‘An enchanting message from the little one in my belly’

Image: Valerie Visschedijk

Eline is married to Bas, star mom of Louie * and is now 32 weeks pregnant with the second. In this column she talks about her pregnancy after loss and everything that comes with it. This time about special messages.

It’s early in the morning. After a relaxed meditation, my eye falls on a song that is given as a suggestion. Lullabie Leaves, is called. I click it. My bedroom fills with quiet piano music interspersed with a kind of shimmering, high notes. Enchanting, it is. Goosebumps appear on my arms and tears well up in my eyes. I don’t know what’s happening, but the song touches me so deeply.

Intense happiness

I put my hand on my stomach. With every tear that rolls down my cheek, I feel the little one move under my hands. Like it wants to comfort me. I feel the love flowing through my whole body. It’s like my heart is about to explode. In all those months of pregnancy I have never felt so connected as now. I cry even louder. The tears just keep flowing. Not from sadness, but from intense happiness.

Perhaps the best part is that I now – while writing this column – realize that I had asked our little one to show itself before going to sleep last night, because I felt it move a little less. I could never have imagined that it would happen in such an enchanting way. It shows me again that you can communicate with your children. Even if they are not here yet… or not here anymore.

“With every tear that rolls down my cheek, I feel the little one move under my hands.”

Always close by

I sometimes ask Louie the question if I miss him. And then I drive to the supermarket and suddenly there is a car in front of me with the license plate LR, his initials. Or do I pull a number at the pharmacy with the numbers 29-9, his date of birth. Some believe it’s a coincidence, but to me it’s a sign that Louie is always close by and the contact between us is never lost.

Louie will never meet the little one in my tummy and the little one in my tummy will never be able to look into Louie’s beautiful shining eyes. But deep down I feel that those two know each other and have been in contact with each other for a long time. I just hope that in the future they can communicate with each other in as beautiful a way as they do with me now.

Since the death of her son, Eline also runs a magazine for parents of deceased children. Knowing more? Visit www.nelmagazine.nl

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