“I thought it just didn’t ‘work’ for me”

Until three years ago, Astrid had never managed to come. And then she met Joost.

Astrid (35) coach and trainer, mother of Sarah (11), relationship with Jurgen (40):

“Three years ago, I called my then boyfriend Joost, exulting: ‘It worked! I now know what it means to cum!’ On his advice, I had withdrawn myself into bed with a sex toy. He thought that when I was 32 it was about time I experienced what it was like to have an orgasm. It was a highlight of my life for several reasons.

Sex fun

Until then, I hadn’t known a spectacular sex life. Sex had been very straightforward, nothing experimental and limited to two positions. I had never experienced an orgasm. No idea what everyone was talking about in the magazines or on TV. Having fun at all with sex was already complicated for me, because I was quite blue.

I lost my virginity when I was seventeen and not much later got into a relationship with Edwin, the father of my daughter Sarah, with whom I would eventually be together for sixteen years. It was not a fantastic marriage. Edwin was a thoughtful man, very careful. An ideal son-in-law, but communication was not his forte. It wasn’t an animal in bed at all.

Edwin always came during sex, I never. He found that difficult, but he said there was nothing he could do about it. I accepted that it just didn’t ‘work’ for me. I sometimes got a burning sensation when we made love, as if I had to pee. Maybe I was close then? But there was too little passion anyway and it didn’t feel like a real release, let alone a blissful moment.

Activity between the sheets

We had sex once every few months. Sometimes there was even half a year or longer. After a bad pregnancy, I got a post-natal pressure. At the time, there was very little activity between the sheets at all, but I didn’t miss it either. After that we picked up our weak rhythm again with difficulty. I had read that the longer you don’t do it, the less you feel like it. That was right. I just had no idea how to activate the sex drive.

“I just had no idea how to activate the sex drive”

After a good conversation I sometimes felt a connection and I wanted to make love, but that didn’t happen often. Edwin was not a talker. I once again took a personal development course to learn to communicate better with him, but that didn’t help either.

In couples therapy, Edwin once said he hated the idea that if I went out in a bar, I would get male attention because I was such a beautiful woman. I was just shocked by that statement. It was one of the five compliments he made me throughout our relationship.

At the end of our marriage, we stopped trying to have sex at all. Although Edwin claims that he sometimes tried something, but that I always rejected him. However, I didn’t feel seen by him. One time I tried to kiss him deeply at a party, when I had a glass of wine. But then he complained that he couldn’t breathe. Well, I immediately went back into my shell.

Also read – ‘After my divorce I felt wanted by another man for the first time in my life’ >

Unconditional love

When we finally got divorced, I resolved to look for a man with whom I could have those deep conversations I so desperately needed. That he had to be a good lover wasn’t even on my list of priorities. Rather, it had to be someone I could feel unconditional love for.

That first period alone was quite difficult for me. My environment did not understand the separation. My sister reacted angrily. My mother thought I should have done better for our daughter, who was seven at the time. That really felt like a slap in the face. People had no idea how difficult our marriage had been for me.

“After the papers were signed, a kind of postponed student life started for me”

I also really had to break free from Edwin, because our lives were so intertwined. But after the papers were signed, I experienced a sort of postponed college life. On the weekends that Sarah was with Edwin, I went out. I was well placed in the market and I loved taking advantage of that.

On my cousin’s birthday I met his best friend Joost. A handsome man, really a bonk of a guy who is 2.02 meters tall. But also very sensitive. We chatted for three hours that night and afterwards I took him to my house to continue talking and listen to music.

Complex affair

There was a great sexual chemistry between us, but nothing happened that night. Joost was married and had two children. I didn’t really want anything with a tied man. Yet we started a complex affair that lasted two years. He even left his wife for me. But in the end we were not a suitable match emotionally and mentally.

“Even during sex I was constantly thinking about what it would be like for my bed partner”

I did learn to enjoy sex through him. Joost was always very focused on my pleasure. Especially when he heard that I had never had an orgasm, that became his mission. But whatever he did when we made love, it didn’t work. In retrospect that could be explained. I was one all my life pleaser been. I take care of others first and then myself. I had such a great sense of empathy that during sex I was constantly thinking about what it would be like for my bed partner.

Orgasm

But unlike my ex who resigned myself to my inability, Joost kept urging me to go on a journey of discovery: ‘Experiment with toys, challenge yourself, look for it and don’t resign yourself to it.’ Supported by his encouragement, I bought a purple soft mini vibrator at the Etos, with points on both sides that you could vibrate harder and softer.

“I was so proud that I immediately called Joost. ‘I’m not broken, it works!’”

I started working on it the same evening. Alone. I really didn’t dare to play with myself in front of Joost. I had set up a movie and sure enough, after a while I got a pulsating, astringent feeling that I had never experienced before. Very special. I was so proud that I immediately called Joost. ‘I’m not broken, it works!’

between the sheets

Since that one time, a world has opened up for me and I can easily cum. Both alone and during penetration. I now have a very sweet and nice friend, with whom it clicks in all areas, both inside and outside the bedroom. I feel very free and have no problem with being naked anymore. Sex for me is now playful, delicious and loving. I enjoy it and we close it with a highlight. During, after or not, if I don’t feel like it, but I know I can do it.

“Sex for me is now playful, delicious and loving”

There are many more women who struggle with this, but if there is no medical or traumatic experience behind it, the solution can be simple. For me it has been purely a matter of practice and throwing myself over the shame threshold. I had to learn how and what I liked and to focus on myself. A better sex life starts with you.”

This article can be found in Kek Mama 07-2022.

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