‘The children would rather have this than that we get a divorce’

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Marijke is married to Vincent and has two children aged 13 and 15. She and Vincent have an open relationship and a caravan where they regularly retreat when one of them needs to be alone.

“As much as I love Vincent, two years after I met him I got jitters. It happened a few times that I came home after a night and he knew what had happened, but said nothing about it. We had children and for a long time I focused entirely on my family and career. The first ten years of motherhood is surviving, I had no time or inclination for anything, let alone looking at other men.

When the children were around ten years old, I had more free time. I started exercising, felt more attractive again and discovered Tinder and Feeld. A world opened up for me. I had a date about once a month. That someone looks you in the eye and says: ‘Marijke, I think you’re great.’ Someone who is completely absorbed in you, wow! I went all in for that, I didn’t want to deny myself that excitement. I talked it out for myself, even though I felt very guilty about it at the same time.

Open relationship

Two years ago the bomb burst. Vincent said, “We’re not going to do this again, you’re hurting me.” We both decided to bring in a coach to talk to. That was very nice. I also read everything I could find about open relationships and polyamory. The theory of the well-known sexologist Esther Perel was an eye opener for me: your partner cannot be your best friend and father of your children and the love of your life, safe and sexy at the same time.

“Your partner cannot be your best friend and father of your children and the love of your life, safe and sexy at the same time”

Vincent suggested that he also start dating for a year, see if that was something for him. He wanted to straighten out what I had done, now it was his turn to find out. What happened: He fell in love with someone else. He didn’t like casual flings, but he had met a woman who liked bee. He sometimes says now that if he hadn’t gotten to know her, things might have turned out very differently between us.

Vincent has been in a relationship with her for two years now and sees her a few days a month. I’ve been dating someone for three months now. That was something for me, because I absolutely want to stay with Vincent. I never fell in love, I made sure of that. But with this boy it was: why do I keep imposing those rules on myself?

Read also – Marjolijn (43) has an open tantric relationship: ‘A lovemaking lasts about three hours with us’ >

A moment alone

When I’m gone, the kids are sometimes home alone for a night. They love that. They know, like family and friends, that their parents have an open relationship. We’ve had several conversations about it. They’d rather have this than their parents get divorced, and they also know I’m a better mom when I have time to myself. That is why we have had a caravan on the campsite for eight years now. Sometimes Vincent goes there, sometimes I do, when I just want to take care of myself. Then I go swimming, meditate, light a candle. It is such a wonderfully peaceful place.

Be honest

I’m glad everyone knows what’s going on. I hated that sneaky. I still sometimes feel guilty, but I’m also happy that I can show my kids that there’s not just one kind of relationship possible, no matter how complicated it sometimes is.

“The world has changed, we have changed. Your relationship changes and each phase has a different solution.”

I think that’s a great message to pass on to future generations: the world has changed, we have changed. Your relationship changes and each phase has a different solution. Being honest with your own feelings and those of your partner, daring to feel what you feel, talking honestly about it together: it is sometimes very difficult, but in the end it does lead to a better situation for everyone.”

This article appears in Kek Mama 11-2022.

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