Celine Verhoef was shocked by mom shaming on social media
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Annoying comments, unsolicited advice, criticism: many mothers experience mom shaming. According to Celine Verhoef, mother of two sons and owner of Zakenmama, a platform for working mothers, a counter-voice such as #mombracing is desperately needed. “We need to talk to each other.”
Celine discovered last summer that mom shaming is still the order of the day. “I showed on TikTok that I was sitting comfortably in the garden while my children were at daycare. Just, a mother who had a moment to herself. This went down the wrong way with many people. Why on earth would you ‘take’ children if you are not there for them, I was told. I was an egoist. What happened here, I thought. It got me thinking, and I immediately felt: we have to do something with this.” The more Celine immersed herself in mom shaming and talked to friends, the more examples she came across. “From executives asking ‘whether you shouldn’t even stop breastfeeding’ to pregnant women being told they might have to look for another job.” She also read Kek Mama’s Tessa Heinhuis column, in which she says that she works full-time as a mother. It rained criticism. “What happened to me in a small way on TikTok, happened to her with thousands of comments.”
narrow vision
Momshaming occurs everywhere: online, in private, in public, but certainly also in the workplace, Celine notes. “As a mother you are still under a magnifying glass. Society has a certain view of how a mother should behave, and it is quite narrow. Especially when it comes to working mothers. On the one hand they seem completely established, on the other hand they are faced with questions, criticism and disadvantage.” A survey within the Business Mom platform also shows that: 39 percent of mothers noticed an immediate (negative) change at work during their pregnancy or when they had a child. “Think of contracts that are not renewed, are not invited to meetings, are not asked for fun projects, are not involved in the team, are no longer allowed to perform your job because you work less or are underestimated in what you can do as a mother.”
Celine Verhoef. Text continues below the photo.
‘It was not meant like that’
The majority of mothers have to deal with mom shaming, according to research by Kek Mama. At first, not every mother is aware of this, says Celine. “Once they know more about it, that will change. What I often hear is: ‘I thought I never had to deal with mom shaming, but now I think: oh, I did’. Momshaming is not always the result of bad intentions and is sometimes very subtle.” To recognize it, she uses a rule of thumb: does the remark not apply to fathers or people without children? Then it is momshaming, according to Celine, even if it is well-intentioned. “And it goes beyond just nasty comments. Are you nervous about telling your employer that you are pregnant? Are you afraid of the reactions of colleagues if your child is sick (again)? That is the result of mom shaming, because we now know how negative people often react in these kinds of situations.”
mombracing
A world in which we support each other instead of criticizing each other starts with recognition, according to Celine. “To eradicate it, we need to be aware that this is happening. Let’s seek recognition with each other and no longer sweep momshaming under the carpet. We also need to talk to each other.” Exciting? You don’t have to go straight to the highest boss, Celine emphasises. “Discuss it with friends and colleagues, for example, then you can always take it one step further. Years ago I once entered into a conversation with my manager at the time. During an application round, a suitable candidate, who turned out to be pregnant, was rejected. That was really impossible, I thought. I knew the conversation wouldn’t get her hired, but I’m still glad I raised it.” A counter-voice, such as mombracing, is desperately needed. “We still have a long way to go, but there is hope.”
87% of mothers in the Netherlands have to deal with mom shaming, according to research by Kek Mama. The editors found this so shocking that they started a campaign: Kek Mama is launching mombracingthe counterpart of momshaming, and calls on all mothers to support each other instead of criticizing.
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