‘We are forced to let it go, because the children can’t stand each other’
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Janice (42) is forced to have a late marriage with her great love Christiaan (45). Together they have sons Matthijs (11) and Oskar (10).
“’Well, two sons close together, that’s going to be a busy thing’, the midwife laughed when I again turned out to be pregnant with a boy. Christiaan and I had a hearty laugh. We’d been together since I was sixteen. We were overjoyed, with two healthy boys ahead. The crown on our love.
Not a day of rest
It turned out differently. Because from day one, Matthijs, then fourteen months, couldn’t stand his younger brother. I didn’t take it too hard. Matthijs was still a baby himself, he didn’t know what he was doing when he hammered Oskar’s head with a Duplo block. Or later, when he was almost three, threw a tantrum on top of his little brother in his crib and nearly choked him if I hadn’t walked in.
Whether Oskar’s aggressive behavior was a counter-reaction, even when he started a brawl with his brother himself, we’ll never know. Pedagogues have been biting the relationship between my children for years. But the fact is that from the moment Oskar at the age of four was strong enough to – literally – hit back, our house was never quiet again.
A call from Youth Care
Toys. Food. boyfriends. The TV. Everything was cause for a fight. Christaan worked full-time, I worked three days a week. And soon I was devastated by the days alone with the children. Never have I seen them lovingly play together or see one kiss or hug the other. No matter how much Christiaan and I tried to bring them closer, they did not allow each other the light in each other’s eyes.
“No matter how much we tried to bring them closer, they didn’t give each other the light in their eyes”
One day, when they were eight and nine, a fight between Matthijs and Oskar got so out of hand that they both ended up in the emergency room. Oskar had a broken wrist, Matthijs had eleven stitches in his lip. “Hey guys,” I smiled nervously at the doctor. Two days later I received a call from a youth care support team. Or maybe our family could use some help.
Also read: Suddenly not the youngest child anymore: ‘Mama, when will that baby go away again?’ †
Apart
Chris and I shower our boys with love. We are crazy about them both, and each other. We never argue. For a year and a half we were turned inside out by all possible authorities, psychologists and remedial educationalists. Psychiatrists even, to rule out diagnoses. Until one educator concluded: ‘Some people just don’t tolerate each other.’ We could choose to plod through until they were eighteen, she said. But had we – far-fetched, but who knows – ever thought of separating them?
“After 25 years, we still didn’t want to miss each other a day, but this couldn’t go on any longer”
Chris and I spent evenings discussing it. After 25 years, we still didn’t want to miss each other a day, but it couldn’t go on like this. If we would give it a try now, we decided, one year of slats. Chris would move into an apartment with Matthijs, Oskar would stay with me in our house, and then the weekends together. Kolder, but we didn’t have a better solution.
Practice year
The training year is now over and the peace and quiet is indescribable. Chris and I miss each other terribly, but the boys are thriving. They do well at school, have many nice friends, and help at home. One holiday I take Matthijs and Chris Oskar in tow, to keep in touch with both children. Although it is anything but optimal for Chris and me, this seems to be the most suitable family form for us. And who knows how things will change when the kids are older. Maybe they spontaneously visit each other. I don’t hope, but how happy it would make us.”
This article can be found in Kek Mama 04-2022.
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