the basis of a good upbringing?

It really shouldn’t, and it should. According to many, consistent upbringing is the basis for a good upbringing. As long as you stick to the set rules and standards, that should be the recipe for a good upbringing. But how well does a consistent upbringing seem to work?

Why do we think consistency is important?

That your child later does everything that is not allowed is one of the biggest fears that parents have. By raising consistently, it is often thought that your children will end up well. Yet a good upbringing is not all about consistency, because is every situation the same? No, so it is also difficult to apply the same rules in every situation.

To be consequent

Every day is different and every conflict is different. It is then difficult to always hold on to what you want to make clear to your child. Especially if your child has good counter arguments that make you question your rules. “About bedtimes, for example. Does your child come up with something she heard at school, or did he or she see in a movie that a later bedtime is normal for his age, and you think ‘there’s actually something in that’? Then you can discuss this to see if you can change the rule,” says Mariëlle Beckers, remedial educationalist.

Deviating from being consistent

Of course, the basis for parenting is that rules and agreements provide clarity and predictability for a child, children need that. Enforcing the rules therefore remains the starting point. It is also useful for yourself to have a lot of rules for your child, because otherwise there would be hundreds of situations every day where you have to intervene and adjust. “But you have to know that the rules can be followed. And it is not the intention that there is no room to sometimes deviate if the situation calls for it,” says developmental psychologist and parenting coach Karla Mooy.

Congruent instead of consistent

Act congruously instead of consistently. This means that you always act in accordance with your feeling and thinking and that can be inconsistent. Acting authentically as a human being, without being guided by fears and beliefs that are not based on anything.

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