Patrick burst into anger at his child: is his guilt justified?

What a shitty feeling. I was so angry at one of my kids’ behavior that I smashed the chocolate bar in question against the wall in anger. I go out of my way for them and my limits are stretchable. Dad, can we have an ice cream? Sure. Dad, my white blouse is in the wash and I need it NOW. Can you immediately drop everything out of your hands?! Of course. Dad, it’s raining. Can you take me to school/basketball/theatre/my girlfriends/the hang out field/the supermarket/your grandmother? Can we have a dog and yes then we are really going to walk her ourselves… not. And I could go on like this for a while.

Gratitude

Of course I would do anything for them and I am the loving father I wish for them. I can’t help it. I don’t expect compliments for that and at the same time, yes at the same time, some gratitude from them would be nice. Because realizing that you are grateful is the key to feeling happy is my belief. Read it again and let it sink in: Realizing that you are grateful is the key to feeling happy. And delivering that lesson is pretty much the essence of everything I do on this planet; maximizing the chance that my children will be happy and grow into well-balanced young adults who celebrate life through ups and downs.

How is it possible that sometimes I get so carried away by my irritations and emotions that I can ‘completely freak out’ if they persistently don’t care (they are teenagers, I know) about everything I do for them?!

Parting

One of the kids had his farewell from primary school this week. To celebrate, the whole class went on a picnic in the park on the last morning. My crook had been fantasizing for days about the tasty things he would bring. He listed all his favorite things; frikandel bun, chocolate, donuts. So when I was in the supermarket the afternoon before the picnic I felt a wave of gratitude for such nice kids coming up and I bought all those things that my chick loves so much.

Once home, that turned out not to be good at all. He wanted to get it himself. So he angrily threw his butt against the crib. I scraped up my patience and tried to reach him. But no matter what I did he just got angrier and more unreasonable. And when it turned out that he had simply finished the can of drink without asking, and was about to break the chocolate bar – because he was going to get new ones anyway – a wave of anger welled up in me. I snatched the candy bar from the sofa and threw it against the wall insultingly. A shower of chocolate descended.

“I snatched the bar of chocolate from the sofa and slammed it against the wall with full force”

Not now

Our Labradoodle immediately showed up and that made my son even more stressed. From the day we got Luna, the mantra here has been ‘Watch out, dogs can die from chocolate!’ Another mantra I live by is ‘Never leave the house without making amends’ after an argument. But not now! To calm down I got in the car. And at that moment, or actually during the screaming itself, came that rotten feeling of guilt and worry. Have I damaged it now?

Again, I don’t need a medal, but I also want to be seen by those closest to me. And if that doesn’t happen, the child in me screams the loudest at those who are so close to me. Sweet and sour irony. Well Youth Services, come on in…

PS: I seem schizophrenic, one moment I can be angry and the next filled with love. Just after the eruption I received confirmation that my son and I are going to the Zwarte Cross. We have been doing this for years, a wonderful and even moving tradition. So when I texted him with Saturday we’re going to the Zwarte Cross, mister, kiss dad and I put (cock) behind it, I got not only smiley smileys but also kiss emoticons in return. Everything was fine again. Except for that gnawing feeling deep inside me.