Hester teaches her daughters to hold up their own pants later

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Twelve years ago I pulled the plug on my marriage. It was over, it was good and – to be honest – I had fallen in love with someone else with whom I could envision my future. Nothing against the father of my two oldest children, because that man is great. But we are not a match as a couple, something like that is possible.

Joint account

We had a house that he wanted to keep living in. That’s what I wanted him to stay there – nothing so nice in such a sad situation as the safe haven for the children remains in the same location. I myself was looking for temporary accommodation in the form of a rented house in the private sector. Cost? € 1250 per month, exclusive – back then. I had been working full-time all my life and certainly saw this rent as a big chunk of my budget, but could afford it.

We kept our alimony discussions short and sweet: we don’t do that. Not on partner alimony anyway (hell no, apart is apart) and we opened a joint account that we baptized ‘The Children’s Account’ and we both deposited an amount every month. We also had the child budget and child benefit paid into this account. We paid all child-related costs and also settled the invoices for our dogs (we have co-ownership) with it.

The children are now both adults and the bill still exists for, among other things, their birthday gifts and their funeral insurance. I never, for even a second, had to hold my hand on my ex. The idea of ​​that dependence alone, I find terrible.

Hold your own book

I already told my eldest daughter, during that divorce, how we had organized it. She was seven then and I really impressed her: “Floor, always keep your own pants on.” It paid off because she became a feminist. Although she has been dating a very nice boy for two years now, she doesn’t need a man to stay afloat.

“My daughters blood boils when it comes to pay inequality”

“She will be fine”, we often say about her here at home. Her blood boils when it comes to wage inequality, the way in which women in 2023 are disadvantaged on many fronts, but also because of the way many women let it all happen.

Unfair pay gap

“Working won’t kill you”, I often tell her and I impress that on my other daughter, Belle, who is 9 years old. It seems like a deadbeat cliché, but you will have to feed the women who are perfectly healthy and find two or three days of work ‘the max’. We still consider it normal for a man to continue to work full-time or at most to give up a day – something that the unfair wage gap does not contribute to in a positive way.

But let’s be honest; many women also enjoy working two or three days a week. It offers plenty of time and somewhere I would like that too, don’t let there be any misunderstanding about that – I’m always short of time. But if that means making myself dependent on my partner’s income or on government benefits, I’m quickly cured. Then don’t have all the time for the sauna with friends, yoga, sports, self-development courses, walking the dogs for a bit of reflection, baking cupcakes with the children or spelling out the petting zoo from A to Z.

Equality

Our household is based on complete equality and the children see that. We do everything together; concerns and raking in the family income. And of course, if you put everything on the scales, I’m cleaning more net and I worry just a little more often about the contents of the lunch box and which gift we should get for which party. I can meow about that (and I really do sometimes), but I can also put my hand in my own bosom and conclude that I am there myself, with that piece of inequality.

I am firmly convinced that I can do everything better, in terms of care and household. If there ever is a vacuum cleaner contest, I will win it with verve. And if you let me dress the little ones, they look to put through a ring, my friend grabs what he knows or what’s on top of the pile. So yes, that could just be pajamas during the day – it’s happened, more than once.

Earn more

A few years ago my eldest daughter, who was then a hardcore teenager of about 15 years old, asked who earned more; me or her stepfather. “Me,” I replied, prompting a hysterical shout of victory and a high five from her. “I want that later, I think that’s so cool,” she said. I glow with pride.

Not because I earn more than my boyfriend, but because my daughter saw that as her great example. How different is that from a few generations ago? Back then it was still questionable whether you were allowed to go to school at all as a woman and you were expected to stop working as soon as you were pregnant.

The numbers

We are moving in the right direction, we have had the worst inequality. But before the flags are lowered and hung out: we are not there yet. In 2021, according to Statistics Netherlands, more than 66 percent of women earned more than social assistance level on their own. Ten years earlier, this percentage was 57 percent. In 2023, 56 percent of women are financially independent, which means that 44 percent are not and rely on benefits or their partner to make ends meet.

And although we now know that relying on allowances is far from the salvation, assuming that things will remain between you and your partner forever is mercilessly naive. About 40 percent of all marriages fail. And while we insure ourselves en masse against something like a house fire, a very large proportion of women do not cover themselves against an equally dramatic financial life event as a divorce.

Read also – 35% of readers regularly worry whether they can make ends meet >

Everything can break

I am also very clear about this with the girls. “Are you ever getting a divorce?” Belle recently asked her father and me (we must have wanted to argue with each other at a slightly too loud volume). At such a moment I’m not going to tell her more beautiful than it is. “We don’t plan to, but you never know. Everything can break, including our relationship.”

“It will be irresponsible again, but I tell them honestly that nothing lasts forever”

It will all be irresponsible for the delicate child’s soul, but I prefer not to raise my children with fairy tales that could ever work against them. Let them be subtly but thoroughly aware of the fact that nothing is guaranteed to last forever, so you better prepare for what might come.

Financial independence

I want my girls to be able to choose their own happiness just like me, should the need ever arise. How many mothers are currently in the financial stranglehold of their family (because dad works full time, mom was always home with tea for three days when the kids come home from school, but has been unable to build a career because of that)? She wants to leave, but she can’t and that doesn’t infrequently suit Dad at all. Again, the same applies here: you will have to give them a living. Financial independence is more than being able to rent a house on your own. It’s your freedom.

As a man, you also benefit from financially independent women. A good friend divorced three years ago and his ex-wife hasn’t worked a day since. She works a minimum number of hours and has her ex transfer a substantial monthly amount in child support (she calls the amount ‘little’), despite the fact that they have the children in joint custody. The children (6 and 8 years old) are regularly told that she cannot afford something, because she does not have the money for it. If they want something, Daddy should pay her more, she says.

I don’t even know where to start explaining how much I hate this. Her son learns through her that as a man you apparently have to support your wife. And her daughter learns that it’s perfectly normal to hold out your hand to the man you’re not even married to anymore – double wrong. I can’t imagine anything at all. This mother has become the figurehead of how things shouldn’t be in our home. My girls—except for the ones in diapers—are both acutely aware of that. And it sometimes feels a bit like momshaming, but I really think that we women are doing ourselves and our children an incredibly big favor by pursuing that independence en masse. Leaning on your ex, why would you want that?

Independent woman

It may seem logical not to have these kinds of conversations with your daughter until she has at least reached puberty and has to think about a career on her own, but nothing could be further from the truth. Even if the children are still dribbling around in diapers, you can give them an example, they will pick that up. They see that it is quite normal for both mom and dad to go out to work. They see that equality and that becomes their truth.

Recently, the subject flared up here as well. A new student council had been elected at Belle Elementary School; eight children from four classes. What do you think? Eight guys! I immediately emailed the school, Belle asked me embarrassed if I could act a bit normal. But when I explained to her what it means that there is no girl on that student council, the penny dropped.

“Even if the children are still dribbling around in diapers, you can give them an example”

“These eight men are going to decide for you what will happen. They have done that for us for centuries and we women have partly allowed that to happen. If something new is purchased for the schoolyard, they decide what. That is not how it should be!” I said. “Yes, but they take us into account, they said,” Belle replied. I laughed it off, it must have sounded a bit demonic.

“Honey, don’t trust anyone, least of all a man, only yourself. Next year you and your friends will demand a seat on that council, promise?” She promised and so I planted another seed on the way to a new independent woman.

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