‘Sex? By the time the kids are quiet, I just want to sleep’

Elske (34), married to Kasper (37), daughter Kiki (3) and Liz (8 months).

“Fertility issues and treatments, plus having young children, has become the death knell for our active sex lives. For Kasper and I, intimacy is currently limited to snuggling in bed, walking down the street hand in hand and kissing on the couch. Kasper and I do miss the physical, but apparently not enough to make more time for it. Since Liz’s birth, we’ve only had sex twice; on our lunch break, when we were both working from home. At night we are simply too tired for sexual activity, then Netflix and a bag of chips or a good night’s sleep beckon.

Kasper and I have been together for fourteen years. We know each other from student life. Quite a wild time. From Thursday to Sunday we hung out in the pub, attended wrong theme parties and loved a drink. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other, had sex several times a day. Even when we moved in together, the level remained high. No longer daily, but more often a week and at the weekend we took extensive time for each other.

wish for children

We are very romantically married and wanted to have children soon. Enthusiastically, I threw away the pill; we’re going for it. The first months we had the greatest fun with compulsory sex and we sent each other teasing texts: ‘Tonight you have to work.’ But when I got pregnant and miscarried after four months, the intention of our lovemaking changed. Now that I had been presented with the sausage of a baby, I wanted to get pregnant again as soon as possible.

Three months later I miscarried again and from then on the purpose of sex was purely to get pregnant. Especially after the second time, my whole life was dominated by getting pregnant. I took a temperature, bought ovulation tests, and kept a calendar of my fertile days. Those were bad months where my app determined when the window of opportunity and we had to have sex, it had nothing to do with lust anymore.

Kasper also went for autopilot. Feel like it or not, we had to reproduce. Fortunately, he never refused or grumbled, his desire to have children was just as great as mine, although his obsession was a lot less. In the end I became really silly Henkie. Then I was calculating and scribbling: it is now two days before ovulation, then the ejaculation is strongest, so it has to be tonight. Or rather: not now, otherwise we waste good seed. Spontaneous lovemaking barely happened.

On command

Eventually we ended up in the medical mill and that was really disastrous for our sex life. Kasper had to deliver an ejaculation on command at the clinic – think of a dreary room with an old Playboy – and I would lay with my legs wide in the braces for half an hour. We also had to work at home to increase our chances. That became a very mechanical affair. Pleasure, love, relaxation: it no longer mattered. I felt like a brood hen. Luckily I got pregnant with a healthy daughter on the third IUI attempt.

During the pregnancy I would have preferred to sit quietly on a chair for nine months. I wanted to avoid all risks, for fear of losing the baby again. I also did sex with fresh reluctance, afraid that penetration would hit the womb. After the delivery, the total rupture took me months to recover and Kasper was not even allowed to look at my bottom, let alone that I tolerated fidgeting with my body. But once I was fully healed, our sex life really blossomed. We found each other again without the pressure of the ‘big must’. We felt young, giggling softly and enjoying each other, while little Kiki slept in the room next to us. Kasper and I are not exciting sexers at all, we don’t like crazy or complicated positions, we don’t have an arsenal of attributes or toys. It’s more house-and-kitchen sex than fat porn, but it’s nice and satisfying.

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revival

And just when we thought we’d go for a second, I got bang-boom pregnant. This time a completely different story. Nothing to sit on a chair for nine months: I had a toddler walking around whom I had to lift and with whom I dived into the ball pit. My libido was also a lot higher. I was calmer and more relaxed and in the mood for sex faster.

But alas, the revival was short-lived, after the birth of Liz it completely disappeared from the agenda. Not even because we don’t feel like it, we are simply broken. Our daughters are both very bad sleepers and take turns in the early evening: one or the other is roaring. By the time they’re both finally quiet, I just want to either sleep or stretch out on the couch. Sex is not a big priority then. We also devised a schedule in which Kasper and I both alternate ‘child services’. Then the other person can spend the night. Good for fatigue, but it doesn’t help with intimacy. And on the weekends we are lived by all the things we can’t save during the week because of our work and all the social obligations.

Tropic years

If you ask Kasper, he would like to increase the frequency. He is the one who still occasionally takes the initiative. But we don’t blame each other, we are well aware that these are tropical years. This is not forever, we often say. We are overjoyed that we were allowed to have two daughters and we will stick to this. Soon the girls will become older, more independent and easier and that keeps the spirits up. I’m not worried at all that we would grow apart. The love for each other and our children is too strong for that.”

Would you also like to be interviewed for this column? Then you get a ‘fun package’ from Easy-Toys, including naughty toys, massage candle, lubricant and sex dice. Mail to kekmama.nl@dpgmediamagazines.nl.