Kelly Weekers and Moniek van Rheenen about combining work and family: ‘Go for your dreams’

We had an extensive discussion with psychologist and business coach Kelly Weekers and Moniek van Rheenen, business coach and previously the first female commercial director in the Netherlands (at Nespresso). And that results in a lot of recognizable situations, tips and life lessons.

What do you think many working mothers face?

Kelly: “We all find it difficult to balance work and private life. Almost every mother is born with some sort of guilt: when you work, you miss out on something at home, and when you’re at home, you miss out on a career. That balance remains a challenge for us, but good planning helps enormously.”

Moniek: “Mothers have the feeling that they should always be on for everyone. For their team, for customers or for their family. A few years ago I realized: that is not necessary at all. You have to clearly indicate your limits.”

Kelly: “Somewhere there is the illusion that you can keep all the balls in the air. You can do that with a few balls, but you have to choose which ones they are. Many mothers try to do everything at once. And only when they are completely exhausted on the couch do they realize: this is not good. They continue until they are overtired or have a short fuse. It is normal to let certain things slip at certain stages in your life. In the tropics there is simply less time for some things. But that’s okay, because I want my family to be steady and my career to go well. I will never forget my girlfriends, but the time for spontaneous appointments is over. We have to schedule it now.”

How do you avoid putting your dreams and ambitions aside?

Moniek: “When our son (now thirteen) was little, I struggled with that. But at some point I accepted that I’m just too ambitious. Working makes me happy, and that is also very important for a child, so how can I best organize that as a mother? Dare to pursue your own dreams, even if you are a mother. That sounds easy, but of course it isn’t. On the other hand, sometimes you have to accept that you park your ambitions for a while and focus completely on motherhood. But make a promise to yourself that you will pick it up again later.”

Kelly: “I notice that women always check in with others: am I doing it right? Am I taking good care of my family? Think about yourself more often. What do you think is important? It is of no use to anyone if you do things that do not make you happy. Whether you’re pursuing a career or staying home with the kids, it’s about being happy.”

Do women often compare themselves to other mothers in this respect?

Kelly: “Yeah, I think a lot of women look at others and think: I would want that for myself or for my children. Maybe you have chosen to give up something in your work area, but you suddenly have doubts because a friend is going for her career. But luckily we realize more and more that you can fill life in your own way. You can be a good mother in many ways. And for that it is important that you feel comfortable in your own skin in the first place.”

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How do you ensure a good work-life balance?

Kelly: “I am driven in my career, but I also think it is important to be with my children. I look for the balance in that. If I’m home too much, I get irritable. I have to think on a certain level and I can’t do that when I’m playing Barbie plays for hours on end. But if I work enough, it’s just relaxing. I didn’t find that balance right away. I was much better at parenting when I didn’t have kids yet, haha. Before I became a mother I was mega career minded, but in my maternity bed I never wanted to work because of the hormones. Remember to always check in with yourself: what do I need?”

Moniek: “My son now likes that I’m there when he comes home, even though I usually get dumped again after five minutes, haha. As soon as he gets home, I deliberately put my laptop out of sight. Otherwise I’ll get distracted and I don’t want that. It’s about being there when you’re together, not about the total number of hours you spend with your child.”

Kelly: “It’s all about genuine attention. Are you always at home, but addicted to your phone? Then you are still not really present. Teach yourself: what you do, you do with attention. When you’re at work, let loose at home and get to work. That gives you peace of mind, because you have less of the feeling that you are constantly falling short.”

How can you make life as a working mother more manageable?

Moniek: “What has helped me is daring to say no without explanation. When making appointments, I clearly indicate my limits: ‘I can go at ten o’clock or at two o’clock’. Do you work in paid employment and do you find it difficult to find the balance? Discuss it with your boss and see what is possible.”

Kelly: “And don’t tell a customer or colleague that you can still call at eight o’clock in the evening when you are free. For example, I know that I can’t have a business meeting before eight thirty in the morning, because then it’s a kind of Monkey Town here. In addition, many people do not have a clear schedule. I open my diary every week and put big crosses on the days I work. Then I divide my tasks by part of the day. As a result, I know exactly how many hours I spend on work and my family and can fully focus on that.”

Many women find it difficult to ask for help. Why is that so important?

Kelly: “That you have to do and be able to do everything yourself is a very toxic thought. We have to excel ourselves in everything and even without help. That’s unrealistic. It took quite a while before I arranged a babysitter for my children three days a week, but that has brought me so much peace. I don’t believe anyone has a career, is a stay-at-home mom and does all the chores at home. Give yourself help.”

Monique: “Well said. We can delegate tasks. That doesn’t make us a lesser mother. Take a moment to think about what you’re doing. Of course it is nice to discuss with friends what goes wrong, but also be proud of what does go right.”

How do you deal with that guilt towards your children?

Kelly: “By remembering that there are many ways to be a good mother. I think it’s important to show my daughters that not only daddy, but also mom has a career. I want to grow strong women who can stand their ground. Moreover, everything is arranged for them: from a drink and a drink to a nice babysitter. During dinner we have a lovely conversation and I bathe my children and put them to bed. Should I feel guilty while they are having a great time at school or at the nanny’s during the day? Do not give up on your happiness in life when you are a mother, but organize your life in such a way that you can also be there for your children. See it as a good example to pursue their own dreams later on.”

Moniek: “Recently Kelly and I had a coaching day with our clients. I sent a photo of it home and my son responded: ‘Mama, you are so happy, nice!’ I think it is very important that he also sees that joy.”

As business coaches, Moniek and Kelly run the company Moonshot Coaching together, with which they help female entrepreneurs with growth in customers, focus and freedom. Kelly wrote the bestsellers Happy Life 365 and Happy Lifehacks 365 and a third book is coming soon: The Power of Choice.