‘I could hardly handle their love’

When Mariel Vos (39) was four months old, she was adopted. When she was eleven she ended up in a foster family, where she lived until she was seventeen. Mariël: “People often expect that everything will be fine in a foster family. But that is not always the case.”

Mariel’s adoptive parents were gifted people. They couldn’t really take care of her, so Mariel had to deal with mental abuse. “I kept hearing that they regretted adopting me. They thought I was very expensive and wanted more value for money. As a six-year-old girl, I knew exactly what I had cost. I was also beaten by my parents. It was a very tough situation.”

foster care

When Mariel was nine years old, she ended up in day foster care. Out of school, around three o’clock, she went to a foster home and stayed there for dinner as well. Then she was taken back to her adoptive parents. “At a certain point I could see the differences between my adoptive parents and me more and more. Actually, I took care of them, instead of them taking care of me. As a child you are very loyal to your parents. I really loved them, they were my mother and father, even though their upbringing was totally wrong.”

Two years later, Mariel was then eleven years old, she was permanently removed from home. An experience she will never forget. “In the morning my adoptive parents told me that in an hour I would leave for my day foster care family. I totally panicked. I cried and apologized a hundred times for everything I did wrong in life. I so wanted to stay with them. I promised that I would always be sweet and caring. It was a traumatic event. In retrospect, I also think it was a low point in my life.” In the period after that, Mariel suffered from homesickness. She wanted so badly to go back to her parents. “I also noticed that I found it very difficult to handle the love of the foster family. These people were nice, but I was scared to death for doing something wrong. I was afraid that I would have to leave again.”

Be yourself

In her teens, Mariel said she was a sweet girl, especially to others. It wasn’t until she became a mother at 21 that she learned to really be herself. “When my son Ravi (now 18) was born, I learned what it’s like to be a mother, but also to be your own person and to stand up for myself. I had to. If I don’t stand up for my son, nobody will. In the first year after birth, I sometimes feared that I would do to my child the same things that had been done to me. In a panic I called my foster mother with the message: ‘I don’t think I can be a nice mother to him’. I’m still grateful for her response: “Mariel, you weren’t born to your adoptive parents, so you don’t have their genes. So of course you can raise your child’. The fact that I do have common sense is the most reassuring thought.”

Also read: Joanne is a foster mother of chronically ill Lina: ‘We enjoy it immensely, but it is spicy

To trust

“The bond with my foster mother is very strong. She sometimes tries harder than I do, because I find it difficult to trust people and let them in. Because the foundation in love is laid so wrong, I find it difficult to admit new loves. You doubt everything very quickly. I still blame my adoptive parents for that. Even if they were gifted, I just can’t forgive them for this. I broke off contact with them a long time ago. It was no longer a healthy situation. My foster mother shows in everything that she is always there for me and that she is behind me one hundred percent. She never let go of me. To her I really am her daughter, even if I don’t come out of her belly.”

own happiness

What Mariel especially learned is that you are responsible for your own happiness. You do not owe that to anyone else, but especially to yourself. “Life is much more fun when you’re happy. Your day starts much better when you wake up happy. Everyone has a bad day, including me. And that’s okay. But after crying, it’s good to get yourself back together. I think that is very important.” Mariel knows what it’s like to experience something traumatic. But she also knows better than anyone that there is a downside and that you can find happiness. “It’ll be fine, if you just want it.”

Mariel is currently writing a book. She is also often asked for lectures and workshops. She then talks about foster care and her life. “I would like to tell foster parents that they have to be patient. I understand that it is a beautiful thing for foster parents, because they become father and mother of a foster child. But do not forget that the child has its own father and mother. So be patient: the child will automatically pull towards you. Offers them that basis of love, but at rest.”

Would you like to get in touch with Mariel? Send an email to vosmariel@gmail.com.

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