‘I hate my stepchildren’

Image: Unsplash

You could call them bonus children, her boyfriend’s teenage son and daughter. Only Brigit does not feel that she has won an award. She tries hard to hide that she hates them, but not always successfully.

Brigit (43), since three years in a relationship with Tom (45), mother of twins Saar and Lente (7) and bonus mother of Kay (14) and Nino (12):

“Tom’s children are thoroughly spoiled brats who bend a little flexibly into nothing. Whatever I cook, they don’t like it. It’s those kids who take bits of peppers out of your pasta sauce and put them on the edge of their plates; I think that’s awful. Tom says nothing about it, he and his ex have always allowed that behavior.

I saw my own girls look wide-eyed at their stepsister and brother the first time it happened. Not much later, there were suddenly pieces of bell pepper on the edge of their plates. ‘You act normal’, I addressed them sternly. But the damage was already done. They were just four then. At that age, children only need to see something once and they embrace it for the rest of their lives. I have therefore deleted paprika as an ingredient. And not just bell peppers; when Kay and Nino are there, we often eat pizza or chips to avoid annoyance.

pronounced

I didn’t like them the first time I saw them. Tom’s ex has a very outspoken appearance and you can clearly see that in his children. I had heard so many nasty stories about that woman before I met her that I had already fully prepared my judgment. And of course I looked her up on social media. She’s quite active there, so I had a clear picture of my friend’s previous partner. You could call her a bit ordinary. Kay also doesn’t shy away from wearing clothes that I didn’t like until well after she was eighteen. If you say she’s sixteen or seventeen, you’ll believe it. I can clearly see her mother in her.

Both Kay and Nino have big mouths. They also curse; it’s f*cking before and after, all day – and Nino then with such a loud voice that keeps on skipping. When I ask if it can be a little less, they sigh wearily or look at me cheekily. There is just as little click on their part in that regard; they don’t like me either. Their stepsisters can go on with it. Saar and Lente are also ready to eat. Always cheerful, very sweet. Only nowadays a swear word comes out of those little faces with some regularity. ‘Where the fuck are my shoes,’ I heard Saar yell yesterday. She inherited that from Kay and Nino. Tom thinks it’s funny. I rather shocking.

Live together

We have been living together for a year and a half. I doubted that for a long time, because I knew it would also mean having Tom’s kids with us for a weekend every other week. I looked up to it like a mountain. Until that moment we had all been on holiday together a few times and that was a lot of suffering. They whine all day long. That disgruntled behavior. Their energy is so negative, you have to be strong if you don’t want to be influenced by that. Tom can let it slide just fine. Not me. I argue with them and let it ruin my mood.

“She plays us off against each other very cleverly”

Kay can be a little underhanded, a little out of tune. She plays Tom and me off against each other very cleverly; We’ve had a big fight about it in bed a few times. For example, she knows that I hate it when my garden is full of youth when I come home. She will therefore never ask me if she can invite some friends. That’s what she asks Tom when I’m gone. The result is that we just sit inside with the doors closed and I have to listen to the noise. I just can’t have much of them because they are not my own children. Saar and Lente are also incredibly annoying at times, but I feel unconditional love for them.

Also read – ‘I never wanted a stepchild, but now I’m overjoyed’ >

no match

Tom seems to feel that love for Saar and Lente too. He loves them so much, they have a really great bonus dad with him in that regard. And also with their father they have a bonus mother who loves them dearly. I’m very honest about it; I don’t like Kay and Nino. The weekends that they are there, I always plan completely full with appointments. I don’t like the sight of that lethargic hanging on the couch. And I don’t need to hear those whiny voices.

I’ve been trying to arrange it with my ex so that on the weekends that Kay and Nino are with us, he has the twins. But that turned out so unlucky with the schedule of his new girlfriend’s kids that we left it that way. It seemed delicious; at least then I would have my hands free and I wouldn’t have to play the fun composite family. Then I could shop all day with my friends or plan a day in the sauna, then Tom could do the honours. When I grumble to Tom about it, he almost always says that Saar and Lente will be no different in their puberty. I believe that I have two completely different children, but the difference is that these are my children.

I am very good at venting my frustrations to my mother. He also understands me completely, sees why I don’t get along with my stepchildren. “You just don’t match them,” she always says. A colleague has the same thing with her stepchildren; they drive her mad with their quarreling among themselves. The two of us regularly take a walk during lunch where we let off steam.

The feeling is missing

For now I’m still stuck with it; I don’t see them leaving the house so soon. Tom wanted to take them on winter sports this Christmas, but I put a stop to that. ‘We are going together, Saar and Lente are not going either – I want to be completely childless for a while’, I said very firmly. Tom didn’t argue and that’s a good thing; I really refused it. If he wants to ski with them, he goes alone.

“If he wants to ski with them, he goes alone”

I try to let the children know as little as possible that I hate them. I also feel incredibly guilty about my feelings at times. When it’s their birthday, I’ll make sure there’s a nice present. At Christmas they are not short of anything, then I spend just as much money on them as I do on my own children. They both have a beautiful room with us that I have lovingly decorated – in the hope that they would also spend a lot of time there – and I also make sure I stand by the hockey field every once in a while to cheer them on.

But it all doesn’t come from my heart, that feeling is missing. I’m doing it for Tom. Conversely, I would be horrified if he thought so badly of my children. I cling to the idea that they might come around as they get a little older. Who knows, maybe Kay and I will be each other’s best friends in ten years, but for now I can’t imagine that much.”

This article appears in Kek Mama 09-2022.

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