Kimberley: ‘Since I became a mother I can only cry’
Kimberley van Heiningen (29) lives with Kevin and is (bonus)mum of Norah (5) and baby Jackie. Every Tuesday she writes about motherhood and everything that comes with it. This week about the tears that flow freely.
From the positive test it’s crying. Crying about the first ultrasound, crying about the gender (a girl!), sniveling about my baby belly that wasn’t visible at first and then because it got way too fat for me. Then crying when she finally lay on my chest, sleeping in her own bed for the first time and even louder when she decided not to (sleep). For months.
All kinds of tears
So there is some whining in the house. By her, by me. All kinds of tears pass in review. From cramp tears to hunger tears and I’m so tired of tears. From you are the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me- to how the fuck do other mothers do this? – tears. Or if someone ever hurts you, I’ll make him (or her) tear to death. From I can’t tear anymore until you just burst out laughing at me and that hits me in every fiber tears.
It doesn’t take much for the waterlanders to come again. In addition to the bulk packs of diapers and wipes, a dozen tissue boxes (size XXL please) were not a superfluous luxury on the list been. And every time I think: and now we’ve had it – with that whining – there’s another one new ‘first time’ that opens my floodgates wide.
First times
The nadir, or high point of mmy tear production – depending on how you look at it, was when I started working again. For the first time as a mother. During my leave the walls came at me, but that first week at the office I wanted nothing more than to be home. I loved being back among the adults and drinking my cappuccino hot (Hallelujah!!!), but hated leaving my baby behind.
“All kinds of tears pass in review.”
Read: with dad who I did it all with for the first three months (thanks to the extended parental leave) and who lulls Jackie to sleep faster than I do. With grandpa and grandma (who delivered me mature and well) or at the shelter where the teachers are very sweet and skilled. Still, the settling-in day turned out to be mainly one for mom.
Dry eyes
We are now a month further and I manage to deliver her with dry eyes. To go to the office without feeling guilty and to enjoy it even more when I get home. But yes… now it’s waiting for that first word, the first step, the first bike ride, the first day of school, the first period, the first boyfriend, the first time in a room… My goodness! Can someone pass me the tissues?
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