‘I don’t regret my abortions, but I do regret’
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An abortion seemed the logical way when she became pregnant unintentionally at the age of twenty, the grief afterwards came unexpectedly. Joyce vowed never to face such a choice again, but fate decreed otherwise.
Joyce (41) lives with Michael (55) and has four children from a previous relationship: Max (19), Tim (17), Fleur (15) and Julie (12).
“By accident I was referred to the same private clinic. It still smelled exactly the same. Clinical. Sterile. Fortunately, this time I was not alone, but my friend was sitting next to me. We took a seat in a full waiting room. Young girls, sometimes children, married women, with their mothers, fathers, husbands or boyfriends next to them.
You sit together, just like in the waiting room at the obstetrician, only this is a completely different setting. Everyone here is unintentionally pregnant. No talking, no looking at each other. You all share a secret secret. Even if you leave the building after the abortion, you run away hurriedly, almost fleeing. Afraid of meeting someone. So aware of what you just had done.
Contents
Inconsiderate in everything
I was twenty. Second year in a theater course. A year and a half dating Victor and active in student life. At parties I drank and smoked a lot, I didn’t live too healthy. I was sloppy with my birth control pill. Sometimes I took it in the morning and then again in the evening. Sometimes even with a sip of wine. I hadn’t had my period in ages, took a test for fun and to my horror I found out that I was pregnant. Immediately my mind went through: oh dear, now I have to either quit smoking or terminate my pregnancy.
A bizarre thought. But I was brash about everything and really not ready for motherhood. I also had no idea how my relationship would develop, Victor and I didn’t live together. He was in the military and spent a lot of time abroad. When I told him about the positive test, he was not very sympathetic. He immediately supported me in the idea of an abortion.
Through the Riagg (at that time a mental health institution, ed.) I got the address of a private clinic. I went there alone; Victor had just gone on broadcast for two months. I thought it was a chilly white space. The ultrasound showed clearly that I was ten weeks pregnant. I was sent away for the legal cooling-off period of five days. I was angry about that. I had already thought carefully: I did not want this child.
emptiness
I was relieved when the fetus was finally cured, but felt very empty after the procedure. Mentally I could reason it all well, emotionally it was a different story. I called in sick from school and locked myself in the house for two weeks. I hadn’t confided in anyone other than Victor. My mother, friends – I didn’t think they would understand me. I didn’t want to see people, I also felt guilty. I should have prevented this pregnancy. I saw my pain as a wake-up call for my laxity.
I was surprised at my great sadness. I didn’t expect the abortion to have such an effect on me. I thought I had made a deliberate decision, but it changed me as a person. Sleeping through the night, going out, drinking a lot? I stopped immediately. It all seemed so superficial to me. I threw myself into my education and work. Before I was amicable and open, now I became careful in what I said and did. I turned inside myself. I used to shout that I was fine, but inside I cried.
Filling the Hole
Two years later I was pregnant again. Again not planned. I had taken medication for an inflammation that apparently had an influence on the pill. This time I was in my senior year, so timing still wasn’t ideal, but not a hair on my mind thinking about having this kid removed. I was older, stronger, my life more stable.
Victor and I moved in together and I built my exams and work around the child. Baby number two followed two years after our son Max and two years later we had our third. Children who would probably never have come so quickly or at all without my abortion. Somehow I wanted to fill the hole I still felt inside me.
born of love
My marriage to Victor was far from great. He turned out to be a narcissistic man and in the end I asked for a divorce. When we broke up, I found out I was over 20 weeks pregnant. I hadn’t noticed; Because of all the stress I haven’t menstruated for months. It didn’t feel right at all, but I felt strong enough to take on single motherhood. Plus, I didn’t want to go through the hell of an abortion again.
My mother, unaware of my first abortion, suggested a clinic where they curetted until 23 weeks. I thought that was awful. How did she get it in her head to say that? Did she know how hard an abortion was? I could never do that again. Of course I didn’t tell her that, but a fire burned inside me. Like a lioness I fought for this unborn child. Even if I had to live with it on the street, this child was allowed to come. I saw it as a present to myself. Enjoy one more time. That’s what I always said to Julie, my youngest, later: ‘You weren’t made out of love, but born out of my love for you.’
