Carina (42) cheats and her husband accepts that

“As a father I think he is great, but as a lover Sjoerd scores a lot less high on the rankings.” Carina (42), mother of twins Finn and Senna (10), is fourteen years old together with Sjoerd (42). “We’ve never had a smashing sex life, but since the kids were born, it’s less exciting than ever. Sex with Sjoerd means making love tenderly, while I long for all brakes and passionate situations. That is why I went looking outside our neat terraced house two years ago. ”

Expression of love

Carina now occasionally dates with her husband’s knowledge. “Sjoerd said he always knew I had a free spirit. It is not for nothing that I consciously do not wear a wedding ring. That’s why he wasn’t negative about my desire, but he was afraid of what people would think of it. And that he would lose me. ”

After many conversations, Carina was able to convince him that being able to make love to others was an ultimate expression of their love for each other. “You grant each other something that you cannot get at home. Instead of frustrated, we now both walk around happily. On average, we have sex with someone else once a week and we also have sex together once a week. That can very well co-exist. For a while I had a lover with whom I was madly in love, but it did not detract from my love for Sjoerd. ”

No details and discretion

They made good agreements: always safe and never secretly. “So no mysterious texts or excuses about overtime. As crazy as it may sound, we are against cheating because it is disrespectful. ” Because of Sjoerd’s feelings, Carina does not share details. “I really don’t tell you afterwards that I came three times in a row.” Discretion is also a strict condition. They are open to friends about their lifestyle, their parents and children do not need to know. ”

For Carina, her open relationship is the best alternative to cheating. She recommends sexually burnt-out couples. “In today’s society it is no longer self-evident that we work for the same boss for 40 years, why then for 40 years with one and the same partner?” According to her, it prevents divorces and keeps families together. Figures from the Central Bureau of Statistics (CBS) show that 110,000 people in the Netherlands end their relationship every year. It is estimated that infidelity is the primary reason in about 40 percent of cases.

I like two men

As an alternative to the old, trusted marriage, other relationship models are also possible. From simply giving each other more freedom to polyamory. A term that writer Ageeth Veenemans first introduced ten years ago and means that you can love several people at the same time. She wrote a bestseller about it: I Love Two Men – Polyamory, Love Without Limits. She is also the initiator of the dating site PolyAmorieMatch.nl. How many people have multiple loves next to each other is unknown, but the number of google hits for the search term polyamory rose after the book’s appearance on the Dutch pages from 953 in 2005 to 83,100 in 2015.

Swinging also seems to be growing in popularity since the taboo on this was broken by the TV series New neighbors. When swinging, couples decide to have sex together with others. There are no precise figures, but it is estimated that some 15,000 couples in our country swing regularly. At home or in clubs. In the Netherlands there are about twenty official swingers clubs where you can eat, dance and dive into the sauna, but also have open sex with each other and others.

Besides these clubs, erotic nightlife is on the rise. Almost every week an erotic party is organized somewhere with names such as Prikkelgeil, Bitch and Eyes Wide Shut. Just take a look at partyflock.nl. The dress code is usually sexy or naughty with style. Flirting and challenging is a must, but really swinging is usually not the intention, although there are also parties with special rooms where people can actually take action.

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Long-cherished fantasy

Last year, Peter (39), Liesbeth’s (41) boyfriend, suggested a visit to a swingers club. Even though they had only been together for two years, the sheu was gone. The last time sex went back weeks. Peter wanted to put a long-cherished fantasy into practice: how thrilling would it be to be watched when they were making love together? Liesbeth seemed like that too, but she also thought it was a bit scary. What kind of people would be in such clubs? In the end, her curiosity won. On the first visit she was pleasantly surprised. “The audience is no different than on Saturday at any Albert Heijn: handsome, ugly, fat, thin and on average between 25 and 50 years old.”

Liesbeth and Peter have a daughter of two together, Peter also has two sons from a previous relationship. “As a mother I am always on,” admits Liesbeth. “We just don’t call each other mom and dad, but moments without children are scarce. From that mother role I find it complicated to switch to eroticism. I need a lot of incentive to get in the mood and keep my mind on it: porn, role playing, dirty talk. ”

After weeks of fun in bed

To keep their sex life sparkling, they now visit a swingers club once every three months. “My parents look after our daughter under the guise of a day at the sauna. Not completely lied; there is also a sauna at the club, just a bit different. ” The couple has gone a step further each time. From watching and dancing, to making love together and being watched, to sex with other people. “We are soft swappers: we only play foreplay with others. Oral sex is not an issue, but we only have real sexual intercourse with each other. Sometimes we ask for a woman, sometimes another couple. ”

Liesbeth does not know whether they will ever continue. “It is always a border that you cross and you have to trust each other one hundred percent. After each visit, we analyze the evening. How did we like it? Were we getting enough attention from each other? Has something happened that we didn’t like? As soon as jealousy occurs, we drop out and go back to the beginning: just look and be watched. That in itself is super exciting. ” Liesbeth finds their sex life very refreshed since they visit swingers clubs. “From a paltry once every three weeks, we now do it once a week. The experiences we gain in the clubs and the images of other people making love guarantee us to have fun in our own bed for weeks to come. ”

Cheating with permission

Jealousy was the biggest bummer in Irene and Renzo’s attempt to give each other more freedom. “Man, I didn’t know I could be so jealous”, sighs Irene (38), married to Renzo (42) and mother of daughters Isis (11) and Bo (8). “After twelve years of marriage, we no longer dangled in the lamps. I knew exactly what happened when I kissed or caressed Renzo here. It was all predictable and sometimes we didn’t do it for months. Around us we saw friends split up, swallowed up by the grind of daily life, work and running the BV Gezin. ” After some good talks, Renzo and Irene agreed. They would not step into the rut and allow each other a break between the sheets every now and then. Cheating with permission, honestly and discreetly.

Intrigued by the advertising for adultery sites, they dived together behind the computer to each create their own account. Irene posted a vacation photo in a bikini that had taken her head off. That turned out to be a complete success. “The first evening I already had 47 responses. The next day my mailbox filled up. ”

A hundred hysterical texts

Irene went on dates twice. The first time it was just a white wine and three kisses on the cheek (“What a creep!”). On the second night she did kiss the gentleman in question, but her conscience played up. “It felt like I was cheating on Renzo.” For her, the experiment might not have been successful, but Renzo could also give it a try. That went wrong. “Renzo had barely been out for half an hour when I went mad. I started hyperventilating. I think I sent him a hundred hysterical texts in a minute. Then I called him whining that he had to come Home Now. Very embarrassing of course, but I couldn’t handle it. ”

Fortunately for their relationship, Renzo was on the doorstep within ten minutes. He didn’t blame Irene. “You first have to experience it yourself to know if you can handle it.” Their profiles were deleted the same evening. Still, she has no regrets afterwards. “This adventure has given our sex life a huge boost. The thought that another woman lusted after my husband gave me a kind of pack instinct. I had to protect my husband and my family. Since then we have been doing it at least three times a week. ”

Carina and Sjoerd still manage to keep jealousy at bay after two years. Although the roles have now been reversed. Carina does not have a lover at the moment, Sjoerd has had a steady girlfriend for a few months. Just swallow, but that is the risk of the trade. Carina still has no regrets. “It is a choice not to see the other as your property. Sjoerd and I are soul mates and that will not change. We match perfectly as parents and are forever connected by our sons, but sexually this woman is much better suited to Sjoerd than I am. Who am I to grudge him that. “

This article has previously appeared in Kek Mama.

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