Father at the midwife: ‘There just didn’t seem to be much room for my contribution’

Many women are nervous about their first pregnancy. Logical too. Suddenly a new life grows in their bodies and there is quite a lot waiting for them, without knowing exactly what. And they can read all kinds of things about it, or be informed by friends who have gone before them, but how things will really go, such a birth, she will have to find out in due course.

The fathers-to-be

In addition, there is a specific group of people who are nervous about pregnancy and everything that comes with it. A group that can only watch from the sidelines what is happening and really has no idea what to expect. I belong to that group: the fathers-to-be.

When my loved one became pregnant, a mixture took hold of me that held the most between existential euphoria and sheer terror. Oh how happy I was that I was going to have a child with the sweetest and most beautiful woman in the world. And oh how I was afraid of everything that could go wrong. One thing was clear: I would accompany all appointments to the midwife. After all, it would tell us everything about the world we would immerse ourselves in in the coming months.

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meaningless wallflower

To my surprise, there wasn’t much of ‘us’. People who know me will find me an easy talker. I’m not necessarily bad at small talk and will even poke at a lamppost if I think there’s a conversation going on there. At the midwife’s I suddenly turned into a meaningless wallflower. There just didn’t seem to be much room for my contribution. Oh well, it was also a new situation, I had healthy tension, better next time.

However, it soon became clear to me that I didn’t necessarily have to join the next time, during the ‘simple checks’. And the times after that, my presence was not strictly necessary either. My girlfriend and the midwife formed a team that could do it together. I understood that: it was about her and the baby. Why was my ego suddenly getting in the way? Yet it was something different. I thought: if you keep the future partner away (well-intentioned and/or unconsciously) in the beginning, what does that say about our emancipated society?

Insecurities and fears

I didn’t always go along, but I forced myself into a number of appointments and slowly conquered a place in the secret alliance between my girlfriend and the midwife. When asked why I showed such extraordinary interest, I couldn’t say much more than that many expectant fathers also need a midwife: to be freed from the insecurities and fears of expectant parenthood.

What do you encounter during (and immediately after) pregnancy? What exactly is a birth plan and what do you have to buy, for example? ‘Father on the way’ by Willem Bisseling is full of useful tips, checklists and funny stories especially for expectant fathers. Most information is still focused almost exclusively on the mother. This book is expressly for the fathers who want to be well informed during that first period. Curious? Order the book here.