‘I turned out to be pregnant a day after the adoption did not go through’

Image: Getty Images

Mirjam is about to adopt a child with her husband when they suddenly receive bad news. But the next day a surprise awaits them.

Miriam (36): “I stared open-mouthed at the two lines on September 25, 2019. I could not believe it. According to the pregnancy test I had taken just before, I was pregnant. But that wasn’t possible at all. Rutger and I were unable to have children of our own due to fertility problems; our doctors had made that clear after more than seven years of trying and various fertility treatments.

wish for children

As tough as it was, we had more or less resigned ourselves to it. Our desire to have children, however, remained. If we couldn’t take care of our own child, let’s take care of a child to whom we could give our love. That’s why we went for adoption. Due to new regulations, it was only possible to adopt ‘special needs children’ (children with physical or mental disabilities, ed.) from abroad.

What followed was a fierce period with many conversations, courses and inspections, but we passed it successfully. Then we saw an anonymous call for the adoption of a child on the website of our adoption agency. Although we only got the medical information and couldn’t see a picture of the child, I immediately felt a lot of mother love when I read the story. For example, it said that the child was nearly blind and that no suitable adoptive parents had yet been found. Rutger and I knew immediately that we wanted to give this child a warm home. We applied as intended parents and hoped we would qualify.

wish list

A day before my positive pregnancy test, we received the news that the adoption could not go through. According to our contact person at the adoption association, it was because of our wish list, which was ‘too wide’. And if we wanted to keep that list like this, they wouldn’t intercede for us anymore.

“We found the whole idea of ​​such a wish list particularly crude”

We heard reports. How was it possible that our planned adoption would end up on the wish list? We found the whole idea of ​​such a list itself particularly crude. For example, as intended parents, when adopting a special needs child, you must fill in what you are open to. For example, do you think it’s okay if the child is missing limbs or is seriously ill? Although Rutger and I were aware that these children would require intensive care, we did not see it as a problem at all. Of course, it would take adjustment, but medical care in the Netherlands is so good, we were sure that a special needs child would be in good hands with us.

Unfortunately, our contact at the adoption association disagreed. Precisely because we were open to almost all special needs, she was afraid that we would regret it later. She therefore sent the file of the adopted child back to the country of origin and afterwards we heard that she had said that she had not been able to find suitable parents for the child. This really broke my heart. We were indeed suitable and would have loved to take care of the baby, we just didn’t get the chance.

pregnancy test

After the news, Rutger and I were devastated with grief. Against my better judgement, I took a pregnancy test the next day. I did that often, because despite everything I always kept a little hope. Actually, it was a kind of desperate act, because I also knew that I couldn’t get pregnant. However, I was already two weeks late. I know it’s the stress, but a little voice in my head said it could be something else.

“With joy I had to laugh and cry at the same time”

I waited patiently for the control line to light up. And indeed, that happened. But it was remarkable that the test line also appeared. I was pregnant! I was laughing and crying at the same time with joy. In disbelief I took a picture of the test and sent it to Rutger. He was just as surprised as I was, but also super happy at the same time. Meanwhile, I still couldn’t believe it.

Also read: ‘It is with a heavy heart that I have let go of my adoption wish’ >

dashes

Since I had to teach singing, I showed the photo to a student’s mother five minutes later in my enthusiasm. I asked if she saw the lines too and she gave me a hug, cheering. She knew how much I wanted a baby and assured me with a big smile that those lines were not just there, the test was really positive.

“It was a strange sensation”

Suddenly it came to me. The adoption fell through, but we did have a baby. Our own baby! For me it was a strange sensation. One day I was still walking around with a broken heart because our desire to have children had fallen apart and the next day I was suddenly very happy because I was pregnant. Even though my emotions were all over the place, it felt like it was all just meant to be.

At the same time, I still found it unimaginable that I was pregnant. That is why I took an extra pregnancy test together with Rutger on the same day and it was also positive. Even our doctor couldn’t explain why after all these years she had suddenly managed to get pregnant. It was a rare situation, she said, but she’d seen it in couples who couldn’t have children. Apparently my husband’s ‘dead seed’ once contained a good seed.

Adoption baby

My unexpected pregnancy made it easier for me to put the adopted baby out of my mind, but somehow that also felt a bit strange. Because what if we had been allowed to adopt the child? Our lives would have been very different then. Unfortunately I don’t know how the adopted baby went, but I hope that he (we heard later that it was a boy) still ended up in a nice adoptive family.

Our daughter is now almost two years old. Her name is Cheyenne Savannah and she is a sweet and cheerful girl of whom we are very proud. It might be a silly thing to say, but every now and then I still can’t believe she’s there. We enjoy her immensely and it is very nice that we have been able to hold her and watch her grow from day one.

A second

We are currently trying to have a second child naturally, but I am afraid that is not for us. A new adoption process is also not possible. In the Netherlands there is currently an adoption stop and only the procedures that have already been completed are still being completed.

“Realizing our wish to have children has been an emotional rollercoaster”

In addition, realizing our wish to have children has been an emotional rollercoaster. Previous fertility treatments have failed, so we wouldn’t be doing it again anytime soon. You can of course keep trying. You never know how things could turn out, just look at Cheyenne. She is truly a miracle for which we are very grateful every day.”

This article can be found in Kek Mama 05-2022.

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