‘My husband has more eye for his Playstation than for me’

When Sandra (35) and Björn (34) moved in together, there was only one thing that worried them.

Not the finances, not the division of tasks in the household or a future desire to have children. It was the PlayStation. Or rather: the PlayStation with accompanying unsightly furniture, and ditto accessories such as headphones, battery chargers and controllers. The thing had to be in the living room, Björn thought. But Sandra didn’t want TV like a light bulb, with a man glued to it like a zombie night after night. Björn suggested a corner in the study, but Sandra did not like that, aware of the risk of never seeing her brand new love again.

So they set up a separate corner in the living room, now that it was still available as long as there were no children. Now they have a son (5) and a daughter (2) richer, who daily watch with their father at the place where their toy corner should have been for years. Call of Duty Black Ops, World of Warcraft and other murderous games.

Sandra and Björn have fought a lot about it. Because Sandra thinks it is very unpleasant, the guy who would rather look at his toys than at his wife. But mainly because she finds what is happening on that screen completely unsuitable for the children. “Moreover, if they are already learning that gaming is apparently the usual pastime, how on earth do I get them out when they are older?”

Hours sweet

It is already too late for Minthe and Erwin. Their sons, aged ten and twelve, have been the very instigators of their father’s beginning gaming addiction since they introduced Fortnite into the household.

At least, that’s what Erwin claims. “Not that he was unknown in the gaming world before that, so the kids are at best a bad excuse,” says Minthe. “The reason our sons were kings three years ago Minecraftis purely because my husband taught them. I’ll never forget the first time I saw Erwin at a friend’s LAN party, where all the men dragged their entire PCs around for hours Dune and Quake, while the women in the garden or kitchen were desperately drinking yet another bottle of prosecco. ” It is a shame that she has now lost not only her husband, but also her children to the virtual world, while she is lonely at the kitchen table with – yes – her iPad and Facebook.

She should not whine so much, Erwin in turn thinks, because the tree houses that he used to build with his friends are now built by the current generation of children on the Xbox screen. “Using pick axes, obsedians and mobs, so they also learn fluent English. ” Erwin too.

Minthe: “Ever since he went online Fortnite plays with a few English and South Africans, he speaks an unadulterated mix of Cockney and Afrikaans – which I find in turn hilarious and attractive. So it’s not that bad for our relationship. ”

Addiction

Fortunately, there are not that many game addicts: according to figures from Jellinek – one of the largest institutions for addiction care – there are an estimated one million people in the Netherlands who play games (96 percent men), of whom 2 percent are addicted. It concerns twenty thousand people, with an average age of twenty years. Not what you would call the average family man.

His wife is no better according to Erwin. “In the morning I am in my boxer shorts in the bathroom to conduct my sons in the shower, she has already recorded it on Facebook. With the nude photos of me circulating on the internet, I could have earned half a Hugh Hefner mansion at Playgirl. ”

He sometimes wonders if she still knows what he looks like through her eyes instead of the live focus function on her smartphone. “She records our entire life in posts and Insta stories. All her 500 followers register and like that, but I think she hardly gets anything from that whole life. ”

One advantage: their children are accomplished models. “Where I see friends working up a sweat at Christmas, birthdays or other official occasions to get the kids on the sensitive plate a bit normal, mine jump at ‘Boys, picture!’ straight to attention. And after all that training, they usually still stand as true models too. Still fun for later. ”

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#allstaggen

Mark (34) has long not seen the fun of the photos that his wife shares on Facebook, since the social media behavior of his wife Brigitte (32) at work is food for jokes and fun at the coffee machine.

“’So, Nutellaman,’ they laugh, ‘was the film a #pearl again and your #only love with your #happyfamily on Sunday?’ In the beginning I still loved how my wife tags me in everything. But she communicates quite a bit in superlatives and clichés, and that is starting to make outsiders laugh and irritate me. When we went to the beach, I have another #loveofmylife on my red-burnt head. After a night out for dinner: #sosohappy #forever. Even an evening on the couch should be captured with a #chillenmetdeliefste #blessed. When I come to the office on Monday, I immediately get the idea that I was not in the pub, but without a chance. ”

Meanwhile, Brigitte asks her husband for permission before mentioning him on social media, but that is again food for hilarity. “My colleagues are laughing: ‘Have you finally gagged her or is her phone just broken?’”

