‘If we had paid one bailiff, the next would have arrived’

Larissa (44), mother of Emma (12) and Jack (18): “It turned out that my ex-boyfriend was already in debt when we met. I was madly in love and thought: it will be okay. But the years passed and it didn’t turn out well. He had started his own installation technology company at a young age, but he could not handle money. Where 300 euros came in, double that went out.

Debts mounted. But it was mainly the collection costs that made it feel like we were carrying water to the sea. If we had just paid one bailiff, the next one would already be at the door. It was deeply humiliating when a guy like that walked through our house to see what he could seize. It stayed that way when our son arrived – I was there crying with a baby on my arm, because it was that time again.

But leave him? No, I didn’t consider that for a moment. I was crazy about him, wanted to be a family together. I mainly thought: you arrange it with the paperwork, then I arrange it with our child. I also thought it was sad that it was ‘inflicted’ on him and kept hopeful that we would get out.

Placard on the door

Meanwhile, I worked every hour I could in a hotel. Sometimes I would be in bed at three in the morning and our son would wake up at seven. I still don’t know how I managed to do that. The nadir of all this misery was when we were so deeply in debt—around $60,000—that our household effects would be sold through a public foreclosure sale. Our rented house was in my name, it could not be seized. Just like our bed, they weren’t allowed to touch it either.

There was a placard on our door and on that day everyone could come and buy everything. Man, how embarrassing. A friend’s father rescued us and paid the outstanding amount just before the door of our house opened. Still, it was traumatic, I kept checking my front door for years to see if there wasn’t another placard like that. I was under so much stress at the time that my hair fell out, my weight fluctuated and I didn’t sleep for an hour. It cannot be otherwise than that my son noticed that in me too. Of course that was the last thing I wanted.

debt restructuring

However, there was a bright spot. One of the bailiffs saw how at one point I really didn’t know what to do with a three-year-old child. “Have you ever considered debt restructuring?” she asked. That’s what we chose then. My ex had to quit his business and find a permanent job. It was not easy, because we had to get by on 175 euros a month. Still, I felt relieved. We didn’t have much, but at least it was clear and we could build our debt-free future.

During that time we also had our daughter. Despite all the debt, I knew it was now or never for me – because of medical problems. My desire to have children was still great, so even if it wasn’t ideal, she was very welcome. We got help from people around us, who stopped us now and then. For example, my mother sometimes deposited extra money during the holidays. Or she bought me a few bottles of laundry detergent. And at the hotel I was regularly tipped, those were the little extras that helped a bit.

I had the confidence that we were really on the right track. Sometimes my ex suggested we go out to dinner together. I then had the feeling that he took the situation all less seriously – we often had words about it. So I refrained from eating outside. I don’t feel comfortable knowing that there are still unpaid bills. Afterwards he reproached me that I never wanted to do anything nice with him.

Past

Unfortunately, things didn’t end well between him and me. We just thought too differently about money matters. I liked that we got out of debt and built something together. But my ex thought otherwise. For example, if it was a friend’s birthday, he wanted to give as much money as the others. I then suggested making a photo book, for example, but he didn’t like that. He thought the outside world was important, never wanted to be inferior to others.

That permanent job also displeased him. It gave us peace, regularity and financial security, but it started to itch for him – he wanted to start his own business again. He put the company car and the business mobile that he needed for this in my name because he had a BKR registration himself. So I was still with that later. That was the moment when I thought: no, I don’t want this. We’re going in the wrong direction again. I decided to leave him, no matter how difficult it is when you have two children together. I didn’t want that stress anymore.

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very proud

It was a good decision, because I have much more rest. My kids notice that too. They have a happier mother who has energy to do things with them. I have never felt guilty to them for not making this decision sooner. Maybe to myself. But most of all I try to be happy that I finally did it.

Yes, I’m alone and that’s not always fun. But I don’t have to turn every dime five times anymore – luckily we weren’t married, so my ex’s debt wasn’t in my name. That certainly won’t happen to me again. I now work in a greengrocery store and earn 920 euros net per month. In addition, as a single mother, I am entitled to a number of allowances. It’s not a fat pot, but I can manage well and I am not dependent on anyone.

I divided my money into jars. For the maintenance of my car, for example, or to do fun things with friends. My children get a clothing allowance when the child benefit comes. I also have a jar for contingencies. Recently my washing machine broke down. I would normally get a lot of stress from that. Not now, I had put money aside and could buy a new one for 700 euros. A little sad maybe on your 44th, but I felt super proud.

Priceless

Of course I would love to fly with my children one day, but they know that this is not possible for the time being. Last summer we were able to go to an awesome campsite in the Netherlands together. A real hippie camp, where children can play and where meditation and yoga are organized for the parents. They loved it. They are not used to luxury holidays, so they will not be so quick to ask for that. Watching the sunrise together is priceless for us.”

This article is in Kek Mama 02-2021.

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