My husband fell in love for the first time in his life. But on another man’

Vera: “I knew. He even started talking about a threesome with a man years before we had children. We had also messed around with a couple of friends. Pippin was the one who grabbed my girlfriend’s husband and tenderly led him to me, all the while keeping his body pressed tightly against his.

I didn’t want my husband to like men. Because: he denied it. We had a satisfying sex life. Girlfriends who claimed to do it with their husbands twice a week were yelling, I thought. Pepijn and I only got once a month, but that was enough for me. We were so close; we didn’t need sex to confirm that. There was nothing we didn’t discuss.

Quiet

Pippin had been quiet for a while. Introvert. He was in charge of a reorganization at his work, I had been struggling with my health for a while, the children – then five and eight – demanded a lot of attention. Life just has periods that are less. You just have to go through that; it always works out. So I left Pepijn alone. Only occasionally asked if there was really nothing else going on. The answer was always no, big kiss – he loved me, didn’t he?

Until he had very frequent work appointments for weeks in a row, in the evenings. Not so strange during that reorganization, but it still didn’t sit well with me. ‘What do you have to talk about so much that you can’t do it during working hours?’ I asked. Well, hello, I understood that, Pepijn would parry. Moreover, he clicked very well with his colleague, he also just enjoyed making plans for the company over a beer. “Men’s affairs,” he said. Yes, and how, it turned out later.

men’s affairs

It was a Saturday at the end of the afternoon, when the children spontaneously stayed with friends and we, out of nowhere, had the realm to ourselves. Ha, I thought, a gift from heaven. Candles on, finally some romance again. But Pepijn didn’t pick up on any of my signals. ‘I’m going to discuss some business with Pim’, he said, gave me a kiss and left. The moment he closed the door behind him, my stomach turned. This was not right in any way. Without thinking, I jumped into my car and followed him—not aware for a moment that our lives would change forever that night.

Pepijn’s story was true. At the house where he parked, Pim did indeed open the door – I recognized him from photos. You see, I thought for a moment, I got too much in my head again. But in that same second I saw Pim kiss my husband in the doorway. As they disappeared into Pim’s house, I got out, and gagged over a well.

Other meaning

The rest of my evening passed in a daze. How I got home; no idea. I must have ridden the autopilot. Our lives passed me by in a movie, over and over. Suddenly everything took on a different meaning. Pepijn’s sexual fantasies, how he often looked admiringly at other men and remarked, “Gosh, that one looks good.” I thought about how he always wanted to cuddle with me, but avoided making love as much as possible. And how normal he found the bisexual experiences in his youth – because yes, they were, weren’t they?

I felt sad, not cheated. At the same time, I felt sorry. For how long had he suppressed these feelings? I didn’t see it as rejection. This was a desire of his that I could never, in any way, fulfill.

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‘What now?’

My thoughts flew in all directions. How were we supposed to proceed. To separate? Stay together? And what about the children? Geez, I still loved him. On the internet I came across experience stories of straight women with homosexual partners.

So this happened more often. I read about constructs where couples left the marriage intact but shared the sex with others. Partners who just decided to break up. One woman now lived with her husband and his boyfriend in one house and everyone was very happy with that. I didn’t know what I thought. I didn’t know what to feel. And I certainly didn’t know if I should confront Pepijn about this.

In love

That last problem solved itself. It was in the middle of the night when Pippin came home. I was still wide awake on the couch – stiff with adrenaline. He was still wearing his coat when he stepped in, looked at me dead calmly, and said, “You know, don’t you?” I couldn’t say a stupid word. Pepijn slumped next to me on the couch and took my hand. It wasn’t a whim, he said, he was really in love. Unlike me, he felt this for the first time in his life.

My heart broke, but at the same time overflowed with love. Because next to me was still the man with whom I had wanted children so much. Who never wanted to hurt me and therefore effaced himself for years. Effortlessly, because he loved me. Just not like now. Like Pim.

together

Pippin didn’t want a divorce. Couldn’t things just stay the same between us and the kids? I had read it myself: there were plenty of couples where one of the partners turned out to be homosexual and who still found room for a third in the game. Pim and me would definitely click, Pepijn thought. Couldn’t the three of us get out of here?

His despair cut right through my soul. Yes, of course we could get out of here. We had to. I didn’t think I should try so hard either. What would actually change, other than that I now knew that my husband was sexually attracted to men? I immediately had one answer: the sex. As insignificant as it was to me, I didn’t want to be completely without it. Of course I was also free to make love to someone else, said Pepijn.

But that was it: what made our marriage a marriage? What if we both had our own love lives and kept up appearances for the kids during the week? I wanted it to feel different, hated myself for failing. Met Pim and found him a treasure indeed. But I couldn’t. I wanted Pepin for myself. In addition, I could not half give myself to someone else.

Be true to yourself

We got divorced almost two years ago. It took me a year to accept the situation. Because I still miss Pepijn every day and would give so much for everything to be ‘normal’ again. Things broke up between Pepijn and Pim a year ago – something that may have subconsciously helped my coping process.

Yet Pepijn is clear about it: there is no amorous relationship between us. That is also what we told the children, that mom and dad still love each other, but are no longer in love. I still struggle not to succumb to his proposal to live together as a family. But Pepijn is finally true to himself; the least I can do is stay true to me too.”

This article was previously published in Kek Mama.

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