Lisa has a relationship with Joost and Laura: ‘Parents do not want their children to come to our home’

Lisa: “I’m happiest when we’re all in our American car. The three big kids on the back seat, the two little ones in the middle and Joost, Laura and I in the front. It feels so carefree. As we drive away, something falls from me, as if I’m leaving behind all worries and problems. While chatting and singing I can enjoy what really matters: our family. No hassle, gossip in the schoolyard, confrontations with local residents, parents who do not want their children to visit us or people who make fun of us.

Last week I was called by a group of young people on the street for ‘fat whore bitch with your whore children’. I understand that our way of life is controversial, but we are not bad people or irresponsible parents. Why can’t a child play with us? We really don’t lie all day with the three of us having sex on the couch.

Not a stable base

I got to know Laura and Joost through my work. During a Christmas drink we got to talking and I soon noticed that said a lot about myself. I was 27 and quite searching. Relationships just didn’t work out, I didn’t know where I wanted to live and what made me really happy. Laura and Joost offered a listening ear and that is how a friendship was formed.

The three of us did fun things and I noticed that with them I found a peace that I had never felt in my life. I never knew my father and my mother led quite a riotous life as an artist. Everything was allowed and possible at our home, but there was no stable basis. When my mother sold a few paintings, we would immediately go on vacation, but she forgot to pay the bills, so we were regularly without gas and light.

Finally being myself

With Laura and Joost I could finally be myself. They were really interested in me – something I had always missed with my mother. Art was always number one, not her daughter. When it got rather late after an evening of talking, I often stayed over. And because it was so nice the next day, I often stayed another night. It was a deep friendship that overflowed into love.

It started with a kiss with Joost or Laura after a few glasses of wine. I found it confusing, but it felt good. That also became the agreement: does everyone still feel okay with what is happening? If not, we’ll stop. Laura and I are not necessarily bisexual, because we are not attracted to other women, but there was love. I also felt strongly attracted to Joost. We clicked physically and emotionally. We just belonged together.”

Feelings

Of course I struggled with my feelings, and what other people would think. In the beginning I didn’t tell anyone what was going on – so the three of us had the space to discover what we thought of it ourselves and what we wanted to do with it.

It was talk, talk and talk. I needed that. Laura and Joost were stronger as a couple, but I was the newcomer. I was afraid that I would be a temporary respite from them and that I could be thrown out at any moment. They understood that and reassured me, but something like that takes time.

Sex was more complicated. Joost was sometimes jealous when Laura and I made love. Conversely, I found it difficult how they could incite each other while I was watching television. It wasn’t so much jealousy, we had to learn to trust our love. I wanted attention from both of them and if I wasn’t involved in the sex I felt left out.

After a few arguments, we found a solution. We had to give each other space, literally and figuratively. That’s why we put an extra bed in the attic, so that two who wanted to have sex could retire there. The three of us made love in our self-built king-size bed, in which we all slept as well.

Reaction family

After living together for a year, we dared to come out for our relationship. I told my mother and some friends. They knew that I was living with Joost and Laura, but never really asked what it was all about. I think they saw it as a typical floaty Lisa action. Then I lived with a friend again and then I was in a residential group again. “If it makes you happy, you should know it all for yourself,” they said. The rest of my family will probably have talked about it behind my back, but I get that. You don’t hear something like that every day.

On uncles and aunts’ birthdays, the three of us showed up, we were always welcome. Only my grandmother of 92 had trouble with it. She stayed away from us at parties. I’ve never woken up to it. My life, my choice. By not making a big thing out of it, it seemed like others weren’t either.

Pregnancy

We are now eight years and five children further. Laura was the first to have Jara, a year later I gave birth to Tess, then Laura got pregnant with Lies, then there was a break of three years, after which Laura had Daan and I had Tycho. It feels like we’ve built a small community and it’s going really well.

Of course we have highs and lows, but above all there is a lot of love. We have experienced all births together and the three of us also raise and take care of the children. Laura and I run the family. That is an enormous luxury. We both work part-time, so the children only have to go to daycare for one day. Joost has a full-time job and is there evenings and weekends. Raising five children with three adults is perfectly doable. There is never a discussion about who does what.

Night shift

Every Saturday morning Joost does something fun with the five children, so that Laura and I can get the groceries for the whole week. Then we drink coffee somewhere. Joost and Laura love movies; I watch out for them when they want to go to the cinema for an evening. The one on ‘night shift’ sleeps on the outside of our large bed so you don’t have to climb over two others if something is up with the kids.

‘I occasionally suffer from jealousy’

Practically speaking, it is therefore a lot easier than in a family with two parents, but emotionally it is sometimes complicated. For example, I find it difficult when Laura corrects my daughter. I want to decide for myself how she is raised and that is not always in line with Laura’s views. I know she means well, but I sometimes miss the space and intimacy with my own children. I don’t always want to share their love. There may also be jealousy involved. When I see Laura cuddling with my son Tycho, I get a knot in my stomach because I want to be his number one. I don’t have that with Joost, because he is their father. I can have a lot more from him.

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‘People don’t understand the situation’

No one interfered in our relationship, but that changed when we started having children. My family is positive, but that is not the case with the people we met through the nursery and school. When Laura had her first child, we received letters with texts like ‘dirty pedophiles’ or ‘we’ll call child protection.’ Very intense. Our house was also daubed with paint once. It took us three days to get it off. The consultation office also visits us to check whether everything is going well.

It still amazes me that so many people think badly of us. We lead quiet lives and, like everyone else, do our best to raise our children lovingly. I understand we’re fodder for gossip and jokes, but we’re not hurting anyone. I especially like the kids. Our oldest daughter is bullied at school, they say her father is a pervert. We try to pay as little attention as possible to it. I can go to school on high feet, but I’m afraid it will only make the situation worse. We prefer to stay under the radar in hopes of being left alone. It’s just tragic that we live quite closed off because of it. For example, we prefer not to go to village festivals, because we are being watched or called after.

Unique relationship

It eats me up. We have chosen this unique relationship, but the children have not. Of course I thought about that beforehand, but I may have been naive. Our children are the most beautiful thing that has happened to us and I expected people to see how loving we treat each other.

Because of all the negative things we have become extra close as a family and that is nice, but I would have preferred it differently. It hurts that no one in the schoolyard asks me for coffee, it hurts to be laughed at by boys in the street. I wish our children the very best, but can I offer them that if they are treated like outcasts? Will they have to struggle against prejudice throughout their childhood? That thought makes me sad. And yet I wouldn’t want to live without Laura and Joost. I think we have the right to live our lives in this way.”

This article was previously published in Kek Mama.

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