‘I still stutter when I meet new people’

“I know from my mother that I never wanted to say anything in group 1. I was very shy and I stuttered. Apparently at that age I already realized that the other children could speak fluently. Then I had a sweet teacher, who did not put me under pressure. Later the whole class waited for me to say something. I would prefer to disappear into the ground. I still know that feeling all too well. When I get into a new situation and all eyes are on me, I feel deeply unhappy. What is the chicken or the egg – the stutter or my extreme embarrassment – I couldn’t remember.

Fear

As a child, I think I was almost always scared. I was running out of time at school. My life only started when I was back home safely, with my big brother, with whom I built huts and made a lot of jokes. At one point I stopped stuttering at home, so my parents were hopeful that I would grow over it. After all, that happens to most children.

But I kept stuttering, despite a lot of speech therapy and other therapy. I still falter when I meet new people. That makes me very insecure. If someone comes in line, you don’t hear me protesting. In groups people hardly notice that I am there. I work in ICT, as a real nerd, nice and safe.

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Pride

I know my boyfriend through the internet. We chatted for six months before I wanted to meet. It has been difficult for him to persuade me to have children. I was so afraid of all the situations I would have to face that I would rather avoid it altogether. While I secretly wanted to have children.

How glad I am that I became a mother after all. I dare more for my girls. If there’s something wrong with them and I have to call the doctor, I just do it, whether I stutter or not. And when it comes to them, I won’t let myself be pushed off. I even called a bully’s mom recently: what a win. I want to show my kids that you can be proud of yourself no matter what.

So these days I straighten my back when I can’t get my words out. Because of my children I have taken more steps forward than with any other therapy. Who knows, maybe it will get to the point where I give a speech on their eighteenth birthday, you never know. ”

This article has previously appeared in Kek Mama.

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