‘If it had only turned out differently, our son would not have been there’

Romee (34) was left alone when her boyfriend went in search of his roots in Sri Lanka. Now they have a two-year-old son.

“’I can’t believe it, Romee,’ my friend sometimes says when he plays with our son, ‘it just had to be different and he just wasn’t there.’ Arush and I had been together since we were 15 when I started talking about children five years ago. We were 29, graduated and lived together. I thought it was high time for a baby. High time for a conversation, my friend thought.

‘He didn’t want to know about it’

He was not ready for a family at all. First he had to come to terms with his own adoption. Originally from Sri Lanka, he wanted to know more about his origins and his childhood. I tried to support him, but he got completely caught up in himself. It was heartbreaking. For the first time in our lives I couldn’t get a grip on him.

We muddled on a bit, until one day he came home with the announcement that he was going to Sri Lanka to find his family and get to know his country and culture. He had no idea if he would ever come back; I had to start my family with someone else. I wanted to go with him, that baby could wait a while, but he didn’t want to know about it.

Not a greater gift

In retrospect, he couldn’t have given us a greater gift. He left me broken, but once alone I discovered that I could take care of myself just fine. I had plenty of time for friends, got a promotion at work and did what I wanted. As if I caught up with my childhood. My desire to have children shifted to the background. I changed my house, tried a pill at a party, and had sex with someone else for the first time in my life. I felt light and free, although I missed him terribly.

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‘I miss you’

After a few months, Arush found his mother. “We have exactly the same hands,” he emailed. And the first thing she asked me is if I have children. I miss you.’ When he was back in the Netherlands nine months later, we made an appointment now and then. Step by step we got closer to each other. Apparently we had to develop separately to find each other again.

One Sunday morning, Arush said, “I want it too, honey, a family together.” Three months later I was pregnant. “Only now do I understand how much my mother must have loved me to give me up,” he said as he held our son in his arms. “I’m so grateful for giving me a family.” Then I knew for sure that things were right between us: this should have happened like this. ”

This article has previously appeared in Kek Mama.

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