Mom has more than one relationship: ‘For my daughter, the new situation took some getting used to’

Josien (33) has been together with Stephan (37) for nineteen years, with whom she has two sons (11 and 9). She has also had a relationship with Andrés (43) for three years. She also dates both men and women. Josien is a holistic breathing coach.

“Six years ago I watched a Sophie Hilbrand documentary about having multiple loves with Stephan. We looked at each other and knew: this way of life is made for us. At a leisurely pace, we started to discover what it’s like to date others. I love to flirt and for me it makes a lot of sense that you can click with multiple people. I met Andrés three years ago while salsa dancing and soon we were seriously dating.

Open relationship

Stephan also got into a relationship with another woman during that period. I’m glad there’s still someone who loves Stephan so much. Every now and then his girlfriend and I chat about love, our children and yes, also about Stephan. Being in an open relationship doesn’t mean I can do whatever I want. I also want to take into account the feelings of Stephan and Andrés. Sometimes it’s just very exciting when your love goes out with a nice man or woman.

“Occasionally, his other girlfriend and I chat about love.”

Andrés, for example, went out one evening with a woman I thought was beautiful. Then I really had to swallow. She has no children, I do. Does Andrés think my body that has given birth to two children is really beautiful? We talk a lot about these insecurities and our fears. Sometimes this is accompanied by tears, but we always come out of it.

Freedom, love and connection

When our other relationships got serious, Stephan and I told our boys that most people are in a relationship with one person, but we live our lives differently. For me there is nothing more important than freedom, love and connection and I like to pass that on to them. They are aware that we are different and that others don’t always understand our choices, but fortunately they don’t care much about it. They are fond of Andrés and Stephan’s girlfriend and regularly ask when they will come back.

Andrés is completely included in our family. My mother and he play Wordfeud together, he watches Formula 1 with Stephan and the kids frolic with him. It feels like I have a family of five, even though we don’t live in the same house.”

Together around the table

Marije (38) has been together with her husband Hugo (41) for seventeen years and has also been in a relationship with her best friend Marieke (37) for two years. She is mother of two children (14 and 9) and a photographer.

“When Marieke and I both went through a difficult period, our friendship became more and more intense. I fell in love with her, but didn’t want to jeopardize my marriage. I suppressed my feelings for her. Until the moment Marieke told me that she had feelings for me and that I could no longer ignore my feelings.

A day later I told Hugo how the flag was attached. I had prepared myself for him to say: you choose either me or her. Instead, he suggested the three of us sit around the table. That was super exciting. We talked all evening and finally decided to give the relationship between Marieke and me a chance.

Connected

How relieved I was. I was deeply in love with Marieke, but at the same time I loved Hugo dearly because he gave me space. Hugo and Marieke now have a close, platonic friendship with each other. The three of us are very strong. Hugo and I don’t date other people, Marieke does that sometimes. When she comes back from a date she shares all her stories. I think it’s great that being able to talk about everything together is really our strength.

New energy has started to flow in my relationship with Hugo. We used to be chatting together and taking each other for granted, now we are more connected than ever. I think there’s a good chance in a monogamous relationship you’ll end up in a rut at some point. Hugo and I are not bothered by that. We are not together for a few days every week and then it is wonderful to crawl into bed with him again.

Together

The new situation took some getting used to, especially for my oldest daughter. She was afraid that Hugo and I would get a divorce and found it difficult that I also spent time with Marieke. I explained to her that we don’t love each other less, but more. Just like that I love both my children very much.

“I explained to my daughter that we love each other more.”

Both girls now have a close bond with Marieke and her children. Our youngest are the same age and really sister BFFs, as they say so beautifully. We have a joint seasonal spot on a campsite, where we like to be in all configurations. We do, however, ensure that there are actually four of us there on a regular basis; Hugo, me and the kids. Those are weekends in which we play a game together, cook more elaborately and consciously enjoy the four of us.”

