‘After my son died, I quit my job to take care of my family full-time’

Janneke (38), married to Arthur, mother of Emilie (7) and sons Skip (5) and Daan (2).

“Being at a performance at school or going on a school trip: that’s important to me as a mother. In 2014 we lost half of twins. Our son was born at 31 weeks and got an infection, he was only two months old. With our other son we also had to go in and out of the hospital. At the same time, we moved and my husband started a new job. In short: we were in survival mode. It was so much that I decided to temporarily stop my work as an absenteeism supervisor.

When things calmed down a bit, I went back to work, happy that I could do something else than just worry and be strong. I just couldn’t find the satisfaction in my work again after we hit the bottom as a family. When I became pregnant again with the third two years later and I started bleeding during the pregnancy, I resolutely stopped working and never went back to work. I couldn’t take it anymore, it didn’t really feel important anymore. Our family had been through enough, we needed rest. I couldn’t stomach the idea that I was going to work myself and taking my children to daycare. I didn’t become a mother to take my children away, but to spend as much time as possible with them.

full time mom

My mother used to be home too, but I never saw that as an example – becoming a stay-at-home mom was never my plan. I wasn’t super ambitious either, but I did complete an education and went to work. However, I am now a full-time mother. Although I prefer to call it family manager – with a big smile, but it covers the load better for me. My family is above all else, above all work. That insight became so clear to me when we lost our son. I want to share the happiness with my family. Do not always take the children from one babysitter to another or continue working during holidays while they have to go to after-school care. Time together, that counts. Nothing else. My husband thinks exactly the same. My children don’t realize yet how valuable it is that I am always at home and that there are other mothers who do have to work, but they are very happy that I often help out or go to school or go to Lambs Day.

puzzle

Of course, the choice to stay at home has a financial consequence. The 1600 euros net per month that I earned with my work at the time was gone. Since then we have had to make do with the 2900 euros net that my husband earns as a health and safety adviser.

In the schoolyard the other mothers sometimes say: ‘It should be possible to stop working, of course.’ That’s bullshit. It is not a question of being able to, but of really wanting to. You have to be willing to always be creative with money, to puzzle. I do it because I absolutely want to be at home. But sometimes all that calculation just overwhelms me. To give an example: we have fourteen different bank accounts. We think it’s wise to really put money aside so that you don’t use it up. We have an account for each expense item. From swimming lessons for our son to the mortgage, from gifts to holidays, and so on.

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Different jars

For example, 900 euros per month goes to the mortgage and 500 euros to the groceries. I don’t think that’s much and always try to go for the offers when I go shopping. I buy laundry detergent when it’s on sale, or one of those discount packs with ‘deformed’ vegetables; healthy food is at the top of my list for me. Somehow I can see the sport of it.

Money also goes into my own tennis pot. Although I would love to have tennis lessons, I save 200 euros by renting a court with some friends. I know the ‘third half’ in the clubhouse is going fast in terms of money. So I put money aside for that in advance. Not participating is not an option for me.

The child benefit goes to the account for the clothes for the children as standard. That’s 600 euros. I spend most of my money on shoes and jackets – children’s feet are growing and need good shoes. Also, I want them to have a weatherproof jacket. If I can, I’ll buy it on sale. For the rest I get a lot of clothes from other mothers and I also pass on worn clothes. For our daughter there is a bill for gymnastics; she is in the selection and I would like to make that possible. So it is always a matter of deliberation to get out financially.

We do make concessions on holidays. We used to go far away, snorkeling in Malaysia for example. I would love to go to Curaçao with the children now, but that is not possible for the time being. Last summer it became a campsite in the Netherlands. And honest? The kids loved it and were just busy with other kids. We could read a book in front of the caravan and drink a glass of wine. Actually, there was nothing wrong with it. We hardly ate out. We went to the chip shop once, but mainly ate camping food such as pasta and frankfurters, heated on butane gas. I could see the charm of it and the children loved it.

New job

As much as I enjoy being with my family, I don’t think I’ll always be home. I notice more and more that I need something in which I can develop myself. But if the children are not at home. I don’t have that feeling yet: at half past four I’m exhausted and the whole cooking-eating-bed ritual has yet to start. By the way, when I go back to work, I’ll be retrained – I’m ready for something else. A new job also has to meet quite a few requirements. It must fall within the school hours and I want to be able to be free during the school holidays.

When I hear that there are shortages in education, I sometimes think that maybe that would be something for me. I think it’s great to be able to teach children something – and that problem with those holidays is immediately covered. In the near future I want to investigate what my options are and whether it fits within the balance that I am looking for. Whatever it is, it has to be something that makes me happy. Because I no longer spend time on something I don’t really like.”

This article is in Kek Mama 07-2020.

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