“Mom, am I ugly?” How do you deal with that, self-confidence with your child?

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Our ideal beauty image has never been so unrealistic, because of Photoshop and the cosmetic industry. Great, because this is the world in which our children grow up. How do we make sure they hold their own with confidence?

Out of nowhere, on his saddle on my bicycle bar, my seven-year-old son starts it. “When I look in the mirror, I don’t think I’m beautiful.” I immediately stop, my son hanging over my steering wheel. “But you are so beautiful”, I say immediately. It’s true, my son is beautiful. With dark eyes that look right through you, a great head of hair. But my comment is not getting through. “I would like to look different. With blond hair, just like Job.”

I searched quickly for the right answer. His comment touches me deeply, but I don’t want him to see me startled. “You are so beautiful, the most beautiful child I know”, I say again. “As beautiful as your sister and your brother.” He says nothing more, and does not bring it up again. But it won’t let go of me.

Self image

Not everyone is shocked by such a comment, it turns out when I ask around among friends. Jet (43) has three children, of which daughter Fien (9) is the youngest. Recently Jet heard her say in the mirror that she thinks she’s ugly and too fat. “Of course that feels bad. But I see it more as a blank slate and don’t look too much into it. Children say everything they think: one day the world is fantastic, the next day they seem depressed. That wrestling is part of it. Besides, I don’t always like myself in the mirror either.”

Renée (45) also sees her daughter Mara (11) struggling. “Recently she even said, after looking around in a theater: ‘I’m finding out that maybe I’m not even that ugly compared to other kids.’ When she was younger she never wanted to wear a ponytail because she hoped it would hide her long neck. That makes me very sad. How is that possible?”

Worldwide

Before we talk about solutions, it might be good to know that we’ve only recently become so concerned about our appearance. Professor of Psychology Liesbeth Woertman has done a lot of research at Utrecht University into the phenomenon of body image, and wrote the book Psychology of appearance.

“I’m 69 and when I was young people weren’t as concerned with looks as they are now,” she says over the phone. “No one was perfect, not even the most beautiful people. That didn’t matter, because you couldn’t change anything about yourself anyway. Not everyone had TV, so the only people you could compare yourself to were the people in your immediate environment.”

“Thanks to social media, we not only see how our neighbor puts on her make-up, but also all women on the other side of the world”

How different it is now: thanks to social media, we not only see how our neighbor puts on her make-up, but also all women on the other side of the world. And that doesn’t exactly make us happier. According to Woertman, we have never even been so beautiful, and so insecure about our appearance. That’s because today’s ideal of beauty is historically unrealistic. After all, we are surrounded by images of people with poreless skin, long legs, high cheekbones and full lips.

“Those images get stuck in your head and you compare yourself to them,” says Woertman. Moreover, it seems that this Western ideal also applies worldwide, she writes in her book. As a result, Chinese girls have their legs broken to appear taller and women in Korea undergo double eyelid surgery en masse. “We also pretend that time doesn’t exist,” says Woertman, “because those beauty requirements now apply for life. As a woman becoming a mother in this day and age, you still have to look great. We used to be easier to do that.”

Compliments

Not a very nice idea, that we raise our children in a world that places unrealistic demands on our cheekbones, pores and eyelids. How do we deal with that? Do we cheer for our offspring, hoping that it will give them the confidence to face all the craziness, or do we take a different approach?

Friend Sophie (37) has always taken a very positive approach to the appearance of her daughter Suus (7). “She has some unusual features, such as red hair and side ears (a bump with cartilage near the ear, ed.). I deliberately did not have it removed and I have always told her that it is something special that belongs to her. I notice that she finds it annoying when children ask about it, but at the same time she has attributed magical powers to it herself.”

Renée also gives compliments, but with policy. “Mara and her brother Chris (14) are teenagers, they find it ‘cringe’ when I say they are beautiful. So I stick to compliments on their sweater, or say that a new haircut makes their eyes pop.”

“I see that my children mainly compare themselves to others,” says Jet. “I think that’s also part of it. I don’t try to help them with compliments, because that just emphasizes their appearance, which can only make them insecure.”

Making mistakes

Woertman is also not in favor of endless compliments. “I think we are exaggerating a bit these days. We have to be careful not to make them into terrible narcissists.”

According to her, there is only one way to make children stand firmer. “True self-confidence can only be learned by making mistakes. By literally and figuratively falling, and correcting yourself again, so that you can fall back on an inner bottom later. So let them go on their mouths, and stand next to them as a parent. Tell them it’s an embarrassing situation, and help them figure out how to handle it next time.”

“Let them go on their mouths and stand next to them as a parent”

Woertman immediately cites an example: “Driving back and forth in a cargo bike should be prohibited. Let children ride their own bicycles, play in the street, argue. You don’t have to entertain them all day; they may well be bored to death. And if they do do something wrong, then you stand with your big mother arms around it. That warm fence is fundamental.”

Woertman’s views fit in Jet’s vein. Her children often come home with stories about nasty comments. “I try to teach them not to blow over immediately. Not by just saying, “Don’t worry about it,” that’s too thin. I explain to them that they have no influence on what others say and that they have a choice: you can get carried away by this comment or you can shrug your shoulders. Often it helps if we talk about the child who made the remark, “Oh that one! Well, he must be insecure himself.”

Read also – ‘Letting go. Damn hard if you ask me’ >

Touch

In her book, Woertman also repeatedly mentions the importance of touch. Children who are touched regularly get to know their body better. They feel more attractive, value themselves more and feel more connected to others. That doesn’t sound complicated until your kids hit puberty. A small child can easily be stroked on the ball, but a few years later you can expect a corner after the same touch.