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“A dad who orders fries is cool, a mom who orders fries is lazy”

There are many opinions about the differences between men and women and especially mothers and fathers at work. And yes, apparently I have those prejudices myself.

I’m in an online meeting and I see one of my colleagues – a man – sitting with his child on his lap. ‘Oh, how sweet’, I think quickly.

You suddenly see that colleague in a different light: what a committed and sweet dad he must be, busy with his toddler on Thursday morning. Then I myself sit with a waving and dancing toddler in an online meeting. I feel uncomfortable that my colleagues see me at work while my children are at home. I feel unprofessional.

We think we are very modern in the Netherlands in 2023, but when it comes to motherhood and fatherhood, there is still plenty of ground to gain. Fathers are not called by daycare or school when a child is sick. Mothers are expected to stay at home with a sick child or when the children have a study day or holiday. No one around us thinks it’s strange that my husband doesn’t have a dad’s day, but works full time. As a mother of three children, I have a managerial position as editor-in-chief of a multimillion-dollar platform. No one around us wonders how I combine that with the ‘regular mom days’. If I get fries for dinner, they call me lazy. When my husband gets fries, he’s cool and fun.

The view of working fathers and mothers must change. Fathers wanted children too, didn’t they? Can’t they – apart from breastfeeding – take care of their children just as well as mothers can? And they also have holidays or parental leave, right? Why, then, no matter how hard women work, does the care of a child still fall more on the mother than on the father? Why does a woman in the same position still earn less than a man? As far as I’m concerned, that’s the crux of the problem: as long as women earn less than men, that’s it logically that’s her job first is signed out or reduced if something is going on at home. Money is money, after all. If my husband and I were to earn exactly the same, I am sure that our children’s care would also be more equal. Because then it’s just: you go home on Tuesday one time, me the other time. Our jobs are then equally important to the lives we lead. Finished.

I will indeed look at that colleague who is at home with his child during working hours differently from now on – because I am learning from my own prejudices. I think he is a sweet and involved father, who takes care of his family and also takes up his responsibilities at home. But actually he is a very normal father.

Tessa Heinhuis (33) is the mother of twins, Bodi and Daaf, and pregnant with the third. She lives in ‘t Gooi with her husband Billy and their children and is editor-in-chief of Mama Magazine.


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