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father figure
In the years that followed, it also went well, despite all the setbacks. Victor – who denied being the father of baby Julie and falsely accused me of cheating – cut all contact with us. He simply didn’t show up for visitation lawsuits and didn’t pay a cent in alimony. He also refused to acknowledge Julie.
Yet I tried to raise the children as stable as possible and to give them a healthy basis. That was reinforced when Michael came into my life. He, a divorced father with a daughter of seventeen and a typical bon vivant, brought a lot of fun and zest for life with him. I actually just felt like a dull house mother with four children, because of him I revived. Michael turned out to be a father figure to my children. They grew into balanced teenagers and we gave them a healthy foundation. We were a finely blended family. Our life was good and finally on track.
Pregnant again
And then the impossible happened: two years ago I got pregnant again unplanned. I had knocked on the door of my GP with bladder complaints. I had been struggling with irregular periods for a while, suspected to be early in the menopause. The next day the assistant called with the results of the urinalysis. I was right, she said, I did indeed have a bladder infection. But did I know I was pregnant too? Well no. I was in complete shock.
This pregnancy couldn’t have come at a worse time. For a few months I struggled with eldest son Max who kept running away from home. I was very concerned and called for help. They arranged a kind of 24-hour shelter where he could go after school, but still slept at home. It was a restless, unpleasant period. Confronting Max with a ‘love baby’ didn’t seem smart to me. I was afraid it would completely derail.
‘love baby’
Michael reacted super sweet and understanding when I told the message about the pregnancy in tears. He knew how painful and traumatic I had found my first abortion. He also knew that I could not have tolerated an abortion with Max and Julie, so he gave me full lead in this pregnancy. If I wanted to abort it, he would support me unconditionally, but he also understood well if I wanted to keep the child. His response was incredibly sweet and comforting.
Yet I have not doubted. I really reasoned with my mind. A baby would greatly damage my oldest son. Anyway, I already had my hands full with the four children I had. Another baby, toddler, preschooler; I didn’t want to think about it. But I also didn’t want to bring a child to my environment again. At the time with Julie, many people had already found ‘something’ about it. So, despite all the pain of the first time, I chose to have this pregnancy terminated.
An empty place
That abortion was now two years ago and again I experience the same emptiness as with my first abortion. Like I’m missing something. I still doubted whether I should get a special tattoo, to give a place to the pain. Maybe someday I’ll do it. Michael and I regularly talk about what it would have been like if we had let the child come. Was it a boy or girl? What would a child of ours look like together? Those thoughts may be there, but they break me every time.
Not because I’m sorry, I still stand behind that choice. But such a decision is painful and final. If you choose differently, you now have a two-year-old child walking around. Fortunately, that kind of sad moment comes in fits and starts. I’m grateful to be able to share that with Michael, unlike the first time, when Victor wasn’t even there and never came back to it.
This is really something of us two. We have never discussed it with our children and I am also careful with outsiders. Abortion is still a taboo, I’ve noticed. You don’t introduce yourself as ‘Joyce, mother of six, two of whom I had taken away’. People often think very black and white. There are quite a lot of people who are opposed to having children themselves and then disapprove of your ‘just’ having a pregnancy terminated. I understand the feeling of injustice, but no one allows an abortion to be ‘just for a while’. You can’t judge if you haven’t stood up for it yourself.
I finally told my two best friends about it recently. Said I wanted to confess something. They both responded super nicely, without judgment or well-intentioned advice. That was quite healing. Sharing my story here also helps. I hope there will be more openness. In fact, both for abortions and miscarriages. We keep pregnancies quiet until the twelfth week, because suppose things go wrong. But when things go wrong, whether consciously or unconsciously, why not ask for some understanding and compassion?”
This article is in Kek Mama 14-2020.
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