“I looked back at my husband, she wasn’t with him. Where was our daughter?”
American Meg St-Esprit is a journalist and mother of four. She enjoys writing about education, the hilarity of parenting and recently shared one of the most scary experiences of her life.
“As a mom with what’s considered ‘many kids’ these days, it’s a wonder I haven’t lost them more often. Of course there have been some exciting moments where I couldn’t see them, like in a busy zoo or a packed pumpkin patch. But they were always back on my radar within seconds. When my eldest three were all in diapers at the same time, we basically always chose playgrounds with fences, we only visited museums on weekdays and I dressed them all in the same color for the zoo so that my eyes could find them quickly,” writes Meg .
By the time her youngest came along, she wasn’t so afraid of losing one of the kids. Her toddler had a different personality from her older children and a tendency to always stay with her. She affectionately called her ‘my velcro child’.
Empty hand
“The night we lost her was a holiday. One where we decorate the Christmas tree, sing Christmas carols and decorate sugar cookies on our little high street. As we packed up the kids and walked down to the festivities, we decided to leave the stroller at home. My youngest was 3 years old, it was two blocks from home and the 5 of us were available to keep an eye on her.
Also read: This is how it feels when you lose your child
We arrived and descended into chaos. The elders wanted to run off with school friends and needed a dollar and gloves. They also wanted a glowing necklace. The crowd swelled between us as our hands fumbled in our pockets,” shares Meg. And suddenly she realizes that her hand is empty. “I looked back at my husband, about five feet away, helping our oldest. She was not with him. Where was our daughter?’
Meg started running through the crowd calling her daughter’s name with every scenario flashing through her mind. Also the ones where strangers randomly snatched children off the street. “I knew she had to be around instead of in a fictitious white van speeding away. But where was she?’
Friends also started to look around and suddenly she heard her name and saw a neighbor holding her daughter above the crowd. “I didn’t know the neighbor well – although I do now – but she recognized my child from social media and went looking for me, because she knew I would panic.”
Feeling of safety
“In reality, this whole scene was ten minutes max, but it felt like hours,” Meg describes. “We managed to have another fun night, but my anxiety remained. And so did my youngest. More than a year later, she still panics in a crowd. She cites that night as the reason. It feels like a knife every time. Not only am I struggling with my own guilt, I’m also trying to rebuild her sense of security.”
Also read: ‘I lost my children in a crowd and this is what I learned’
She asks to practice our street name and house number, something all kids should learn, but her zeal betrays the true reason. She regularly asks how we find her if we lose her again. Then I remind her how another mama helped her. I tell her if she ever got lost, to find a family with children and tell her her name and where she lives. As a last ditch effort, I explained to her how AirTags work and asked if she wanted a “tracker bracelet” (to which she immediately exclaimed, “Yes! I need one!”). Something I’ve rolled my eyes at in the past, but now I see it as a salve for her fear.”
Guilt
Meg’s youngest is still the bubbly, fun-loving kid she’s always been, except when they’re surrounded by throngs of other families. “We’ll slowly restore her confidence in public, even though I’m willing to bet she’ll talk about that night in therapy one day. However, it is more difficult to work on my own guilt. It’s always harder to forgive ourselves than others, isn’t it?
I can’t go back in time and lose my child. I can plan, practice, and try to control every variable, but I can’t promise her we’ll never be apart again. Instead, I try to reassure her that she’s okay—that she’s okay—as I hope my own heart absorbs some of that reassurance as well.”
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Source: Scary Mommy