Cheating and jealousy

The risk of cheating and jealousy would be promoted by social media tensions in relationships, according to research. There are relationships that die. Because of irritations as with Mark, for example. Or because it can raise suspicion if your partner’s colleague likes all of his posts. Yet research after research also shows that how someone behaves in the offline world is more or less indicative of his or her online behavior. Not a cheater in everyday life, probably not in the digital world either.

Either way, relationship experts agree on one thing. Whether it is gaming or social media use: enough attention for each other, doing fun things together and not too much involved with other, potential partners are a nice basis for keeping things together.

Finishing the jar

With that attention to each other, things went anything but smooth for Claudia (36) a few years ago, due to the gaming behavior of husband Michel (36).

“I hardly saw him anymore. In a family with toddlers you don’t get close to each other, but when we finally had a scarce moment together, he sat down to play games. It made him so nice and relaxed. “Well,” I said, “then we better have sex.” But he had to finish the game first. ”

Now they have the rule that Michel only plays games when Claudia is not at home or no longer than an hour. “He really counts down those moments. Once I have been on the road for an evening or have been working late, when I drive into the street I can already see the light from the game TV in the playroom shining through the curtains. Boys will be boys. And that is of course allowed: he in turn does not complain about my days shopping. ”

Checking Facebook

Even before I kissed my husband, I reached for my phone, says Kirsten (35).

“In bed in the morning, I sometimes read on social media for so long that I got up too late to have the lunchboxes ready for the children on time.” Kirsten and her husband Sahar (37) have put a stop to the game console and social media use in the house, since their son (10) and daughter (8) were no longer burned from behind their screens. “How can you bring your children to order if you show even worse behavior yourself?” Kirsten says.

Sahar had grown quite a bit with his phone too. “But he also played a game almost every night Battle Royale with our oldest. He then of course bounced with adrenaline in bed, staring at his ceiling, while his father did one last round. ”

They have recently started making more time for each other. “The controllers and telephones go under lock and key around dinnertime and don’t come out until the next morning. And we don’t miss them, none of us. We do make exceptions. If the children have had a long day at school or the rain is pouring down from the sky, for example. Of course I think it is good that they are in Snapchat and Fortnite to dive. At such moments I also like nothing more than to read on Facebook and Insta, while my husband watches the aftermath of football via digital TV. ”

Don’t make such a point

Orlando (30) doesn’t get it that way, the problems people have with games and social media. “Whether we’re watching Netflix together or working side by side on our own screens, as long as we’re still investing in evenings out together and caring for our four-year-old twins together, neither of us feels neglected – we don’t speak to each other a bit,” says he. We shouldn’t make such a point of it, Orlando thinks. “It is no longer 1950. Men used to read the newspaper in the evenings while their wives did the laundry and the rest of the housework, and couples didn’t speak to each other either. ”

Saving worlds

Cornelie (32) has been living with her boyfriend Casper (40) for a year now and occasionally calls herself ‘analogue single’.

Cornelie believes that games and social media can cause problems. Casper sees his seven and nine sons from a previous relationship every other weekend. Then they play Clash of Clans on the iPad, but when they go back to their mother afterwards, they can’t continue the game and apparently lives and worlds are wrecking.

So Casper spends all evenings on his children’s two tablets, saving their worlds. My own boys are only three and five, but if this is their example, I will soon be able to register them at the game addiction clinic. Not that I’m really afraid it will come to that. By the time I really don’t take it anymore, I fear that those tablets will suddenly mysteriously disappear. ”

‘Good for your spatial insight’

Meanwhile, Sandra has changed her opinion about how damaging their father’s violent games have been for the children. “I have sometimes read that these shooting games are bloody, but they are also good for the speed of thinking. And for the natural reflexes, your responsiveness, problem-solving skills, spatial awareness, memory and the ability to multitask. Well, when it comes to the latter, those men are allowed to continue gaming for a while. Before you know it, the children are already too old for a play corner. ”

This article has previously appeared in Kek Mama.

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