Non-monogamous relationship

Ava Tamar (34) has a love triangle with Floris (37) and Becca (26) and a relationship with Amanda (30). Alina (6), the daughter of Floris, and Tamar (1), the son of Becca, are an important part of her life. Ava Tamar is an intimacy coach.

“When I met Floris, I knew he was also in a relationship with Becca. I found that quite exciting; even though I had been in non-monogamous relationships for years, I still wanted to be number one for Floris. That changed when I met Becca. Becca’s baby, who happens to have the same name as me, was sitting on my lap within two minutes and immediately started pooping. Everything was covered! We couldn’t stop laughing. Later that day, when the three of us were in bed, there was no ignoring the energy between us. From that day on, the three of us were also connected.

Becca lives in England, so we’re not together all the time. If she is, I suddenly live with a baby. I always have to get used to that. If I feel like laying in bed with the three of us all morning, I can’t. At the same time, I love that I have children in my life. I would like to show Alina and Tamar that there is so much more possible if you don’t pigeonhole yourself and others.

Hard work

In the beginning I was quite insecure. Then I thought: Floris would probably rather be with Becca than with me. Now that is no longer the case – our relationship is always in flux. A relationship with several people also means that a lot of emotions come up. Pleasant emotions, but also feelings of insecurity or jealousy. I therefore talk a lot with all my partners to work through this together.

“A relationship with multiple people also means that a lot of emotions come up.”

It is sometimes hard work, but at the same time there is endless love in my life. Amanda has been a rock in all of these changes for me and our connection continues to deepen. We give many workshops together and are now going to live together in a gigantic beautiful loft in Amsterdam. I find it special how she accepts me and my relations completely. She loves me exactly as I am and gives me all the space.

So lucky

Last summer I was camping with Floris, Becca and the children. I played with Tamar so that Becca could walk alone in the woods, while Alina snuggled up to me. In the evening the children were asleep and we had time to be with the three of us; endless lovemaking in the rooftop tent. So lucky. Being with people I love, who I can have good sex with and have endless conversations with – that’s all I want.”

time for me

Rachel (45) has been together with Kees (47) for twenty years, with whom she has twins (14). She has also had a relationship with Thom (38) for over two years. Rachel and Kees own a catering company.

“I was 36 when I got cancer and my life was turned upside down. When I was better, I resolved to be honest about my desires. That intention became very concrete when I met Thom at a festival and a few days later we drank a glass of wine on a terrace. We couldn’t stop talking. I fell in love immediately and decided to tell Kees about it right away. He is my best friend and a wonderful father, but our relationship is not perfect. Sexually, things don’t always work out well either. Kees found it very difficult that I was in love with Thom. Logical, but I felt everything: now it’s my turn.

Two men

It was a stormy period for Kees and me, with many tears, misunderstanding and endless conversations. Now the panic has subsided, there is more peace. Kees now also occasionally dates other women. Thom lives on the other side of the country, we see each other about twice a month. Secretly, because besides Kees and a handful of friends, nobody knows that Thom is in my life. I tell my children that I’m going to the sauna or going out for a night with a friend. I am disappointed about that, but if I would be honest, they would feel that it is still quite difficult for Kees from time to time. When I see Thom, we book a hotel, go out for dinner or I stay at his home for the night.

For Thom I am the love of his life. It’s been five months between us because he no longer always wanted to be second. Hell, I thought that period. So I was very happy when it came back. Thom came to the conclusion that he would rather have little time with me than spend time with someone he is only half mad about.

“It came out once because Thom no longer wanted to be the second.”

I would prefer to be with Kees and the children one week and with Thom the next. I don’t know how the future goes. Kees and I have a wonderful family together and are happy with the four of us. Being together with Thom makes me glow. I don’t know whether Kees and I will always stay together. What I am sure of is that he will always be my best friend. I especially hope that one day I will dare to share with the whole world that I love two men.”

This article can be found in Kek Mama 01-2022.

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