that night when we flew out of the corner, we realized we’d just let ourselves go too much. We tried again and kept it to half a pill. It was great and we’ve been doing it regularly ever since. Always with tested pills, no alcohol, and together never more than one pill.

For us it’s nice evenings, really for the two of us. We express why we love each other and also do a check: how was the past period, what went well, what was difficult? It became connecting: you are completely on the same euphoric wavelength, as if the two of you are having a very nice party.

Another nice effect of a pill: it gives a mega boost to our sex life. Because during such a trip we have the wildest lovemaking. Because we are now approaching it more carefully, I no longer suffer from that guilt towards my children. I never have a hangover afterwards either, I feel fine when I pick them up again the next day.

That loving feeling from the past

It is so nice that we can experience that feeling of love from the past in this way. That you honestly say to the other person that you absolutely love him to his core. In our early years we had plenty of time to talk through the night like this: we can’t do that anymore, we are tired, we have to work early the next morning, we argue about who should clean up the kitchen. But together on the couch, with a pill, there is no time and we laugh about our fights.

No, I’m not quick to tell others that we do this. I know people have strong opinions about this and I don’t feel like having such a discussion. Everyone should know for themselves what they are doing.”

This article was previously published in Kek Mama.

More episodes from Mama about Sex? Every Sunday there is a story on KekMama.nl. Read the previous stories here.

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