‘The main base of our band is gone’

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Of course, they have always been different, but since they are both mothers, the friends Eva and Rianne have grown quite apart.

Eva (31), mother of two children (5 and 1):

“Recently I came across pictures on my phone from our weekend in Valencia. Three days of just chatting, eating, drinking and sniffing culture. It was delicious. And that was just one of the trips Rianne and I made together: from Cape Town to Maastricht, we saw so many beautiful places together. And that, we promised each other, would of course not change if we had children. We might go less often, but as a mother it would be nice to take a break every now and then.

A weekend away

I was the first to get pregnant, Rianne followed a year later. When my daughter was two and her son one, I suggested planning a weekend away. My son was not a good sleeper and I was just looking forward to sleeping undisturbed for three nights. In addition, I felt like long conversations on a terrace, because I saw Rianne much less because of our children and spoke less extensively.

Ryan looked really shocked. “What about the children?” she asked. I laughed and said that our children have fathers. But I think Rianne really thought I had gone mad. “Maybe next year,” she muttered, and that was it.

Comfort zone

Rianne and I have been friends since high school, when we sat next to each other. We are different, but in such a way that we complement each other. She is sweeter and calmer than I am, more thoughtful too. I learn from that. Conversely, she likes to be taken out of her comfort zone by me every now and then. At least, that’s what she always thought. Until she became a mother.

Rianne is at home with her children – she now has two – while I work three days a week myself. My children are then at the daycare, hers are always with her. Her two girls are sweethearts, just like Rianne calm and sensitive. They are very attached to her. The oldest is four and has been sleeping in her own bed for six months, the youngest is two and is far from that. I moved my own children to their own room after three months, quite resolutely too. Don’t get me wrong, one isn’t better than the other. But it’s different. Like Rianne and I are different.

“When we meet, I notice that she becomes restless and would prefer to go home”

In the four years that Rianne has been a mother, she has not been away from her children for one night. She and her husband never go out together for a night, not even an evening. Once every few months Rianne and I go out for sushi and her husband always calls three or four times because one of the children wants to see her. I notice from Rianne that she becomes restless and would prefer to go home immediately. Sometimes she does too, I sometimes drank the coffee on my own because she had already left. Frankly, that annoys me. If you have a newborn baby, I understand that it is difficult for you to leave home. But if your kids are four and two…

Also read – ‘On holiday with a friend I became a bit happier about myself’ >

Stick to old lifestyle

Conversely, Rianne clearly thinks I cling too much to our old lifestyle. She’s also said that sometimes: that motherhood has changed her priorities, while apparently that’s not the case with me. I know she doesn’t like me going away from home for three nights and leaving my kids with my husband or in-laws. In that respect, Rianne and I just don’t understand each other.

“I know she doesn’t like me going away from home for three nights”

The problem is, I realize now that our friendship has changed so much, that the weekends were actually the main foundation of our band. That’s why I always had a good time talking with Rianne and we discussed things that we never discussed with others: because we had plenty of time for each other during such trips. Now that that’s gone, I’m not sure how to shape our friendship. We also sometimes go out with our children, but that is different, then you have very little time for each other.

Frankly, I sometimes doubt that the friendship will survive this phase. I’d be really sad if our bond were lost, but it’s hard to be friends with someone who can be away from home for two hours at most. And actually two hours is a lot for her.”

This article appears in Kek Mama 08-2022.

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