‘I hand out penalty points at the table’

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Suddenly you’re fed up. The hassle at the table, that stupid staring at that iPad, the eternal battle at bedtime. From now on you will approach things very differently.

Kirsten (34), mother of Stella (1.5) and Elmer (3), introduced strict screen times.

“The iPad was our digital nanny. If my son got a bit groggy and he didn’t want anything anymore: here, have fun with it. Usually he would turn on Netflix to binge Fireman Sam, or the entire Frozen movie. Then he added a few more Peppa Bigs and suddenly we were two and a half hours further.

rest for a while

Of course I knew it wasn’t okay, but somehow it was nice too. My daughter is quite feisty and together they can argue a lot. When she lay in bed and he sat behind the iPad, it was finally quiet. A little rest, coffee, newspaper, a little work, my hands free. And he’s learning from it too, I told myself. Because suddenly he said horse when he was allowed on my back. You see, I thought, must have got it from Netflix. But still: his face behind that tablet, mouth open, hollow stare, fully checked out, it didn’t feel right. What if, as a fifteen-year-old, he’s only behind a screen? my husband and I wondered. We don’t want that, do we?

‘Play with your toys’

So get on with it, because you won’t win that battle with an adolescent. We decided that we would again determine how long he watched. Half an hour a day, nothing more. Of course it was drama the first few times when we told him to put the iPad away. “Play with your toys!” I would say, because it was his birthday and he had the entire Playmobil collection at his disposal. After a week or two, three, he accepted. I’m glad we persevered, although I sometimes miss my digital nanny. It was very easy for me.”

pigsty

Anna (38), mother of two sons aged seven and eight and a daughter of four, went on to hand out penalty points at the table.

“It was a pigsty. Eating on the floor, walking away from the table during the meal, eating with your hands. We kept saying: sit down, don’t make such a mess. Hi, these are big bums aged eight and seven. Their friends who sit here can do it too, even their younger sister eats properly. “We’re going to introduce a points system,” my husband said. ‘With penalty points for those who don’t listen. Three penalty points is washing dishes.’

I was against it at first, I’m more into rewarding, but my husband was very determined. After some grumbling, the boys went along; they had no choice. They started to watch their manners, it became a challenge not to mess. After a few weeks it went by itself and the points system quietly disappeared. Our meals are a lot cozier.”

Nice, he’s smart

Sanne (33), mother of three boys aged ten, eight and four and daughter of two, decided to introduce conversation rules.

“When Jonathan was four years old, he became fascinated with ocean animals. He drew bacteria and plankton, and while his classmates folded gnomes, he made barracudas. Nice, we thought, he’s smart. We gave him animal encyclopedias and atlases and at the table he gave lectures on the mesopelagic zone.

He doesn’t listen

In group four, a teacher spoke to us: it’s great that he can tell like that, but he doesn’t listen to others. Of course we knew. We also found it tiring at times. My husband let Jonathan have his way once, as an experiment. Without interruption he went on for hours about animals. It was clear: we had to deal with it. When he started talking about animals again, we said: nice, but what did you experience today? What do you think about that, and what would others think about it? He was allowed to ask one quiz question about animals during the evening meal. And then it had to be about something else.

Dynamics at the table

It took three years, but he is indeed more social now. Perhaps that is also because we now have four children. The dynamics at the table are different, he is no longer the only one talking, he has to wait and listen to others. His love for animals has extended to all animal species and woe betide me if I accidentally step on a snail. But he is less monomaniac. Quite special, that parenting can happen automatically, simply because there are so many of you.”

Afternoon and evening next to that cot

Lotte (34), mother of two sons, aged four and one, tackled the bedside ritual.

“My oldest was not an easy sleeper as a baby. I let him cry because he couldn’t be comforted at all. When it turned out that my second liked it when I stayed next to his bed, I actually thought that was quite sweet. I stroked his head and he fell asleep on his own. But after a while he also wanted me to pat his tummy. And, a little later, made humming noises. And so every afternoon and evening I sat next to that crib, knocking and soothing. Even at night, when he woke up. I tried to make him cry once, but then he kicked up a terrible row.

Completely done with it

The highlight was the holidays, when he got into bed screaming and the whole thing broke down. Suddenly I was completely done with it. I decided on the spot to apply the tried and true method: say goodbye, let it cry for five minutes, put it back in bed, leave, return after five minutes, et cetera. I believe I had to go back four times, and then he slept. And it stayed that way, even at night. There was no drama; unbelievable that it was so easy. He has since fallen asleep on his own. Of course I did not expect this, otherwise I would have continued much earlier.”

Also read: ‘Educating? I just do something’

First a while…

Sandy (39), mother of a six-year-old son, has been trying to introduce the concept of bedtime for three months.

“It started when I said it was bedtime. ‘First play with the stuffed animals’, my son would say. “And jump on the bed.” He brought in a game, wanted to hear a story. Pretty cosy, but it was getting later and later before he went to sleep. The term bedtime no longer had any meaning for him.

Finally we intervened. This child needs structure and rules, and his rest. Moreover, our evenings were getting shorter and shorter, because we were only busy with him. It seemed like he was in charge of the house.

Commander

Now I sometimes feel like a commander standing next to him in the bathroom. “I’m telling you to brush now, so go brush. Mama says this, so you do that.’ When we put him to bed, we read a story, say goodnight, give him a hug and leave. We are not there yet, he often cries when we leave his room. Because he is afraid, he says, or dreads the tension of group three. It seems like he is missing the button to just fall asleep. Until he finds it, we keep repeating our tune.”

‘Structure, it gave me the creeps’

Sabine (32), mother of two boys aged four and two and a girl aged ten weeks, introduced peace, regularity and cleanliness.

“Are yours never tired in the morning?” I sometimes heard when we were the last ones left with the children after an evening with friends. I brushed off those kinds of comments, or I lied: “No, they’re usually neatly in there by seven o’clock.” Structure, it gave me the creeps. My husband and I actually liked it when the children turned to our rhythm. If we wanted to eat outside until late in the evening, the children just joined in. We all see it, was our credo.

Can’t get out of bed

When friends left around dinner time, I thought: isn’t it fun, you can also let your child sleep here on the couch? But as soon as the oldest had started in group one, we noticed that such a rhythm no longer worked. He couldn’t get out of bed in the morning and was always tired. This summer vacation we tackled it all in one go: eat on time, go to bed on time. My oldest son asked the first night if the light could be turned off. “Um no dear, that’s not possible, that’s the sun.” Now that they are in bed on time, we suddenly have plenty of time again. Yesterday, for example, I watched a movie in bed with my husband. It was over at half past nine. Half past nine – earlier our evening only started.”

This article was previously published in Kek Mama.

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