Ellen: ‘Staying seated was the best thing we could do for him’

The boys came home last Friday with their report card. Lewis was very happy with it, Miles was not. He came in sip.

“I only have red and orange.” It made him cry.

‘Let’s see,’ I said.

We read his report together, because you read a report these days. Yes, there were some points for improvement, but that is not surprising if the child actually went from group three to group four and from group four to group five. I wouldn’t have thought it strange if he had to do group four again and then told the teachers at the time, but his growth was fine and they were confident that Miles would do well in group five. Okay. If they say so, then so be it.

Still nice words

His growth also appears to be excellent in group five, as we read in the report. Yes, the boxes were red and orange here and there, alternating with blue and green (luckily there is a legend), but it was not as bad as he described it. The texts that the teachers had written under the colored boxes for argumentation were fantastically positive and sweet, constructive and motivating. I read the beautiful words out loud and watched Miles grow proud.

“Did you even read this?” I asked. ‘Because then you wouldn’t have come in so sad.’

“No,” he admitted. “It’s so much text, I can’t read it.”

Logical somewhere, I thought. Those colors immediately stand out, the text below is not. Anyway, he was happy with it in the end and proudly showed his report to grandpa and grandma and his father, who complimented him and gave him a big hug. He had been worrying about nothing, because of a few colors. What the teachers had written turned out to be much more important and valuable. The cognitive growth, asking for help, his increasing independence, eagerness to learn and his contacts with friends in class. The child is doing just fine. Point. The transition to group five had been the right one after all.

Letting go

Things went differently for Lewis in group four. Together with the teachers, we decided that mister was not yet ready for group five. In terms of the children’s schooling, I have never supported anything more than doubling Lewis in group four. Staying put was the best we could do for him, in all areas. He was still much too young, too playful, he didn’t feel like remembering spelling rules and tables and had his own learning strategy, but which one… nobody knew yet.

The bottom line was that he never felt like school, never wanted to learn. He became so understimulated by long instructional moments that he literally collapsed in his chair like a pudding. Once he got to fifth grade, he was tougher, more resilient, ready to learn more. More importantly, together with the teachers (the same top class Miles has now) we found out what Lewis needed in terms of learning: letting go.

After it had been ruled out – after various tests and conversations with the teachers and the IB’er – that it was due to his learning ability, we took a different tack. Lewis had to figure it out for himself. Very crudely said, but that was what worked. He was smart enough. Hook up with the instruction, great! Do you want to find out for yourself? Fine. Do you have questions? Fine. It worked like a train and Lewis actually started to like school.

He also received beautiful, well-founded texts in his report. His growth was described so beautifully that I cried when I read it, I remember that. The child had come a long way and his schooling had had so many bumps and hurdles. The fact that it finally went well made me very happy. Now he is in group seven and he misses his teachers from group five/six enormously, but he now has a very nice teacher. His report was in a word top. I was very proud of both my boys.

The fact that it finally went well made me very happy

Self confidence

Sometimes people are angry because their child stays put. Sometimes they are disappointed or afraid that the child will miss friends. That is all logical and understandable, but it can actually be very good for a child. To become more stable and firmer, to understand what he/she is doing with all those complicated methods, not to have to constantly walk on his/her toes and to gain success experiences. Sitting down isn’t always just about failing schoolwork. Often a child is just not ready to take the next step because of all kinds of other factors.

Nevertheless, there are exceptions, for whom staying put is counterproductive. It can feel like failure for a child, but then you as a parent – together with the teacher – are there to (hopefully) make it clear that that is not the case. In our case, Lewis was sad about it, but it only lasted for a while. After that he felt completely the man, because he was allowed to help explain and already knew a lot. That worked very well for his self-confidence.

Thank you

In any case, thank you teachers and master. Mieke, Renske and Alex. That you have such beautiful words for my sons and ensure that they go to school with happy faces. It’s not easy to write reports these days, respect that. It’s not like before. You can’t get away with a simple grade, or – as with my reports in the past – good, sufficient, moderate or bad. All those texts are a hell of a job and I know you’ve been working on it for a long time, but your words make a child proud and happy. Thank you!

More Ellen? Follow her on Instagram. You read her previous columns here back.

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