‘I was suddenly childless from unwanted pregnancy’

‘When I was twenty-five, I got pregnant unplanned by my friend Tom. We were only together for a few months. I nearly fell off my chair holding the positive test in my hands. I still wanted to travel, make a career, learn life. Suddenly there was a bean in my stomach. Tom and I decided after nights of deliberation to go for it; After all, we always wanted children. Then only one change of plans, so be it.

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We were just getting used to the idea when after 11 weeks of pregnancy I started bleeding: a miscarriage. Tom and I were devastated. Although we had been forced to change all our plans for the future, we had grown attached to the life in my belly. Instead of going back to our old plans, we tried to conceive again. Month after month after month. But nothing happened.

I’m just too focused on it, I thought, I just had to give my body and mind time. From unwanted pregnancy I was suddenly childless; no one can grasp such a cover so quickly. But after a year it still didn’t work. The doctor sent us “out into the meadow”. We were so young, it would work itself out, he said – we had already proved that once, hadn’t we? But seven months later, all my pregnancy tests were still negative. Finally we were allowed to enter the medical mill.

A miracle

The gynecologist confirmed my fearful suspicion after a physical examination of both of us and weeks of waiting for the results of blood and sperm tests: Tom’s sperm cells showed hardly any sign of life. It was a miracle that I got pregnant spontaneously the first time.

Fertility problems before your thirties; I thought the hospital had made a mistake. But the gynecologist showed me the results in black and white. Because Tom’s sperm was so weak, he suggested ICSI, a form of IVF in which one sperm cell is injected directly into an egg. One second flew through my mind: I can leave Tom too. What couple gets through something as drastic as an IVF process unscathed at all? It would save me a lot of physical and emotional misery. The same second I pushed that thought away again: there was only one man in the whole world I wanted to have a child with, and that was Tom.

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Guilt

Tom had it perhaps the hardest. He felt damaged in his manhood and felt guilty towards me. He knew that the road to a baby would be a long one, and how much I craved a child. In addition, I was the one who would have to suffer the most physically. No matter how fertile I was, I had to undergo an intensive hormone treatment, in which I injected myself to allow several eggs to mature at the same time, which could then be harvested later through a painful procedure.

In the meantime, we became a candidate for IUI (intra-uterine insemination), where processed semen from Tom that was healthy was injected directly into my uterus. It didn’t work, as did the first two transfers of eggs fertilized by ICSI. After a second ‘harvest’ of new eggs, the ICSI was successful. Two weeks later I miscarried again.

Screaming from the rooftops

The continuous life between hope and fear, the disappointments and the hormone treatments took a toll on our relationship. It made me terribly unstable and snappy and had the feeling that we were living in the hospital. There was no longer any question of a normal sex life, which is even prohibited at some points in the process. But the fourth attempt was successful. Tom and I could shout it from the rooftops, but we didn’t dare to do so until after fourteen weeks of pregnancy we still saw a powerful beating heart on the ultrasound. It made us much closer again: the end of the misery was in sight. Six months later, Nadine was born.

People usually have no idea how hard such a medical road to a baby is. My family and friends wanted to understand. They saw me struggle – in hospital, out of hospital and with nothing else on my mind but getting pregnant – but going through such a process is really a different story. I’ve felt so alone at times.

Our own miracle

Tom and I would love to have a second child. You often hear that this still happens spontaneously after IVF treatment, but in our case the chance is very small. And the whole medical mill again, I can’t take that anymore. So we stick to one child despite our wish. We are extremely happy with Nadine; that she is there is our own miracle.’

IVF or ICSI?

In vitro fertilization (IVF) literally means ‘fertilization in glass’. Outside your body, the embryologist brings the healthy sperm cells of the man into contact with the egg cell. ICSI stands for intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection and is a form of IVF, but here the specialist injects one selected sperm cell directly into the egg outside the body. This especially happens in couples where the man is severely less fertile.

As soon as fertilization takes place, the doctor places the embryo – sometimes two – back in the uterus after a few days. About 20% of all IVF treatments result in pregnancy, and about 2% of Dutch babies would be born after IVF or ICSI treatment.

Regardless of her own fertility, all women must undergo multiple hormone treatments for IVF. In a normal cycle, only one egg matures; thanks to the hormones, there are five to ten. The maturation can be followed by means of vaginal ultrasounds. In this way, the doctor also knows when it is time to “harvest” the eggs.

Critics argue that ICSI is riskier than IVF. During normal IVF treatment, one (the strongest) of the thousands of sperm cells penetrates into the egg. In ICSI, the embryologist selects a good-looking sperm cell for fertilization. Injecting into the egg could also damage the chromosome material of the egg. However, various studies contradict this.

The basic package of the health insurer includes three IVF treatments. Some supplementary insurance policies reimburse more treatments.

This article was previously published in Kek Mama.

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