‘Since I breastfeed, all my lust has disappeared’

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With Anne (26) and Mike (40), the passion has been hard to find since the arrival of the children (5, 3 and 7 months). And Anne knows what that is: breastfeeding.

“No lactation consultant or midwife has ever told me about it. Even the breastfeeding courses I took didn’t mention it at all. While I would have loved to know in advance that self-feeding can have a huge impact on your libido and can even reduce it to zero, like with me.

Good information really didn’t stop me from breastfeeding. I want to give our three children the best start in life and give them my own milk until the age of two. I don’t worry too much about it either, just know that this time will pass and it will all be fine. But a little bit of support from the experts would have been nice.

collapsed

My husband Mike and I have been together for eight years now. Before him I had had boyfriends, but he was the first serious one and the one I started experimenting with. We loved each other and sex. We did it practically every day and the excitement came almost automatically when he kissed me. Or just when I was cooking and he tapped my buttocks. We didn’t plan anything, it just happened. I wanted to be a young mother so I quickly threw away the pill.

We knew that pregnancy and small children would lower the frequency of our sex life, but not that it would collapse like that. We barely make love twice a month now, that’s all I can make of it. And nothing spontaneous, but: ‘Come on, the children are sleeping and we are not too tired ourselves, so hop, hop.’ Very clinical. We skip foreplay, because otherwise someone might wake up and the fun will be short-lived.

From the moment I got pregnant with the first vultures, the hormones through my body. But those are not exactly sex substances. With a big belly you are not the most sensual, but especially since I breastfeed all my lust has disappeared. I still need a lot of intimacy. I’d like to snuggle up to Mike on the couch or snuggle in bed, but that’s pure love. No horniness. I don’t get excited by his touches like I used to.

Stitched too tight

What also doesn’t help is that my first was a horror birth. I got a big cut and then I was stitched too tight. That kept us from having sex for eleven months, otherwise I would scream. It turned out that there was barely a little finger to fit in. A nice deception. According to my doctor, the internal sutures would dissolve on their own, then there would be more space. But that solution took months.

Cutting it open again was the only option, but that seemed like hell to me. It was already such a painful affair downstairs. You sometimes hear that after giving birth, men yell semi-jokingly to the gynecologist that he ‘should add a suture, because then it will be nice and tight again’, but you do not want to know how bad it is if you are really too tight .

Also read: Years of complaints due to stitches after childbirth: ‘Women don’t dare to talk about it’

Try carefully

It was a very rough time. When Mike touched me, I flinched. Fortunately we were able to talk about it well, he was understanding. Lots of cuddling helped, oral pleasure was helpful and we kept trying carefully. Especially because we wanted a second child and therefore had to make love again. But once pregnant, I panicked at the thought of having to squeeze a baby’s head through such a narrow opening or have the scissors re-inserted.

I searched the internet with the question ‘how do I prevent a haircut’ and found the golden tip: a special balloon with which you could stretch everything downstairs; the Aniball or Epi-no. Cost about sixty euros. Hallelujah! From week 37 I started stretching and stretching with it, adding a pump every day – and that worked. In the end I came out of the fight from number two and three completely unscathed. And better than ever. I give it to everyone. No one would run a marathon without preparation, right?

Natural boundary

But even though I am now completely pain free, the wild passion has not returned. And that is due to breastfeeding. I get it; From prehistoric times, breastfeeding was already a kind of contraception. If mother was nursing, she could not get pregnant. But that natural limitation is not really good for your relationship and mood.

I think the worst thing is that there is such a taboo on it. Besides radio silence from all experts and midwives, I didn’t hear a friend complain about it either. About that it sometimes hurts, but not that you change from a sensual to a kind of asexual being. It wasn’t until I confessed on a Facebook page for breastfeeding women that I didn’t feel like having sex that they told me it was normal. The hormone prolactin, which is responsible for milk production, inhibits the sense. That confirmation alone brought so much relief. So I’m not crazy.

I also keep saying to Mike: it’s not that I don’t feel like you, all my feelings are just gone. I really enjoy watching porn, but it doesn’t make me hot or cold. Let alone wet. And I also find using lubricant so artificial. But the end is in sight. Our first stopped automatically at 15 months, the second I stopped after 17 months and now I want to breastfeed for up to two years. Then it’s really ready, because Mike has now been sterilized. It’s wonderful to get my body back after six years, including my libido, and to function as a full-fledged love partner again. We are already looking forward to our second puberty!”

This article was previously published in Kek Mama.

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