‘My first trip alone was the perfect exercise in co-parenting’

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Almost automatically, Paulina wanted to turn down the opportunity to travel to Singapore for work, but why? Because they can be with daddy for a week without her. So she decided to just do it, with an extra week to refuel.

Paulina (42) is mother of Jasmijn (12), Fabiënne (9) and Koen (7).

“From the plane home from Malaysia, I looked blissfully at the clouds below. I ordered another gin and tonic, took a crazy selfie for my kids and decided I wanted this freedom forever.

‘They look like koala bears,’ my mother joked about my children for years. There was some truth to it: With a man with an international job, my kids were used to me being home all the time and Dad away regularly. They were always hanging from my legs and I had carefully adapted my part-time job to that.

By a thread

My marriage was already hanging by a thread when I got the chance to travel to Singapore for work three years ago. I almost automatically wanted to reject him. After all, who took care of the children? But they were all in primary school, they could certainly do without me for a week, I realized in the same second. Didn’t we manage without their father?

Suddenly I was done with adding my life to our family for more than twelve years. A choice I had made myself, by the way, but then it was also my choice to do things differently from now on. I accepted my employer’s offer without deliberation and dryly announced it at dinner that evening.

“Before I knew it I said, ‘In fact, I’ll stick to it for another week in Malaysia to refuel.’”

The kids shrugged, but my husband was less resigned. I couldn’t just leave, could I? Of course it wasn’t that easy; we had two months to live up to it. And: my husband was at home during that period, there was nothing that would prevent this from happening. Before I knew it I said: ‘In fact, I’ll stick to it for another week in Malaysia to refuel.’ I didn’t even listen to his answer.

In retrospect it sounds selfish. Still, that action was just what I needed to break free from a life that had left me miserable for a long time. For all this time I was guided by one fear: that the father of my children would not be able to take care of the three of us. A fear that was unrealistic, but I’m never going to give him the chance to prove otherwise. So I used my parents, in-laws and friends as a safety net, packed my suitcase full of bikinis, took the kids to school the morning of my departure and drove straight to the airport.

Also read – On your own on holiday: these mothers do it >

Gift

My time abroad was the greatest gift I could give myself. Working with colleagues from abroad gave my self-confidence a huge boost. And as I traded my hotel in Singapore for a bounty stay on the coast after five days, I knew for sure: I wanted a divorce. For that I only had to overcome one hurdle: learning to let go of the full-time care of my children.

The week that followed turned out to be a crash course. Koen fell in the schoolyard and had to be stitched up. Without me. And where I – sometimes to the extreme – attached importance to healthy food, my children suddenly ate frikandels. I swallowed their reports via app as bravely as possible, took another dip in the sea and made it easier by the day. I missed them, but not so much that it hurt.

“Where the children used to hang from my legs like koala bears, Dad was suddenly the hero”

When I got home, the kids were happy to see me, but where they used to hang from my legs like koala bears, suddenly Dad was the hero. Another swallow, but above all a huge relief. My children and their father can also manage without me.

The perfect exercise

Now, more than a year after the divorce, I realize that my ex may not be a good partner, but he is a great father. And although I have to miss my kids half the time, I enjoy the freedom. My vacations are now half forced on my own, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. My first trip alone was the perfect exercise in co-parenting.”

This article appears in Kek Mama 08-2022.

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