‘There I stood. With a baby on my arm’

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Imke (40), mother of Yannick (9):

“There I stood. Landed at Schiphol after a flight of more than ten hours from Ecuador. With a baby on my arm, all my life in three suitcases and less than 2000 euros in my bank account. But above all: single mother, without her own place to live, without a concrete plan for the future.

Ecuador

I always wanted to learn another language and do volunteer work abroad before I really ‘settled’ in the Netherlands. That’s how I ended up in Ecuador. After a while I was so captivated by the country, the culture and the people that I decided to go back for a longer period of time; initially for one year. With two suitcases full I left for the other side of the world.

“With two suitcases full, I left for the other side of the world”

In the Netherlands I often had the idea that I had to compete against what the outside world expected of me, in Ecuador I didn’t have to try as hard. With my blond hair and green eyes I had a lot of claims and I quickly built up a social life. I immersed myself in the language, culture and salsa and worked at a travel agency. In my spare time I went out a lot.

During a night out I met Enrique. He was gallant, ‘model handsome’ and a lot taller than other South Americans; he had a job as a professional basketball player. I got the impression that he had his act together and I felt special that he fell for me. I took it for granted that he had two children from different relationships with whom he had little further contact.

Live together

Enrique and I initially had a great time together. When an injury put him out of work for a while, I didn’t mind him moving in with me. We were always together anyway and I found the lugging of stuff inconvenient. My friends liked him and saw that we clicked very well.

However, some wondered whether it wasn’t all happening too quickly. In fact, things went so well between us that I stopped taking the pill after six months. We both had a child’s wish and we would see where the ship stranded. Within two months I was pregnant.

Turning point

Looking back, my pregnancy seems like the tipping point where Enrique started behaving differently. He was not involved at all. We wanted another house because my apartment would be too small with a baby. I quickly found a suitable home. During the move he failed completely and let me – with a pregnant belly – move the whole thing together with a few movers.

“During the move he failed completely”

At that time he had a contract with a club in a city three hours by bus from Quito, the capital of Ecuador where we lived. He spent most of the week there. He only worked two days a week, I was the breadwinner. He also left the arranging and furnishing of the nursery completely to me. I knew it, but I wanted to create the nicest place for our son, so I just swallowed it.

Lousy

Unfortunately, his behavior during pregnancy turned out to be a preview of how he turned out when Yannick was born. He was totally disinterested in both me and our son. Two days after the C-section I was discharged from the hospital. I came home hungry, but he hadn’t bought anything and was too miserable to walk to the supermarket that was under our apartment.

“My first Mother’s Day he took me to get an ice cream that I had to pay for myself”

Months later, when I had to go away for the weekend for work, Enrique called his mother to babysit Yannick and went out with friends himself. My first Mother’s Day, after I insisted for a long time to do something fun, he took me to McDonald’s to get an ice cream that I had to pay for myself.

Also read – ‘Sometimes it seems like my boyfriend is dating his mom instead of me’ >

Back to the Netherlands

When Yannick was three months old, I flew with him to the Netherlands to show him to my family and friends. Enrique had given me his password to his email because I needed to look something up. Then I saw emails I never wanted to see. Heartfelt declarations of love to another woman. He cheated. I decided not to tell my parents about it, but I went back to Ecuador with the plan to arrange everything as soon as possible to be able to go back to the Netherlands.

Enrique and I had already discussed that we eventually wanted to live in the Netherlands with our son, now I decided to continue that plan on my own. Enrique seemed to be fine with it all, he didn’t care much what I threw at him. Only I needed his signature to fly with Yannick. He made me wait three months for that; the longest three months of my life. I was devastated with sadness and disappointment, I wanted to leave, but couldn’t go anywhere.

During the day I strolled through the city a bit or hung out at the salsa school where I knew the owner. I brought Yannick to the nursery as much as possible so that he would get as little of it as possible. One day I stood at the window of my apartment with him on my arm: if I jump, I will be rid of all misery. But at the same time I felt that warm little body against me and I realized that I had too much to live for. After three months, Enrique finally signed the necessary papers and I didn’t know how fast I had to get away.

Red flags

There I was at Schiphol. My parents came to pick me up and have continued to support me, despite the choices I made. Because yes, I am aware that with Enrique I ignored all the red flags. I was a pleaser, that’s largely in my character; I wanted to please people and avoided confrontations. I conveniently forgot that I was going through it myself.

“I easily forgot that I was going under it myself”

I lived with my parents for a year. They really liked having their grandson and me so close by. I found a job and was able to buy a house. I rushed on and on, ignoring my emotions, sadness and frustrations. It wasn’t until three or four years later that I noticed it was gnawing at me. I started following a coaching program ‘From head to heart’ to deal with my emotions. That helped me a lot.

A real daddy

When Yannick was two he started asking about his father. I explained to him that he does have a father and we were still looking for a ‘real daddy’. Now they have sporadic contact.

I now have a new boyfriend, almost five years. That’s going very well. He has two blonde daughters. When we are on holiday together, Yannick stands out because he is a half-blood. I once heard people say: ‘Look at that family walking with the adopted child.’ I don’t mind that myself, because I might think so too. But for Yannick I find it difficult that he is ‘different’. I try to approach it positively and say: ‘Isn’t it really cool if you were born in Ecuador and the rest of the class just lived in the Netherlands?’ Then he nods confidently.”

Imke has written a book: Ontpopt. Check www.imkeregelthet.nl.