‘My friend wants a child, I don’t’

Sometimes you can’t figure it out on your own and you could use some advice. So every week a reader talks about her dilemma.

Marina (29) lives with Tony (40) and is mother of Valerie (3).

“That I would raise Valerie on my own was clear since the positive pregnancy test. Her biological father was not ready for parenthood and disappeared from my life. Not how I imagined becoming a mother, but because he does pay a monthly contribution for his daughter, I have resigned myself to his absence.

New relationship

I’ve been in a new relationship for a little over a year now. And no matter how good it feels, I don’t dare to have another pregnancy. What if this man also turns around, and I’m on my own with not one, but two children? This often leads to discussions.

My boyfriend has no children yet, but has a strong desire to have children. He cares deeply about my daughter, but that’s different from having a child of his own, he says. We’re in no hurry, I’m still young, and maybe in a few years our relationship will feel secure enough that my fear will disappear. But that’s also a bit of wishful thinking: I can’t imagine my decision to stick with one child changing.

Read also – ‘My boyfriend really wants to be a father, but I’m not sure about a second leg’ >

Children’s wish

Tony fell for me, not for my uterus, he says when conversations about his desire to have children run high and I advise him to find a woman who still wants to get pregnant.

That’s sweet and nice to hear, but a child’s wish can be strong: what if he still decides that life without a biological child is not acceptable to him, and leaves us when Valerie is attached to him? In dark moments I just consider breaking up our relationship, to avoid a breakup in the future. Or do I trust in his love for me and take the chance that he will stay even if we don’t have a child, together?”

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