Patrick struggles with a sense of failure
Patrick van Rhijn (52) is a novelist and freelance TV editor. He lived all over the world and has five children. For his columns he draws on an endless source of recognizable and remarkable stories about fatherhood.
There’s a sleazy bugger running around my son’s neighborhood and there’s nothing I can do about it. We’re talking about eleven-year-olds here, so I’ll give the little guy a different name (Jeffrey*, ed.), leave it open whether he’s in his class, on his sports team or whether he lives in our neighborhood and this is how I guard his privacy, but what should I hold back.
Feeling of failure
First of all, my son really does pull pranks sometimes. But for a long time now I have sensed from my paternal water that Jeffrey structurally excludes my son and incites others against him. Throwing him out of the group while gaming with a group of friends, keeping him silent in company, not passing a single ball to him during football, whispering to others in front of him, those kinds of small but oh so clear things. And soon Sam, with whom Jazz often hangs out, is having a slumber party. Only, Jazz isn’t invited, ‘Because,’ said Sam when he sat at the table at our house, ‘I’d love to have you too, but then Jeffrey and others won’t come.’ Jazz nodded understandingly. But it cut through my soul. And what do you do as a parent? Exactly, nothing. Well, eating yourself up, because of the feeling of failure, because you see it, you hear it and you feel it and you can’t help it, because that’s not cool of course; your father who steps into the breach for you.
‘You can’t help it, because that’s not cool of course; your father who jumps into the breach for you’
To phone call
Until last weekend. I was watching a Netflix series on the couch with Jazz, some candy and chips, cozy, when his cell phone rang.
“Hey,” Jazz said kindly.
A moment later he put down his phone without another word.
I looked to the side questioningly.
My son shrugged. ‘That was Jeffrey*. I think he thought I wanted to play with Sam* or something because he just said “So, and now I’m with Sam and you’re not, so fuck you!” And then he hung up.’
I fell silent for a moment. Then the lion in me woke up. “Wtf!” I said firmly to my cub. ‘Act normally! Shall I call him? Or his parents? Then it’s over.’
‘What do you think?’ my son answered firmly. ‘Of course not. What do you think? That’s just how we talk sometimes, Dad. Nothing wrong. And I’m not one to bring in his father.’
Read also: Patrick is disgusted by comments about the female body: “He says every week that he can no longer do it on her”
Do nothing against his will
A mix of pride and anger swept over me. That darling was sitting here taking it up for his tormentor. Again that feeling of failure as a father, as a protector. I took a good look at him. Was he crying inside or did he really let this slide so easily?
‘Really,’ I said, ‘I really want to call him now. I want to stop this.’ Visions in my head of how I addressed him and his parents in pointed terms.
“You’re not going to do that, Dad. That would just make things more annoying. Seriously, I’m never telling you anything again.’
It was spinning in my head. Never go beyond his will and betray him. If there’s one thing I couldn’t bear, it’s that my son thinks he couldn’t share anything more with me.
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘I would never do anything against your will, because I’m always on your team. I just find it so mean. But I think it’s very strong how you deal with it.’
Jazz put his hand on my arm and smiled at me. “It’s okay, Dad, he doesn’t know any better, don’t worry.”
“If there’s one thing I couldn’t put up with, it’s that my son thinks he couldn’t share anything with me anymore.”
Feeling of pity
I put my arm around my boy and told him how proud I am of him. And in a strange way, I felt sorry for Jeffrey. Obviously that boy has issues with his self-image, why else would he try to feel better about someone else’s back? Just like all those other silent and not so silent bullies in our country. I wish them the strength, the self-love and the sense of perspective with which Jazz coped with this. How would you have solved something like this for your child?
*Jeffrey and Sam’s names have been changed due to their age and privacy.
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