‘Am I giving my child enough sincere attention?’
Ellen is a counselor in secondary special education, a thriller author at publisher De Fontein, mother of Lewis and Miles (11 and 8) from a previous relationship and gave birth to daughter Sophia with her boyfriend Nils in November.
Miles got a new bed. A doubter, he can do with that for a while. He had one of those loft beds with a desk underneath. Very nice – in theory – but in practice I found it a less useful thing. Go change a bed like that. But the least fun part was that I couldn’t see the child at all after he lay down.
I have a habit of checking on my children in the evening to see if they are lying down properly and if they are still breathing and so on. I like to go through their hair and give them a kiss. In addition, all three of my children are simply the sweetest when they are quiet and sleeping peacefully. When I look at them like that, I feel rich and blessed. So Miles’ new bed made sure that I could give him a kiss again yesterday. That I could sit next to him and look at his sweet, sleeping face.
Sincere attention
Such a moment in the evening sometimes also makes me think about things. I ask myself: have I given you enough sincere attention today? Of course Sophia needs a lot of care and attention anyway, but sincere attention is something else. It’s about playing, reading a book, dancing together, really connecting. Simply, the fun things that make the child happy in addition to all the other contact in a day (and it also makes me happy).
Lewis needs a completely different attention. He likes to talk to me about football, but also about friends and school and sometimes he needs help with something he wants to do in his room. Miles likes to help me cook and sometimes struggles with the social context. We always ask him how things were with friends. Did he play well? What did he do during the break? These are questions that are important, but it is especially the sincere attention that is important for a child. I don’t want that to be lost in the hustle and bustle of the day. With three children in the house there is always something to do and the household also continues. Still, I want to make time for it.
“I don’t want that to be lost in the hustle and bustle of the day”
Busy busy busy
Every parent is busy, so are we. I work in secondary special education, write three or four books a year and write columns and stories for Kek Mama, but above all I am a mother of three children. They are my absolute priority and sometimes I need to recall myself on a hectic day. I always want way too much. I want everything in order in the house, the laundry doesn’t do itself and I have regular deadlines, but my children need my real attention. The boys have had to give up a bit with the arrival of Sophia, that’s just the way it is.
Great big brothers
On the other hand, the family structure has also changed with that, they are the most amazing big brothers and I really enjoy the interaction between the three. But I did start to start a little conversation at bedtime, even if we spent all day together and I’m sure there was enough attention. Then I ask the boys: Did I give you enough attention today? Were you able to discuss everything with me? Is there anything else you would like to discuss, ask, or listen to? So far nothing comes up with both, but I want to make them feel like I’m always there for them, even though it’s been a busy day.
“There is so much to do and there are only 24 hours in a day”
As a parent you do your best. There is so much to do and there are only 24 hours in a day. I want to be able to look at my sleeping children and make sure I saw them in every possible way
that day, then I sleep better myself.
